Surviving Anxiety

I can relate to this. I took klonopin for 10+ years, just recently weaned myself off of it (six months and counting).

My first panic attack happened about two weeks after 9/11 on the F train. Top 3 most terrifying moments of my life.

I did CBT, talk therapy, all kinds of anti-depressant medications (the worst being Effexor XR, that shit should be illegal) until finding klonopin to be the most effective. Marijuana was helpful too, though it had its moments of making things worse, but for the most part A+++ rating, would smoke again.

My anxiety manifested itself in some pretty severe panic attacks, extreme hypochondria and some pretty intense derealization. I miss the derealization though, but it took awhile for me to appreciate it instead of fearing it. The hypochondria I don't miss at all. The panic attacks still happen from time to time (mostly when the lights in the room suddenly change) but I'm so used to them now they don't really phase me. And I'm so practiced at having them, nobody standing around me is ever aware that I'm having a sudden bout of tachycardia and growing concerns that my heart is about to explode in my chest.

I noticed the klonopin was making me kind of a zombie, putting a mega-kabosh on the creative output, so I decided to taper my way to freedom. The first two weeks without it were pretty painful, but now it's relatively smooth sailing.

I'm not sure what happened that I got to this point now. I did move to a foreign country (Vietnam) so I'm sure the slower pace has had something to do with it, despite how much I've grown to dislike living here.

As for what caused it, all of my therapists think I have PTSD from my high school days (I was in a pretty violent anti-racist skinhead group back in the day), but I personally think it has to do with all the MDMA I chewed in the post-skinhead rave days. I guess I'll never know.

Have you done CBT?

Weed (because it has no real downsides to me personally) and once-a-year DXM (for depersonalisation) were mildly effective, but the clincher has been learning about buddhism / the tao. I'm not talking about any kind of spiritual practice, but moreso a change in perspective that simply isn't expressed by anyone around me. Doing the unambiguously right thing in the best way in any circumstance with no effort or conscious thought is powerful. I started with the question "How do I talk to people correctly?" and found "right speech" and went from there. Nearly two years later I can say it's been transformational at lowering the anxiety that I once had. Automatic negative thoughts happen infrequently instead of constantly. Though, this is not setting me up to be rich and with lots of worldly possessions or friends, but I'm alright with that.

edit: disappointing that all of the replies are about the first word in this post, but I kind of asked for it. Talk about whatever you want to talk about.

I am curious to hear a little more. In many senses, worry/anxiety is endemic to humans. 'What will I eat/drink to survive?' at the most basic level if you look at how we as creatures have come about. Since these needs are largely fulfilled in modern society these questions get much more idiosyncratic; that is, they are suited uniquely to our individual situations so it's hard to proceed without knowing a little more about what drives some of your feelings of anxiety.

Effexor XR was very helpful for both myself and family members. Just because something doesn't work for you doesn't mean it should be "illegal".