Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

Your partner is going to need support even if she isn't pushing for it and all seems well, if she's up all night at intervals feeding but you're sleeping well, eventually it becomes irritating. Be willing to do expressed milk or formula feeds in the night, deal with nappies / diapers willingly, make some time off for her by taking the baby out for long walks or car trips when it won't fall asleep etc.

It varies but doesn't be surprised if you don't really feel much about the new arrival until after a few months when it becomes clear there is actually a person in there. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

If you're planning on being with your partner during the birth, remember your personal admin as well. 16 hours on your feet in a high adrenaline situation is easy to forget to eat and drink, use the bathroom etc until your body tells you enough is enough.. and that's usually just before your little bundle of joy arrives..

Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said:

The life and death matters (sorry):

- Never shake your kid, ever

- Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating

The luxury matters:

- Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it

- Don't worry. Whatever happens at any point, it's going to be very different soon. Your kid cries a lot / doesn't talk yet / is not dry yet? It will change soon and you'll forget that you even worried about it.

- Adding to before: Don't project into the future. What is now is not indicative of the future

- A lot of things are outside your control. Don't try to control them all, it only grinds you up

- Almost all your challenges are going to be emotional, not rational. Try to invest in empathy, care for all three of your family

- Music is magic. Sing for your kid. Don't worry, it doesn't know or care what good/bad singing is

- Body contact is magic. Hold your kid close to your skin as much as possible

- Some people think kids are inherently evil and need to be broken. Some people think kids are inherently good and need to be left to their own devices completely. Both are wrong: Kids need guidance but want respect.

- Take your kid seriously, always. Even as a toddler.

Obligatory medical stuff:

- The most frequent injuries are toddler fractures (careful with trampolines) and elbow subluxations. When you hold your kid's hand and they fall, try not to pull and twist the arm or the joint will pop out. If it does, don't worry, it doesn't hurt, but go see a doctor within a few hours to pop it back in. The longer you wait the harder it gets.

- If there's a fever and it's really tough, you can alternate ibuprofen and tylenol up to every 3 hours. Take care to use fractional doses by weight. Always have some sort of NSAID in your house.

That's a small selection. Maybe you won't encounter them, but maybe you will, and maybe they'll help.

Having a kid is a challenge, but it makes life much more.

Father of a 9-months old here. Here are two things I recently wrote to a friend who was in your position:

Choreography

I set up a nappy-change table that folds out on our bathroom wall. That was a bit of a coincidence but I am really happy that I put it there. It's the perfect spot with access to the sink, the washing machine and the nappy bin. It's worth thinking a bit about because you will be using it during the middle of the night, holding the baby with one hand and needing to throw out the diaper with the other, followed by cleaning up nasty stuff all over. And you will be doing this in a sleep deprived state, with a baby screaming into your ear, making it feel like a military stress test of sorts. The same applies to bottle routine -- if you are going to sterilize them, are they easy to get from there to drying to usage etc.

Stress

One thing that is at the same time super frustrating and a huge relief is that the stress keeps changing character. Every time you think you've found a routine, suddenly the trick that used to work for calming down now seems to do the opposite. But conversely, the thing that was the cause for tantrums is suddenly not a problem at all, and might even trigger smiles. I try to keep this in mind every time I do something for the 14th time that is really annoying.

Get a few bottles of plain saline nose-spray for babies and a book about general baby preparation. Prepare for sleepless nights and hours of holding/rocking/swaying your baby in the exact same position so it can sleep.

Other than that, don't overthink/worry too much about it, and you'll be fine!