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Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

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Re: Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

#21
Find a job that is on the intersection of what you know and what will fit you.

I am 35 and have been diagnosed with ADHD ~year ago. Meds did help, like by 50% with my ability to start and complete things. On the other hand, country I live in is somewhat stingy on psychopharmatics, so I am glad I have at least the meds I have.

Meds don't help with memory, unfortunately, you will need to keep your system you have cobbled together over years.

The meds actually do help with the rejection sensitivity more than I anticipated. But this seems like the thing you will actually need to work on to compensate for. It can be hard, things that will work for you will be counter-intuitive, but becoming some sort of "trustworthy professional that is nice to work with" is doable and worth price in gold.

One of the epiphanies that led me there was ... people don't actually need perfection, they mostly need to be able to rely on what you told them. Work with them, pairing helps me there.

I work in QE for a big corp - specifically RedHat. I now know I shouldn't look for jobs that sound interesting but would require me to self-manage. I need other people to keep me on track and reasonably well defined goals.

But I also need novelty and exploration.

So QE works. I would assume SRE would work as well, and possibly a technical enough support role.

Working in a big-enough corp to allow for latteral moves is helping plenty too.

Re: Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

#22

I now have diagnoses of rapid cycling bipolar II and moderate autism, but in the early Nineties I realized I was dealing with ADHD. I was fortunate that one of my autistic abilities was being extremely good at mathematics and computer science. My important adjustment was becoming a computer consultant on projects that lasted several months. I can attack new projects with great intensity, but I fry out after a few mon…

This could be me as well - I’ve had a few careers and similar neurodivergencies, along with a nice smattering of trauma. This wasn’t asked for so take with a grain of salt, but as someone who had “rapid cycling bipolar II” as my closest dx which never felt entirely correct, I found looking into dissociation and dissociative disorders to actually fit the bill for me after decades of muddling around with “almost but not quite right” models. I only say so because it would have saved me a lot of time if someone had even mentioned the possibility to me.

Re: Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

#23
First: You're not alone as you can see from all of these comments. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck and feel hopeless at times. Acknowledge it and ask "What can I do?"

Second: Give yourself credit for taking these steps to improve. I personally struggle with this and have to verbally say "I did x". I immediately have a negative voice say it's not enough, etc and I have to say "Thanks, what can I do next?" It feels silly but sometimes it's enough to prevent the reactionary thought train that follows if I do nothing.

Third: Be careful with the stories you tell yourself. There's a thin line between being realistic and just wallowing. You don't seem to be doing that and using "I feel..." language is a nice way to separate yourself from your thoughts/feelings. Again, it feels silly, but the way we speak has an effect on how we see ourselves.

So, you are capable of inspiring confidence, but you struggle with it. You inspired confidence in me to create an HN account to reply to this, so... put that in your evidence locker for when you doubt that.

And... I feel you on the interviews. My worst interview performance was a twofer: I scheduled the interview and didn't realize it was a pair programming session. We had to reschedule.

For the next session, already embarrassed, I hop on the call (on my phone, in Starbucks, without headphones because they died) and proceed to forget javascript array basics for 30 minutes. I literally only wrote 1 line of code and I'm pretty sure the guy worked through the interview.

What's hilarious is that right after the call the answer popped into my head. I had 6 years of experience at this point.

I sat down and listed everything that went wrong and why. It all boiled down to practice and preparation. Have everything charged. Have a spot you're comfortable in if possible. Double check what you need to bring, etc.

For practice, I literally took as many interviews as I could get as long as they were jobs I was actually interested in. This built some rejection resilience and highlighted specific things I needed to practice.

It's not perfect. I still freak out. I went on meds after that experience which helped me build up some habits and more resilience and I eventually came off the meds. I eventually got a job, became a manager, got laid off, and then got to my current gig as a founding engineer.

I journal, meditate, and workout as close to everyday as I can get, and when I miss, I just start again and write about how annoying my shaming inner voice can be. This (+gratitude for literally whatever good I can find in the day) habit has helped me a lot.

My current struggle is building things -- just getting started much less "completing". I've had a raspberry pi I've been meaning to install docker on for a month now so I'm going to go do that now. I'm 40. I'm an adult no?

Cut yourself some slack. Be kind. Prep. Practice. Get outside. Lift heavy things. You're moving the right direction. Check back in and let us know your progress.

Re: Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

#24
I have ADHD as well as a bevy of other stuff - autism, a dissociative disorder and trauma that in bad times meets the criteria for ptsd. To be clear, I have not solved this problem for myself, but I figure it might be helpful to share notes - what may be your solution is inevitably going to be an individual one to you, so maybe with some raw materials to work with you can come up with one.

