Ask HN: How do you find a mentor in software engineering and in life?

Over the years three of mine self-selected. One died, one aged out. I'd say that in some ways, this is the worst method. you don't get any try-before-you-buy and sometimes smart people mean well but wreak havoc.

It's a delicate relationship. You need to set boundaries.

I've been put in the other side of things twice now, once by a committee which had me mentor a fellow at an IETF meeting and it "stuck" -and the other time he selected me. I'd say either kind is acceptable to me. I don't go out of my way to look for this role, and I can say that some life-questions are really hard to deal with because I am convinced there is no right answer sometimes.

I say three self selected, but it's actually four. One it became more a mutuality so really there is three. Btw she's younger than me, which was in itself initially surprising but what she brought to the table was a formal framework for open-ended questioning and training on the counselling/mentoring front. I helped her get the quals by being the guinea-pig, and that turned out to be mutually beneficial.

I would be open to "mentoring" being with people who are NOT in your primary field, who are not necessarily older than you and who may not share life experiences. In some ways, the mutuality is the best bit: being asked and asking questions is surprisingly informative both sides. Or, to it being a paid relationship such as with a mental health professional. (which I also do)

Frankly, much "advice" from people in prior economic situations is not helpful in the modern job market. You wouldn't expect somebody who worked in Hitachi for 55 years from a cadetship to understand FAANG culture, and vice-versa. So bear in mind that a lot of the wisdom of the ancients is from different job markets, different situations.

Most surprising for me was that a mentor is not (neccessarily) some majestic, white haired, wisdom packed, ancient being, but can be your friends or co-workers a year or two further in whatever journey you are on.

My mentors mostly are my friends and my direct co-workers (that i also would consider friends) who really shape(d) me as a career changeing dev.

You don't.

If you think you need a mentor seriously reconsider what you have been doing

If you keep doing tutorials and reading books you'll eventually find the way but it is so much better with someone guiding you and some pressure to motivate

Same position as you. I have applied for a job with with different skills than my experience, so I am being paid to learn, with the seniors help

Still not the same as mentor, and I had to accept some pay stagnation

But it gave me a new perspective on my career

The training is based on this: Golang For Beginners - Let's Build A Key Value Store https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PMVyy5YecU4

How To Build A Complete Distributed File Storage In Golang https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bymQakvTY40

I could have done it by myself before, but with some pressure is easier. Definitely recommend them

The 'from scratch' tutorials on youtube are very interesting

Also nowadays where everyone thinks they know best, and new project keep making many of the previous mistakes

> but I can't openly discuss moving companies with them

Why not? Do you believe that if you mention that you are evaluating the big picture of your career, they'll fire you or something? Then you are in a bad place to begin with.

If you have already decided to leave and there is no way they can offer help or advice then it is good to keep that private. But don't hide your goals and desires from the very people who have the power to grant them to you. Your reasons for wanting to move companies might be resolved by switching roles in the current company. Let them help you figure out whether or not that is possible. After all, good leaders help their people grow.