Ask HN: Advice about aging parents • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#201

Post by lotsofpulp » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 9:29 PM UTC

JshWright wrote: post #156

globular-toast wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's hard to tell sometimes what the right group is, though. My grandmother moved in with us. We all got on so well it seemed like the obvious thing to do. But she became depressed and just felt like she was living in someone else's house (which she was, really). Living together is a tricky thing and in my experience it's hard to know what will work. Worth a shot, though. They might love it.

I think separate living spaces is really critical (I can't imagine doing it in the same space). My mom usually comes over in the morning to help get the kids out the door for school, but other than that it's not uncommon for us to go at least a day or two without seeing them. If you're going into it with a "give it a shot" attitude, be sure to do it early enough that changing plans is still an option.

Being neighbors is a preferable situation in my opinion also. Like everybody loves Raymond, but maybe a few more houses down.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#202

Post by criddell » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 9:30 PM UTC

panzagl wrote: post #185

criddell wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Outside of HN that would probably be phrased as 'become a burden on my family'.

So my father-in-law passed away from dementia recently so I've been thinking about this a lot. Some family members could not be arsed (to borrow a phrase) to really care for him over the last several years, and from their viewpoint he was a burden. Some could, though, and to them he wasn't a burden, but a way to express their love. And looking back his long decline of course had a negative effect on a lot of people,…

I'm sorry about your father in-law.

My dad is going through the same thing right now with Lewy Body Dementia and it's terrible. I've seen enough to know that if it shows up in me, I'm outta here. It might be hard on my family, but I'm not going to endure years of decline where most days I'm terrified from hallucinations which leads to violent outbursts directed at the people trying to help me.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#203

Post by czbond » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 9:33 PM UTC

bkandel wrote: post #71

reacharavindh wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agree with you on everything, except frozen foods. I am in my mid 30s. I like to cook and try to eat healthy. I have read at many places on the internet that frozen vegetables in some occasions are healthier than the ones I can at the supermarket- because they are flash frozen, retaining most nutritional value vegetables stay out in shipping and shelves far too long losing nutritional value. Also that they tend to be…

I read that as "frozen foods that are high in fat and salt".

Your interpretation is what I meant. Above poster does have a point about vegetables frozen being more healthy.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#204

Post by pezzana » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 9:41 PM UTC

If you haven't done so already, think hard about how you feel about being a care giver. Think hard about how you'd feel if that arrangement extends 10-15 years. Talk with you wife about how she feels about those topics. If you feel one way, don't assume she feels the same. Marriages can be destroyed over this very scenario.

Then I'd have exactly the same conversation with each set of parents. If the parent's won't talk about it, you're going to have a very hard time.

Medicine has made it possible to string out catastrophic, debilitating geriatric conditions way longer than might seem possible or just. Your parents are going to die, and it may not be quick. You need to be prepared for that possibility.

Remember, there's nothing that says you must take care of anyone in old age (unless maybe if you live in Japan). You parents are adults making their own decisions and taking the consequences. Your Dad refuses to listen to you. Think about it from his perspective. Would you want to admit that you're headed for an unknown future of progressive degradation, having had a lifetime of experience seeing people on that path? Would you not want to hold on to independent, full-powered adulthood as long as possible?

He's made his choice. But the consequences of his choices only become your burdens if that's what you want. This is what you'll find being a parent as well. Ultimately, your loved ones make their own choices. But where you have no control, you also have no responsibility.

I highly recommend to book "Being Mortal". It tackles this exact problem and gives some real examples of approaches and how things turned out.

http://atulgawande.com/book/being-mortal/

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#205

Post by dsizzle » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 9:42 PM UTC

nikisweeting wrote: post #196

dreamcompiler wrote: post #188

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This looks like an interesting product but how do you get them to wear it consistently? Half the problem in hip fractures is mentation: Many elderly people have decreased balance, decreased pain sense, and decreased muscle strength. And yet they're not cognizant of any of this, so they continue to try to behave the way they did 20 years ago and of course they fall. Getting them to become aware of their limitations wo…

I think it's definitely a struggle, but if my choice were to move into a care home or wear this, I'd choose wearing the belt.

