Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

Hey,

I realize this appears OT, but I don't think I'm the only one on HN with this problem, and we can just think of it as 'hacking social interactions' instead.

Here's the problem -- I've broken through the fear (of rejection) of talking to random, attractive girls. However, I have problem maintaining the smalltalk (i.e. conversation generally dies after 2-3 minutes).

Here's a typical scenario: () I find some reason to talk about them -- if waiting @ bus stop (do you know when the next bus comes along?); if waiting in life for smoothie (those are nice ear rings ...); etc ... () then, conversation starts dying; [btw, I'm on a college campus]; i.e. we can chat a bit a bout their major / field of study, etc ... but that's about it

The goal here isn't the pickup society's goal of: hey, go into a random bar, get laid; it's just figuring out how to meet new people + have interesting conversations without those .. ehh .. awkward 10 second silences that kill everything.

Suggestions? (help me debug my life, lol)

Cheers!

I'm a hermit, similarly incapable of smalltalk.

I long ago discovered that no one really likes small talk. It's the prelude to a real conversation; that's the only reason people engage in it (or to signal to each other's monkey brains that one is not a threat).

The solution? Ramp it up into a real conversation. Talk about economics, politics, religion, and Emacs vs. Vim. Out of the blue, whatever.

On a side note, who do you think the women will remember more: the guy who they got into an conversation with about Frederic Bastiat, or the 100th guy to ask them about the weather?

There are basically three sources of small talk. 1. Things said previously in the conversation as in after asking what their major is a follow up where you actually know something about the topic. It helps to be well rounded. 2. Your personal interests(note: for a geek this usually turns out badly if they haven't signaled interest in the topic.) 3. Surroundings, posters for something happening on campus etc.

Let it die. It is the holding on to it after it is dead is what makes it awkward. It is easier to approach them a second time if it dies cleanly the first time.

This may not be what you're looking for, and I don't generally favor medication. However, for a personal, anecdotal perspective. A number of years ago, when stress was particularly high, I started taking St. John's Wort. In addition to taking the edge off of my anxiety, I found myself communicating somewhat more facilely particularly in random social encounters. It was a surprising and pleasant realization.

Now, as a counter-balance, in addition to lessening my anxiety, the St. John's Wort also seems to lessen my "spark" somewhat, depending on dose. I countered this somewhat by adjusting the dose, e.g. at times taking 150 mg as opposed to the "standard" 300 mg.

It's not a dramatic effect, and people still consider me plenty witty (when I'm in good form); but I do sometimes notice, particularly after it wears off, that I'm "seeing further/deeper".

The thing about St. John's Wort is that it is over the counter. It's also considered to be generally fairly benign, although you do need to be aware of potentially adverse effects on some other medication regimens. There are others to be aware of, but as an example, if you are female you should be aware that St. John's Wort lessens the effectiveness of oral contraceptives.

St. John's Wort is also noted for increasing photosensitivity in some people.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Johns_Wort#Adverse_effects_a...

For me, in part perhaps the St. John's Wort helps me to let go of my own concerns and to focus more on the immediate moment and what interests the other person. This immediacy eliminates much of the "hesitation" that quickly grows in awkwardness to the point where the interaction is killed.

As I've gotten older and, frankly, my hormones balance has correspondingly changed, I've found it easier to achieve this state without e.g. St. John's Wort (or alcohol, or whatever else might be used). Also, being involved in an activity that is very engaging and immediate can also on its own bypass / short-circuit / obviate this "hesitation".

So, I think there are ways to get towards what you describe without popping a pill. Perhaps meditation might be a component, over the longer term. Still, experiencing that ease is of itself interesting and informative, and so I share my experience for any benefit or further discussion it may promote.

I wish you well, and I wish you particularly the social grace you seek: As one gets older, it does become apparent how "short" our time is, and how important social life is to one's quality of life. You are right to want to improve your own.

Regards

P.S. If you do look into St. John's Wort, be sure to find a product that is standardized not only against hypericin but also against hyperforin. I've found that only those products that ensure the latter have the best efficacy for me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Johns_Wort#Chemical_composit...

Starting a conversation is much easier when you have a reason to think you have something to talk about with the other person. I too find it difficult (and generally, also fairly pointless) to engage random strangers on the street in conversation, but have found on the other hand that tech meetups, volunteer opportunities, and alumni events have a relatively high chance of producing interesting conversations, especially once I've established an "anchor" group of friends and peers within a particular community.

You may also want to consider the context for the conversations when trying to determine the reason that they die out. There was an article posted here some time back on the subject of "acceptable settings for flirting", which wasn't all that informative, but did hammer on one key point: people's degree of receptiveness to conversation with strangers depends largely on context. I.e., someone sitting by him or herself in a bar or coffee shop may be a bit more open to chit-chat than they would be when sitting at a bus stop, or having lunch in a cafeteria.

Basically, you should rely on favorable settings (parties, departmental mixers, sporting events) and implied social ties (academic cohort, shared professional interest, friends in common) to get your foot in the door, then try out your best lines, rather than expecting your wit alone to forge a new relationship.