The social obligation to be bad at things
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The social obligation to be bad at things
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Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#2To perhaps state the obvious, the reason we don't encourage people to say that they're good at things is that it's hard to judge for yourself. It has as much to do with your general view on yourself, and what your standard of "good" is, than what the average other person would think. So, you try to prove you are good by doing things, not saying things.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#3Can I agree with his overall premise but disagree with thinking that scheduling weekly one-on-one's with your wife is in any way a good idea?
I also wonder if the social obligation to be bad at things - that is, to avoid arrogance at all costs, even at the risk of withholding potentially useful advice - is more an American thing than a worldwide phenomenon. Not being embarrassed when you can't spell words correctly seems to be unique to American culture.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#4Can I agree with his overall premise but disagree with thinking that scheduling weekly one-on-one's with your wife is in any way a good idea? I also wonder if the social obligation to be bad at things - that is, to avoid arrogance at all costs, even at the risk of withholding potentially useful advice - is more an American thing than a worldwide phenomenon. Not being embarrassed when you can't spell words correctly s…
> Can I agree with his overall premise but disagree with thinking that scheduling weekly one-on-one's with your wife is in any way a good idea?
No. That's the whole point. If it works for them why would it be bad? Let's try and not shame people for having different approaches to things.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#5I've always thought that most people either judge you for being below them or worship you for being above them.
Very few people occupy that middle ground where they are just happy for you and treat you as a person with motivations, flaws, and gifts.
I'd gander to say this hierarchical primitive behavior is a major impediment to human progress.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#6To perhaps state the obvious, the reason we don't encourage people to say that they're good at things is that it's hard to judge for yourself. It has as much to do with your general view on yourself, and what your standard of "good" is, than what the average other person would think. So, you try to prove you are good by doing things, not saying things.
I have worked with people who could say they were good at things without sounding arrogant, and after a great deal of thought I have concluded that it's because of two things.
1. those same people are quick to say when they're bad at things as well.
2. their competency is never the point of the sentence, it's always a supporting argument on the way to the point. E.g. I'm an expert in this library and I struggle with using that part correctly, we should consider reworking it so it's possible for novices to use it.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#7I've always thought that most people either judge you for being below them or worship you for being above them. Very few people occupy that middle ground where they are just happy for you and treat you as a person with motivations, flaws, and gifts. I'd gander to say this hierarchical primitive behavior is a major impediment to human progress.
There's a lot to unpack here.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#8> A thing I got pissed off at a while ago was reactions to someone talking about having weekly one-on-ones with his wife
My guess is that it would have gone over a lot better if the person had stated that he had weekly scheduled dates with his wife.
> When someone tries to do something good and we don't think it's the right thing, we punish them.
Why are you announcing your good deeds to the whole world? A lot of religions and cultures condemn things like that. Do good for its own sake, not to be rewarded and praised by your peers. I think a lot of the issues the author describes are a backlash from oversharing.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#9I'm glad the author is talking about this problem, but I think there's a slight misidentification of the cause.
I don't think it's that we're supposed to be bad at things, it's that we're expected to already be good at things. This still applies (irrationally) even when:
1. There is no mechanism provided for becoming good at the things we're expected to be good at.
2. Most people aren't good at the things we're expected to be good at.
The underlying thing here, is that ignorance, a temporary condition, is conflated with stupidity, a permanent condition.
Carol Dweck puts this another way: she describes a "fixed" mindset, where people believe that mistakes are examples of their inherent value, and therefore fear taking risks, and try to hide their mistakes. This is contrasted with a "growth" mindset, in which mistakes are seen as a necessary part of growth and risks are seen as learning opportunities.
Also related is Brene Brown's theory of vulnerability as being a necessary part of forming relationships.
I will say, I'm not entirely convinced by all the details of either Carol Dweck's mindset theory or Brene Brown's vulnerability theory, but the generalities seem to be evident in my own life.
EDIT: I'll also add that this conflation is particularly damaging to people and communities where intelligence is highly valued, and people base much of their self-worth in being knowledgeable. My personal experience is that growing up I based a lot of my self-worth in "being smart" so anyone disagreeing with me or pointing out something I didn't know felt like an attack on the very thing that made me feel worthwhile. Building real self-esteem made it possible for me to start seeing that when I don't know something that doesn't decrease my value as a person. This has allowed me to admit I don't know things more often, and actually fill in some of those gaps with real knowledge. I'm still a growing person, and I'm still not good at this, but the progress I have made has improved my life immensely.
Re: The social obligation to be bad at things
#10> A thing I got pissed off at a while ago was reactions to someone talking about having weekly one-on-ones with his wife My guess is that it would have gone over a lot better if the person had stated that he had weekly scheduled dates with his wife. > When someone tries to do something good and we don't think it's the right thing, we punish them. Why are you announcing your good deeds to the whole world? A lot of rel…
Example of author's point?