Yeah, and people who have fallen once already and ended up in the hospital are probably now plenty aware of their limitations, whatever illusions they may have once had.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#206

Post by malshe » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 9:55 PM UTC

pezzana wrote: post #204

If you haven't done so already, think hard about how you feel about being a care giver. Think hard about how you'd feel if that arrangement extends 10-15 years. Talk with you wife about how she feels about those topics. If you feel one way, don't assume she feels the same. Marriages can be destroyed over this very scenario. Then I'd have exactly the same conversation with each set of parents. If the parent's won't ta…

+1 for Being Mortal.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#207

Post by jlokier » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 10:00 PM UTC

spookthesunset wrote: post #200

geoduck14 wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Keep moving! Yes! Also, emotional health is important. Many elderly people die of loneliness. If one parent dies, be VERY vigilant about getting the other into a situation where he/she has friends.

> Many elderly people die of loneliness. Good thing society banned people from visiting their relatives in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. We sentenced the oldest in our population to die in what amounts to solitary confinement.

Video calls weren't banned, so it wasn't as bad as for people that nobody calls at all.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#208

Post by balnaphone » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 10:02 PM UTC

lotsofpulp wrote: post #109

brutus1213 wrote: post #8

Similar boat with aging parents. It is really tough with few solutions. In a very HCOL area and parents own a condo. So stairs are less the issue but there a ton other challenges that emerge. Simplest solution would be to do a joint-family system with the parents. That is not feasible because single story houses are pretty rare in our area and spacious housing is stupidly expensive in general (Toronto); moving my fam…

>My spouse and I sometimes wonder why so many people who could choose to migrate to the west still stay in India, Pakistan, etc. It is a reminder that those societies do a few things better than the west. After witnessing my mom waste her prime years caring for my dad's old parents, I pity other women (and anyone else in the same situation) who have no choice due to lack of economic opportunities and are essentially…

You must be very omniscient to be able to judge that her life was wasted. I pity others who are forced to go work outside the home, who have no choice due to lack of economic opportunities and are essentially forced to live as serfs. Somehow taking care of parents is a waste of life, but finding new ways to sling ads on the web (e.g. working at Google/Alphabet or Facebook/Meta) is not?

I have spent about a decade of my life being the primary caregiver for my aging parents so far; I'm in my mid 40's. And yes, I hope my kids do the same for me.

We don't outsource raising our children (homeschooling) or caring for our parents; having tutors, coaches, or domestic help is fine on occasion, but not wholesale replacement of family care.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#209

Post by breakingwalls » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 10:13 PM UTC

ankurpatel wrote: post #121

In Indian and Asian culture in general you will take care of your parents just as they have taken care of you when you were a child. Old age is just like childhood age where you have to look after them just as much as you would look after a young child. Having your parents move in with your family is an option so that they don't feel lonely. They can also see their grand children and not feeling lonely at home. Lonel…

The sentiment of elderly become like children is very strong IMO and it actually makes sense; not in terms of innocence of children but the physical(and somewhat mental abilities) weaken as time progresses.

As per ancient texts, there are four stages to one's life. Brahmacharya (student), Grihastha (householder), Vanaprastha (forest walker/forest dweller), and Sannyasa (renunciate). I always wonder if the ancient Indians really did that and how the society would have looked back then.

With that said, modern Indian's diet is drastically different from what the ancients ate and also the daily physical work(insert yoga, going to rivers for water and rituals, farming etc) ancients must have done is very different. Not only that, the elders were considered scholarly and wise since they have the done the walk of life; and because of that, alms were given out by the Kings and other working men to the elderly. Today's society holds less relevance to all this and renunciation is clearly not an option and has faded away into the history.

Vanaprastha (forest walker/forest dweller) aka. hiking, and Sannyasa (renunciate) aka. off-grid are the new age terms and I find that very interesting idea to purse at least for my old age.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#210

Post by dharmab » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 10:22 PM UTC

reacharavindh wrote: post #162

dharmab wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It depends on how you prepare the food too- many type of vegetables have different nutrition content when eaten raw rather than cooked.

I know this is another information rabbit hole. But, I’d love to know what happens to nutrients with various forms of cooking and combinations with various cooking elements like salt, pepper, chillies, turmeric, cumin etc. A purely scientific approach to cooking that experiments to improve commonly used recipes for nutritional value would be amazing.

See if you can access food science papers through your library.