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Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

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Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#1

Post by somethingsimple »

I've noticed over the years that whenever I'm in group conversations in a social setting, people in general don't pay too much attention to what I say. For example, let's say the group is talking about travel and someone says something I find relatable e.g. someone mentions a place I've been to and really liked. When I try to contribute to the conversation, people just don't seem interested, and typically the conversation moves on as if I hadn't said anything. If I try to speak for a longer time (continuing with the travel example, let's say I try to talk about a particular attraction I enjoyed visiting at that location), I'm usually interrupted, and the focus shifts to whoever interrupted me.

This has happened (and still happens often) a lot, in different social circles, with people of diverse backgrounds. So, I figure it's not that I hang out with rude people, the problem must be me. I think the saddest part of all this is that even my wife's attention drifts off most of the time I try to talk to her.

I know it's not a language barrier issue, and I know for sure I enunciate my words well. I wonder though if the issue may be that I have a weak voice, or just an overall weak presence/body language. How can that be improved, if that's the case?

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#2

Post by turtleyacht »

Do your own thing. Attention is a resource, and people love listeners. You're a "slot" in their social circle for something, but it's a mystery. I don't think it's worth figuring out.

If someone is genuinely interested in what you have to say, they will actively seek and ask, right? They would include you in the conversation.

Sorry if it's not much help. Trust your intuition, and forgive yourself. Time sorts things out.

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#3

Post by not_your_vase »

I can't give concrete advice, but I can give one example, when do I ignore people joining a conversation like this: when their contribution is only tangentially related, and kind of hijacks the original topic for no good reason.

E.g. I'm having a conversation with a hw engineer: (all imaginary below, but the main situation does happen every once in a while)

  > Me: This USB hub you designed seems to work on my Dell Desktop, but not on my HP laptop. Can you take a look at it?
  > HW Eng: Sure. But could it be a problem with the laptop? Maybe it's not my design's fault.
  > Me: Come on, it's an off the shelf laptop. We can't write in the user manual that users shouldn't use HP laptops, haha.
  > Hw Eng: Haha, okay, let me check it.
  > Random guy: Haha, I just sent my Asus tablet for warranty repair, you shouldn't buy Asus.
I mean, what should one say to this, if anything? I don't know if this is your case also. It's just one situation when this can happen.

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#4

Post by brudgers »

People don't want their attention commanded.

They want other people's attention.

If you want people to care about what you say, say things they care about...say things that show you care about what they have to say.

Because if what comes out of your mouth suggests you were just waiting for an opening to talk about yourself, people will tune out...unless of course they give you what you want.

Be fun to talk to. The more fun you are to talk to the more you will enjoy conversations. Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#5

Post by malfist »

brudgers wrote: post #4

People don't want their attention commanded. They want other people's attention. If you want people to care about what you say, say things they care about...say things that show you care about what they have to say. Because if what comes out of your mouth suggests you were just waiting for an opening to talk about yourself, people will tune out...unless of course they give you what you want. Be fun to talk to. The mo…

This is exactly it. Don't view conversations as a zero sum game where you come out in top.

Talk with the person, talk to the person. Don't talk at the other person.

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#6

Post by itake »

> When I try to contribute to the conversation, people just don't seem interested, and typically the conversation moves on as if I hadn't said anything.

There is lot unsaid here, so its really difficult to know exactly what your issue is.

This might be low brow, but could you potentially record yourself and play it back? Maybe looking over your own shoulder, you can see things you missed in the moment.

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#7

Post by patrickdavey »

If you haven't read it have a read of "how to win friends and influence people". Sounds like a book about tricking people to like you, but, really it's just a manual of tips you can use. I'd echo the other comments: if you want people to enjoy interacting with you, just ask them lots of questions and be genuinely interested in what _they_ have to say, _not_ what you can add to the conversation... that'll come with time.

Good luck :)

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#8

Post by namaria »

Things that have worked for me: modulate voice tone - lots of people tend to strive for a monotone voice for some reason, and it sounds rather boring and drone like; pyramid principle - start with the main thing and fill out details later, building up to something tends to make people drift off; brevity is the soul of wit - don't emphasize things by rephrasing ideas, don't hammer on points that have been made, don't pile on jokes, keep the conversation moving; pass the ball - don't try to hold the groups attention, be aware of opportunities to add to the conversation and let it keep flowing away from you often.

> someone says something I find relatable

That's a key point. You're seeing things you find interesting as opportunities to add to the conversation. Flip this around, try to look for things that others would find interesting.

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#9

Post by bastiengiraud »

not_your_vase wrote: post #3

I can't give concrete advice, but I can give one example, when do I ignore people joining a conversation like this: when their contribution is only tangentially related, and kind of hijacks the original topic for no good reason. E.g. I'm having a conversation with a hw engineer: (all imaginary below, but the main situation does happen every once in a while) > Me: This USB hub you designed seems to work on my Dell Des…

Thanks for your illustration. I recognize myself in it and you made me realize that I am often making links between things unrelated to the conversation.

Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

#10

Post by ribadeo »

There's a guy in my youtube feed that literally focuses on specifically this aspect of speech.

I see a lot of emphasis on the tone and pacing, the music of your speech.

https://youtube.com/@askvinh

I can't vouch for anything he says but he seems to be recapping essentially common sense points, so i wouldn't reckon he's totally off.

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