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As a very small, but highly frequent example, I’ll invite an acquaintance to get a coffee or beer with me a few times but never have this acquaintance seemingly think of me if I’m not directly asking them to hang.
I can’t really figure out why. Maybe I’m a boring person? Maybe I’m abrasive? Maybe most people like to stay in a perpetual state of acquaintance-ness?
How do you fix something like this if you can’t diagnose what’s wrong?
I will accept almost every social engagement with people I like, though.
So: maybe it's not you.
You have to risk the relationship - the very thoughts you fear, the thoughts "Oh, I could never ask that, they'll hate me."
Those thoughts. You have to voice them.
It's the only way to maintain intimacy and reveal who you truly are.
For gelling with new people and bringing them into your own circle, it's good to understand that it's a numbers game too. Figuring out social groups that you enjoy should always be the main goal. I have real life friends who love climbing, and we already budgeted time for climbing, so we usually hang out before or after a session and it hits all the same. Similarly, online friends who like building video games like me can sometimes spare the time to play or develop together.
Increasing your surface area in this way is a great way to start! As you get acquainted with more people, the chances that you have at least one person to hang out with at any time increases greatly, and in turn that they will want to hang out with you.
A colleague might be a fun character telling stories over a beer but also professionally useless.
If a colleague invited me out for a coffee - and we didn't really know each other in the office - I would be suspicious as to their motive.
What we tried to do was basically inviting all our neighbors over, always being nice without trying too hard. At first some would not even say hello back. After a while we developed relationships that are not very deep yet, but we’re getting somewhere. It takes time, a lot of time.
What I would suggest is that you try many different people (neighbors, fellow parents from school, work colleagues) if one relationship doesn’t pan out. Eventually you’ll find someone with whom you will “click”. For me the best relationships I got was with the former work colleagues, we just kept in touch and hanged out after work.
Rather than try to change how that person responds to you, you can either work on being ok with how little they initiate, or you can put effort into other (or finding new) relationships where people will initiate more.
People also go through busy and less busy times - so maybe try again with this person in 6 months and see if things are different.
There are so many different kinds of people (with so many different preferences), that I really think your time is better spent finding new people that you click more with, rather than trying to change yourself.
Anecdotally, I desire to hang out with people who share my interests and want to do similar activities that we both enjoy.
I’m a few years removed from college now, and it’s highlighted to me just how special living closely with people of similar age and interest does for one’s social life. Once you spread out, gain dependents, work, etc… it’s much more of an effort to stay in touch.
Just because someone doesn’t reciprocate your effort to connect doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to hang out with you.
One of them is that this kind of people are generally in the minds of their friends/acquaintances. And one of the reasons there is that they see them as very good listeners during conversations. They match their conversation style, they confirm what they’ve been talking about with feedback and this sort of behaviour that tend to help people build trust and friendships.
I’m not done with the book yet, but I can see many things relating to what I generally practice. And I’ve got good friends :)
I’m currently reading this book called “Supercommunicators” and while I’m not done with it, there are some ideas there that really resonate. One of them is that this kind of people are generally in the minds of their friends/acquaintances. And one of the reasons there is that they see them as very good listeners during conversations. They match their conversation style, they confirm what they’ve been talking about wi…