I Resent My Cofounder

I've written and deleted this post more than once, and I've worked very hard to not be judgmental and make invalid assumptions, but today I just couldn't stop writing, and I think it's finally time to sit on the therapy couch that is HN.

I've been working with my co-founder for a number of years. We're great friends, and we have a lot in common. We both have passion for what we do and for our road ahead. I don't think I'd be where I am today without her, but at the same time, I'm starting to see we're not the same people we used to be.

I put in around 60-70 hours/week on our startup. She puts in maybe 60-70% of that.

I obsess over it 24/7. She seems content to let me do that.

When we have new ideas, they are always mine. There are many times I've thought about holding them back in order to build them on my own. That alone tells me I need to do something about it.

I have to constantly pull, nag, and guilt my cf into putting in more time and effort, and it's wearing me down. I don't like being a bitch. At our current pace it will take years of this pace in order to achieve our goals. I don't have years to drag someone along, and my family is already tired of watching it happen.

My gut says I need to increase my salary and reduce hers, cutting back equity at the same time. Maybe even find someone else to bring on that can contribute equal to the cuts I make. But I'm worried that it would damage our relationship to a point of no coming back.

I feel like this startup is my best chance for making it, and I absolutely refuse to let it go in order to move on. So the question is, do I just deal with the resentment and be grateful for what I have, make some sort of monetary change, or fire them all together and rebuild the team?

Surely this resentment will boil into something even more negative, and I want to act before it gets to that point.

My first reaction is to tell you to act on the shareholder agreement and change the equity. Buy her out if you can. You build a new team. You have already waited too long.Great friends do not make great partners. However, you may be better served by having a trusted advisor speak with both of you individually, then together, to mediate. There may be more going on here than you know, and if there is a chance to clear the air and start afresh, you should find that. Finding cofounders is hard. You must have a trusted advisor that can do this for you -- it's part of why we have advisors, no?

From my limited understanding of startups, that's quite normal.

I'd suggest first trying to really 'get' that it's perfect just the way it is. No really, it's perfect. And it's perfect that you want to do something about it.

Then you will be in a space to choose if you WANT it to work like it is, or find a new co-founder, or have it work a completely new way.

It is natural to have week to week ebb and flow in performance but the first step to fixing it is agreeing to observe it.

One solution is getting an independent party, ideally someone you both trust, and get him to review both your performances and give you each feedback on a regular basis.

We do this at our start-up by doing quick review calls participated by each of the 3 founders along with a fourth independent party who gives his honest feedback on our day to day performance.

Sure, you put in 60-70 hours and you feel she puts in 60-70% of that, but a bigger question is, is that all needed? You are assuming that your thinking about your start-up 24/7 and constantly being concerned about it is automatically adding more value than her. I know because I've been in your shoes. The answer is not always that you are fully correct.

You're right, I've thought about this a lot. I work a lot because I like it, but also because we're not in the black yet. If we were, I'd probably relax at least a bit, but I've already experienced a time when the clock ran out and the money dried up. I'm doing everything in my power to prevent it this time.

I do like your idea about getting an independent party, but we're not in the same region so our mutual acquaintances are few. I need to think on that a bit.

Edit: Curious, was there any resistance when this was implemented with your team? How did the conversation go?