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Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

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Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#2

Post by gleenn »

This metaphor immediately rang true to me but the article is definitely worth the whole read. There are a bunch of linked articles too which also have some very sound advice. I really like a tactic in hard situations which was saying "What I learned..." followed by "What I'll do is...". It makes someone feel heard and that you'll follow through with some action to make someone feel like you have akin in the game with their concern. I really liked a lot of other somewhat generic but still oft-ignored advice like lean in a bit, make eye-contact, and the title which is just that if someone is making you feel off, instead of just reacting like a thermometer and also potentially aggravating the weirdness, do things that help regulate and relieve those human tendencies based on feelings of fear etc. Excellent read.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#3

Post by klabb3 »

Definitely gonna borrow this language, it’s a really important aspect of social life. I’ve always been very, very thermometer-like, with a strong tendency to mirror which allows me to connect with people 1 on 1 easy, but on the flip side I absorb vibes I don’t want. My coping mechanism is to avoid bad vibes, confrontational situations, etc. Even being in a social group for long can affect me negatively if the people there have values I don’t agree with, even if I have no desire to change them. Any tips for how to manage that better?

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#4

Post by dmoy »

> Make sure you’re squarely facing the person

Awww shit that's gonna be hard for my inner Minnesotan. All that deep listening stuff needs to be done at a 135-165 degree angle, so you're both vaguely looking in the same-ish direction but can make occasional side glance eye contact

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#6

Post by deisteve »

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsustainable. Can we really expect people to be constantly "on" and aware of their emotional impact on others?

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#7

Post by theultdev »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

It's less emotional labor and less exhausting the more you are aware of your emotions.

You can recognize the stimuli and rationalize it before becoming upset.

The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the less stressed you become.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#8

Post by deisteve »

theultdev wrote: post #7
deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

It's less emotional labor and less exhausting the more you are aware of your emotions. You can recognize the stimuli and rationalize it before becoming upset. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the less stressed you become.

totally understand where you're coming from, but I think there's a difference between being aware of your emotions and trying to suppress or fake them. The article isn't suggesting that we should be constantly 'on' and pretending to be someone we're not. Rather, it's about developing self-awareness and learning to manage our emotions in a way that's authentic and sustainable.

Recognizing the stimuli that trigger our emotions is a great first step, but it's not just about rationalizing it away. It's about understanding what's driving our emotions and learning to respond in a way that's healthy and constructive. This takes practice, patience tho

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#10

Post by Suppafly »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

I think you can consciously learn a skill by practicing it enough. You can choose to project positivity and like most things in life, fake it until you make it.

>feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsustainable

There definitely some wisdom in knowing when to draw back for your own sanity.

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