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Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

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Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#101

Post by Jeema101 »

OP, I have felt many of the same things as you. It sounds like you have very high expectations for yourself - perhaps you imagined yourself being somewhat well known in your field or well regarded in life in some way by now.

The reality is that your expectations may not have ever been realistic to begin with. Most of us are not going to be well-known or famous. Insisting that you 'have to' become this or that in life by point X is just going to make you depressed.

I would say, firstly, you need to give yourself a break and take credit for whatever you have accomplished in life. Your thinking has become distorted. Are you seeing a therapist? They could potentially help you sort out some of these negative thoughts and set more realistic goals for yourself. Those goals should be small and achievable to start - not unachievable pie-in-the-sky dreams that will just make you demotivated.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#103

Post by sjg007 »

amisure wrote: post #91

I'm sorry if this is offensive, but is this satire? The responses seem genuine but OP's username is "obviouslyfake" and the username is brand new. I don't want to be insensitive if OP is really depressed. But the tone seems sarcastic to me? I could certainly be wrong, but it seems like they are poking fun at other use cases of "AskHN."

I would assume real and that the 'obviouslyfake' part means that the username is not their real one, otherwise we risk reading too much into it not unlike depression itself.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#104

Post by toastercat »

obviouslyfake wrote: post #62
semi-extrinsic wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know, but have you considered taking some of your time to contribute somewhere helping others, either humans, animals, or nature around you? There are even things like the Rewilding movement where you don't really need to interact with anyone in person, and you can make a very tangible meaningful change, at your own pace.

I am, but i don't know anyone who could use my help and why would they want me to help them and not somebody else?

There are a ton of non-profits that appreciate help from anyone.

On another note, I was depressed and isolated a couple years ago after a breakup, living alone in a city on the other side of the country from my family and friends. Ultimately what got me out of my rut was regular exercise at the gym and reading Feeling Good by David Burns.

I can't recommend that book enough. Much of the philosophy behind it is rooted in Greek Stoicism, so if you just wanna cut to that maybe take a look at Marcus Aurelius or William Irvine's Guide to the Good Life.

What's important though is to not spend your energy trying to meet some invisible metric of "being useful", and instead be able to recognize the cognitive distortions that are causing you to be depressed.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#106

Post by milesvp »

First off. Give yourself space to fail. It is ok to fail. It is ok to be a failure.

Some days it will be hard to get out of bed. That is ok. Get out of bed anyways.

There will be days where doing one 15 minute task will take you 8 hours. That is ok, do it anyways. And then congratulate yourself that you finished it. Do not berate yourself that something so simple took you so long to finish.

Have a goal of 20 minutes vigorous walk daily. You will fail to achieve this goal for many days in a row. That is ok.

The sun is your friend, it will make you feel better. If you live somewhere without much sun, vitamin D can be a lifesaver. If I run out of my supplement and fail to purchase more I notice a strong correlation with low moods that could spiral into depression. I don’t let my vitamin D run out.

Some days you will not want to feel better. That’s ok. Try to feel better anyways.

Sleep is important. Do whatever you can to protect your sleep.

Eat foods that make you feel better. Avoid foods that make your mouth happy at the expense of your body. You may not know how to tell the difference yet. If you pay attention to your body you may eventually get a better idea of what these foods are.

It’s ok to be useless. It’s ok to not make an impact. It’s ok to only do small kindnesses to others. Find some small way to genuinely help someone. Try to do this regularly.

Also, remember that happiness=f(reality/expectations). Your reality can be amazing, but if your expectations are even higher all your achievements are going to feel like garbage. So try not to beat yourself up trying to chase high expectations.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#107

Post by [deleted] »

obviouslyfake wrote: post #62
semi-extrinsic wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know, but have you considered taking some of your time to contribute somewhere helping others, either humans, animals, or nature around you? There are even things like the Rewilding movement where you don't really need to interact with anyone in person, and you can make a very tangible meaningful change, at your own pace.

I am, but i don't know anyone who could use my help and why would they want me to help them and not somebody else?

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#108

Post by lcall »

Having a purpose in life can guide decisions. I believe our existence continues beyond mortality; what we become (learning, practicing honesty & kindness to others) and our service are important. Earning an honest living to serve others, & supporting a family, are honorable and good.

There were some other HN discussions where I commented in more detail, and the containing discussions also have interesting comments (& maybe I like helpful lists):

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=22129921 "Procrastination is about managing emotions, not time"

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23452651 "Ask HN: I implemented the life I designed: perfect but I feel lost. What now?"

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28867645 "Ask HN: What's the Point of Life?"

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23553508 (part of https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23550758 "Ask HN: How do you develop internal motivation?")

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19708786 (part of "Ask HN: What are good resources for life advice?" at https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19650044 )

And maybe (noting for future reference also): https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29266094 " Ask HN: Career progression vs. meaningful/appealing products?"

To me by far the best thing is to have an enduring, joyful, worthwhile, good purpose in life, that drives everything else (including maintaining one's health, balance etc). I have written much about that, at my own site (in profile, then survey or click "Other"). I link to other resources there also; nothing for sale.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#109

Post by lcall »

obviouslyfake wrote: post #31
spython wrote: post #26

Think about the inner values that you have. You mention, you want to make a contribution to the society, and to be a good grandson. That's already a lot! You could start by making really small contributions, it does not have to be world-changing to make sense. Just picking up trash or tending a garden would be a good start. Take care of your other needs – try to eat well, sleep well, move enough, get social support (…

I contribute to open-source, that's the only thing i would be proud of, besides not hurting anybody in any way including myself

If it is available in your area, many volunteer opportunities can be available at sites like https://justserve.org . I link to possible others at my site; can provide a direct link if needed. But JustServe.org facilitates local organizations and volunteers to find each other (it is free; the site is provided as a service of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and open to anyone; there are projects with many organizations; does not allow religious instruction, political work, or etc).

ps: I don't know your specifics, but thanks to you, as a sort of proxy for FLOSS contributors everywhere. Really. I rely on it, and try to contribute also as I'm able. There is so much good stuff out there.

pps: I just was checking the site and they have remote opportunities, though maybe in-person would be more cheering. They also have a list of organizations, etc. (menu at top right).

(edits: the ps and wording fixes)

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#110

Post by mthoms »

pureblood wrote: post #96
obviouslyfake wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have called everyone in my area, many times, nobody could give me an appointment Already on drugs, but taking them makes me feel more shit, because then i have a thought that i'm a broken person and can't live a normal live without depending on meds

stop being so focused on yourself. and you are right to think what you do about taking drugs. i know, i use to be on drugs. they didnt help me. what helped me was helping other people, for no personal gain. get some hobbies that produce something useful and people will suddenly start needing your help. build some stuff out in the garage. its very rewarding. i like woodworking, but lots of things will do. something no…

Counterpoint: Meds have probably saved my life. I know at least two other people who would say the same.

Meds don't work for everyone. Just because they didn't work for you doesn't mean they don't work for others. It's up to the doctor and his/her patient to determine the best course of treatment.

Intentionally stigmitizing medication is not only contributing to the problem... it can be downright dangerous. Any mental health professional will tell you that.

Your anti-medication rhetoric throughout this thread is not useful. Please reconsider your approach.

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