Mindsets:

- What works best for me is to not think of myself as being impaired, but unfocused. When there is a specific goal in mind that we worked towards for a long time, we organize all the parts of ourselves in order to meet that goal. When that breaks down, its usually because there are key needs that we are not taking care of - maybe thats a need for novelty, maybe thats self-care, maybe thats time to relax. Finding what those needs are and getting them met is the first step.

- Burnout happens because we have needs that are neglected or not taken care of. Discovering what those needs are, and how to recover when they are neglected for a long time can take effort. This ends up breaking structures that were working but unmaintainable.

- "Parts work" works. Blank-mindedness, inability to think in detail, struggling to think in a clear structured way, can often mean that there are internal paradoxes or conflicts. Being able to see that both sides of the paradoxes are correct, or contain truths that the other side doesn't, rapidly resolve these problems. Understanding that you can contain seemingly opposing values and weights simultaneously is the first step to understanding this.

- Confidence has a lot to do with building and recognizing a cohesive identity with yourself. In interviews, its about understanding who you are in the interview room - what your positive traits are, and what you struggle with. Its about being ok with the things that you struggle with and think that its reasonable that you struggle with them. Its about celebrating your positive traits. This is where both ego and anger, long derided, actually helps. Developing an ego helps you build something worth protecting. Anger is a sword and shield that helps your ego stay intact. Your anger at yourself is actually love for yourself stuck in a horrible pattern. Unlearning emotional self-harm as a coping mechanism and building self-compassion is an incredibly tough but also amazingly worthwhile journey.

Note that little of this has to do with ADHD directly, but it is very commonly relevant to most people who grew up neurodivergent or different.

Medications:

- I found that in most ADHD focused spaces, there are a lot of people for whom stimulant medication just works and that is the end of things for them. I find that people with additional problems on top of ADHD often have a harder time with stimulants, due to a high amount of side effects. Try them as a first line, but its also okay if they don't work as they don't work for everyone.

- Beta blockers are cheap, incredibly safe, don't have many interactions or side effects, and are easy to get a prescription for. They block your body's physical panic response. Taking it has been astoundingly positive for me for interviews, any time I'm going to do something I'm stressed about, or when I'm panicking for any reason.

- Anti anxiety meds especially benzo's work for a short bit of time and then hook you on them, and then its difficult to go off of them. They're hard to get perscribed for a reason.

- Alcohol, nicotine, and to some extent weed all mess with your sleep, and make cognitive side effects for at least few days afterwards, up to a month with chronic use, even if you don't feel hung over. If you haven't experienced being off of those for a while, going off of them may help. This is often something you do later when you're feeling up to the task of removing a very real crutch.

Re: Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

#25
For me this is very early stages, too early to tell. But it might help, so figured I'd just throw it out there.

Currently something I'm going to try is to use my musical imagination. I've always had it since I was a kid, and I'm having a small breakthrough with it in terms of boosting certain moods. I should've done this way earlier but I just never thought of it.

So if you have a musical gift like I do, I'd propose to do that. The broader generalized version of this is to use your imagination to induce specific emotional moods into you and help that to make that your motivation.

Re: Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

#26

I now have diagnoses of rapid cycling bipolar II and moderate autism, but in the early Nineties I realized I was dealing with ADHD. I was fortunate that one of my autistic abilities was being extremely good at mathematics and computer science. My important adjustment was becoming a computer consultant on projects that lasted several months. I can attack new projects with great intensity, but I fry out after a few mon…

Let's say I fit the neurodivergent stereotype, and this sentence especially fits most of my attempted careers down to a T - "I ended up concluding that I didn't have the communication skills needed to do X".

At times (I feel like) I am a great communicator, the other times I can see people thinking I'm damn slow, and most of the time it's bimodal like that.

I am almost 36 as well, never finished a damn thing in my adult life.

Re: Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

#27
post #8

I now have diagnoses of rapid cycling bipolar II and moderate autism, but in the early Nineties I realized I was dealing with ADHD. I was fortunate that one of my autistic abilities was being extremely good at mathematics and computer science. My important adjustment was becoming a computer consultant on projects that lasted several months. I can attack new projects with great intensity, but I fry out after a few mon…

How tf do you come back from being "homeless in the woods" to "working towards a mathematics PhD"? Also, as what did you reinvent yourself in the end?

(Joke) Yes, usually the path is reverse.
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