I may be beyond redemption

I am ashamed to even type all of this...again. I have had a few rants before on HN and reddit.

It seems like I cannot improve or get better at all, I have been stuck literally doing nothing for a decade, like literally, I am not even kidding.

My parents are great people, great is an understatement, I had a great upbringing, hard work and academics was always emphasized. I didn't do shit though, just daydreamed about it.

I have been interested in tech for a looong time but I would just read about it, daydream about using it for awesome purposes, maybe try to learn it a bit and it would seem too hard and I would think, "eh I will start tomorrow" and go consume something that provided instant gratification. Years literally passed, and that never happened. I got through middle and high school because my parents literally dragged me through it, got a degree from a degree mill, again because of my parents all this while daydreaming and deep in delusions about how I was gonna learn a lot and get a great tech job while only attempting to learn for a little bit before going back to wasting time.

No matter how high the stakes are, I don't do shit, my head is messed up. That's not even the worst part, the worst part is my parents who are objectively good people got mega fucked wasting time and money on me, all for this cowardly excuse of flesh, blood and betrayal. I once used to believe in god of an organized religion but no such entity obviously exists, otherwise I would have thrown myself off a mountain hoping my parents were rewarded in the afterlife at least.

I never dreamed or intended for myself to end this way, and my parents did warn me about turning out exactly as this kind of person. Honestly, I am not even a person, something much lesser and vile.

Along with the legendary procrastination, I have always had this resistance and fatigue to doing "stuff", both cognitive tasks and otherwise. I have never been able to conquer it, no matter what routines or schedules or discipline I tried, I ended up failing.

I wish I had terminated myself a long time ago, or just never existed. If someone secretly holds a time machine, can you please lend it to me? I wanna go back and erase any means that would ever lead to my existence, please.

There is no hope for me making money, even less so, wealth. This constant laziness, zero sense of conscientiousness, shamelessness is not going away and you may think because I "realized" it now, I can do bettter. I have had this "realization" many times but it ends up going nowhere and I default to the shithead person I am.

What do I do? I need a lot of money so I can pay back my parents who have been with me through all this, patiently. Is there something I can do that can net me some millions, no matter how degrading? I have already shown I have no capacity to learn or do any knowledge work or anything necessary to make decent money, much less millions. AI means I am too late to get into tech either way.

Again, if anyone has access to a time machine that can erase my existence or something I can do to make millions I would appreciate if you would let me know because I am utterly devoid of change or redemption. Please, anyone

EDIT: I know this is insane and dumb, but who knows what can happen? It may catch the eye of some billionaire who wants to do something society considers "unconventional" or whatever. I don't mind, I just need money.

Well, how will I live if I don't make money or am useful. I appreciate your words, but this world is no utopia, humans have always had to have some utility to exist since the days we evolved into our current form. We are just slightly better animals, and wildlife is brutal. And, so is this world we inhabit.

I already got tested for it by multiple different professionals, they seem to think I don't have it. And people with adhd are everywhere in the tech industry, it did not stop them from learning or becoming great engineers.

I have tried strattera, vyvanse, and some other meds i can't even remember, none worked and only made me more suicidal

I don't see any hope for me.I have no capacity to work hard, learn technical shit, love people, sense of responsibility, anything. I just wanna go, but I need money before I end it

first, you don't need to reward or payback your parent. You don't need to feel guilty for the love and support of your parent. second, it is never too late. you already had a time machine. your future 70 year old self transported you back so that you had awareness and wrote this post but you can't remember that you're from the future. But you do know that you can make a difference starting now. Don't aim for big changes. You will mostly disappoint and give up. Aim for small daily improvements. Procratinate a little bit less (just a little will do) . Learn a bit more (just a bit more is enough) every day.Time will be your friend and you will be a different person a year from now.

I do owe my parents, firstly because I am adopted and secondly, they went above and beyond for me in every way they could. Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them.

I am trying small daily improvements now, for the millionth time. But the fear and the guilt is overwhelming, and I am never gonna catch up to other normal people, much less high earners. And then there is AI.

If you aren't suitable for white collar track, you very well know you can get into blue collar trades or become a taxi driver.

The tests for ADHD and some variations of depression are leaky, erroneous shit. Just get the drugs (Adderall xr, Wellbutrin) and see if these help.

You say you tried some NDRI spectrum drugs, this probably means you have some rare type of depression or schizo spectrum disorder, or something else entirely.

If your parents truly care about you they will find you a decent doctor that will diagnose it.

>it did not stop them from learning or becoming great engineers.

You seem not to be wired to get intrinsic motivation from coding, idk.