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Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

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Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#141

Post by jackgolding »

I doubt it will feel better until you leave the role. There is only so much self reflection you can do until you are self destructive. I think it's too late now to ask for more information, so there is nothing you can do - and this is an awful situation.

I imagine and hope it was an honest mistake towards someone who was a bit more sensitive about one of your actions and there isn't a huge amount you can do to make the situation better for anyone. You seem keen on fixing yourself which is noble so I hope you don't let this eat away at you.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#142

Post by jackgolding »

fjfkdjfjfjd wrote: post #72
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #46

By your own description it sounds it is founded, asking what you're up to this weekend is a lead in to asking for a date. I get that wasn't your intent, but that doesn't matter, does it? Others have said find another job, that sounds like a good ideas. I probably wouldn't put this internship on my employment history. And seriously, your 20's are for getting laid as much as you can. Are you? Because if you're not (out…

In hindsight, I realize that such a question about weekend plans could be taken the wrong way. I was ultimately trying to be cordial, not to make anyone (male or female) feel I was leading on to them. On your last point, I am still a virgin now in my early-mid 20s. Never had a girlfriend or been in much of any romantic relationship. I met a girl while traveling, got her info and really connected after we were thousan…

Don't worry about the virgin thing - but there is plenty of time to socialise (and now you have the full time $ to support your hobbies which most 20 year olds don't.)

I didn't start drinking until 23 and didn't start going out with friends until 25. I moved city and made all of my friends through the local live music scene, I'm sure you could have similar results.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#143

Post by mercer »

le-mark wrote: post #107
matheist wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And there's quite a wide range of alternatives in here, ranging from "not creepy at all" to "extrememly creepy". you have established a rapport where you talk about weekend activities, and she has mentioned half marathons to you in particular "Are you still running half marathons?" Not problematic at all; by standard social conventions you have implicit permission to ask about a topic that was previously deemed accep…

Yeah that all makes a lot of sense; the scenario was: more than acquaintances, worked together for over a year, she was QA on a project I was on, we talked everyday. She was very open about her life, and talked openly about the half marathons. Then I ran into her at a beer meetup with alumni from the same company, I hadn't talked to her in over a year. I was trying to make conversation, so I asked about the half mara…

It shouldn't be creepy, I think, but I can see that it is interpreted that way.

I've had a few experiences similar to yours. I'd ask about something I remembered from earlier, and people acted surprised that I remembered. Sometimes the response was negative, and I got the impression that they themselves had forgotten that they told me about this. But other times, especially in a dating context, the response was very positive ('I can't believe you remember!').

As a result of all this, I've made it a personal policy to be very careful about sharing what I remember. When I feel confident that it'll be considered positively, I mention it. When I'm not sure, I act like I don't have the memories that I do.

As an aside, there's some evidence that strong memory in this regard correlates with depression. For me that strikes me as very true: I vividly remember and feel guilt over things only to find out that the other party has entirely forgotten about it.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#144

Post by itsprovocative »

Although I do believe that HR handled the situation poorly (i.e. moving you away from your group), I also think you're not innocent in this. My advice to you would be to reevaluate how you come off to other people and maybe what went wrong in these interactions. If they were bad enough to warrant someone talking to HR then something definitely needs to change. I recommended the book " The Charisma Myth: How anyone can master the art and science of personal magnetism" by Olivia Fox Cabane. Additionally for the fellow commenters, Shame on anyone calling the accuser "mentally ill", "spreading gossip", or anything of the likes. That is victim blaming and weather her accusations are true or not doesn't give you the right to justify his action through attacking her character.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#145

Post by throwaway2564 »

itsprovocative wrote: post #144

Although I do believe that HR handled the situation poorly (i.e. moving you away from your group), I also think you're not innocent in this. My advice to you would be to reevaluate how you come off to other people and maybe what went wrong in these interactions. If they were bad enough to warrant someone talking to HR then something definitely needs to change. I recommended the book " The Charisma Myth: How anyone ca…

Wow. OP has told his story and asked for advice. You've decided with no evidence whatsoever that he's "not innocent in this" and that the accuser is the victim. Horrible.

I don't know who the accuser is and neither does OP. Taking a guess as to what might be going on with her is not "attacking her character". It's an attempt to assess OP's situation with a thought of what to do next.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#146

Post by sctb »

everdayimhustln wrote: post #26

Linus Torvalds was targeted. http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/11/06/linus_torvalds_targe... Also, the pervasive drive-by meddling of SJWs to brow-beat FOSS projects into accepting their Code of Conduct is further bullshit that is reinforced by well-meaning people that think it's a good thing to state the obvious, but then add a bunch of vague powers that can kick people out without due process.

We detached this subthread from https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14676313 and marked it off-topic.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#148

Post by sincarne »

fjfkdjfjfjd wrote: post #30
lazyjones wrote: post #20

That's a very immature way of dealing with the problem (by the management). The issue likely has 2 very different perspectives and both people involved should be mature enough to be confronted with the other's perspective so it can be dealt with fairly. For example, you might be sitting opposite of some female co-workers and frequently meeting glances might be interpreted by them as "staring" etc. while you might not…

I sit facing a wall on one side of the room. The two desks on either side of me are where my teammates (both male) sit. Behind me at the other end of the room, there are two girls, one facing the back wall, and one facing the opposite side wall. The only time I look in their direction is when I enter and leave the room.

Something to consider: women do not generally appreciate being called girls. They may consider that language infantilizing or possibly even sexualizing. It's definitely a word to excise from your at-work vocabulary at a minimum.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#149

Post by onetokeoverthe »

I touched a middle aged woman on the shoulder and my manager also told me to limit my talking with women for 6 months. I was just avoiding shaking hands.

As an intern you may consider leaving early unless you know there is some one sympathetic there who will still provide a good reference.

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