Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

I am a software developer just like many users of the wonderful HN community and an ardent HN user myself for around 7 years . It has inspired me to pursue software Dev/Tech as a career as well as a passion beyond the office. However , today I come to HN to seek your thoughts on a non-tech related topic. My mother was diagnosed with cancer a month and half back and after two surgeries has started with the first round of chemotherapy. It has been quite a tough last few days ever since the chemo started with the common side effects of the treatment as is known. It has been really challenging going through the daily tasks at work, and am honestly finding it quite difficult to cope, seeing my mother go through this. If anyone here has ever or is going through a similar situation , I am just looking to seek some answers, on how you cope(d) and manage(d) your work and day to day schedule , and how / what you did to care for your parents. I really wish no family would've to ever go through this. But its life I suppose and we have to accept it and learn to deal with it. I am just learning to , and am looking for some direction here, so I can do my best to balance a job and take care of my family through this time.

From my experience with cancer in my family, I think the number one thing I would recommend is that you should remember to keep treating your mother as the normal person she is, and not as a cancer patient.

A lot of her life is going to be cancer this, cancer that, these drugs and those drugs, doctors A, B, C, and D, and always an another upcoming appointment on the calendar.

It's tiring for her and it's hard to maintain ones dignity when everyone around you is being constantly sympathetic over a protracted period of time. It's a difficult idea to convey; you don't want to ignore her struggle and illness. Just don't let the cancer subconsciously become your definition of her.

As far as coping, it's going to get worse before it gets better. Hearing the news of cancer is like grief, except worse because you have the legitimate hope that things might get better.

I wish I had some good answers for you. I have been through this with my wife when my children were young.

One thing I would do better if / when I go through it again: When people say: "If there is anything you need, just ask", accept immediately and specifically.

- please mow my lawn every week, or organize someone else

- please do this shopping trip for me

- please cook Friday evening meals and bring them around

- please wash my car

I'm really busy, please make this problem go away for me.

People are often keen to help, they just don't know how. Tell them.

Whatever you do, don’t stop treatment. Follow the doctor’s advice, but at the same time use critical thinking, and seek a second opinion (from a doctor, not alternative medicine) when in doubt.

As for coping from her side - be understanding, encouraging and accepting. If she loses hair, or gets bad skin - don’t make it a big deal.

I'm so, so sorry. I lost my mother to a different but similar terminal illness several years ago and I know how hard this is. It took her about ~4 years to die after the diagnosis and I'll share what I learned.

One of the ways this can be made worse is if you stop engaging in sufficient self care. Make sure you continue to get some exercise, bath daily, stay hydrated, eat good food, get enough sleep, and stand in the sun every day (in many ways humans are just more complicated house plants). This won't make everything better, but not doing it can get you depressed quite quickly.

You should first accept that your work output is probably just going to lower and forgive yourself for it. Ask for help with from friends, and if you can afford it consider buying help with some of the daily tasks and chores. It sounds like this is the first few days, in which case I'd guess this will be one of the low points of the experience. It probably won't always be this bad, but you should be prepared to feel this way several more times throughout the process. Try to understand the level of support you need during this time so you can ask for it again.

If you can find someone who will lend you an ear outside of your family, talk to them about what you're going through. Talking through your emotions will help you process them and decrease how much they interfere with your day.

Conversely, within the family you probably want to minimize conversation about your mother's illness and talk more about happier things. This won't always be possible, and your family members may need you to be their ear while they cope, but try to watch for conversations repeating themselves. People often get into grieving spirals where they rehash the same sad points over and over; engaging directly isn't helpful, you want to switch to talking about happier memories.

It's not clear to me how good or bad your mother's diagnosis is, but if things turn for the worse I recommend you and your family read the article How Doctor's Die[0]. This informed my family on how we'd handle her treatment, deciding not to go for maximum intervention, and I'm so happy we did. Both for her, and for us.

Best of luck, remember, this too shall pass.

[0] https://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2011/11/30/how-doctors-di...