Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#1

Post by himom » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:10 PM UTC

I’m not depressed, sad, angry, hurt, drunk, high or self-injurious... I’m just tired of boredom, misery and wasting. I’m homeless in a vehicle that doesn’t work in a parking lot that’s not precisely safe.

The following is text of an email to the only person I know, my mother:

9 years of living homeless is enough. I have no purpose and no future. I have to stop idling and face reality. I have nothing, am nothing, provide nothing, can’t interact with people and offer nothing. I’m tired of all of it. I don’t have anything to do and refuse to do pointless “painting for dementia patients” meaningless “work” that doesn’t change anything. I can’t think of anything worth doing, I can’t think anymore (cognitive decline) and I don’t have any means to do anything if I did. It’s not your fault, it’s bad genetic dice and my fault for where I’m at. My mind is failing, my health is failing in multiple ways and I can’t keep delaying the inevitable.

I wish this didn’t have to be so but wishing doesn’t help the facts. I’m a parasite whose lifecycle needs to expire sooner rather than later, so you must let me go. There is no viable alternative that I can think of that I could live with. I don’t want to live in this failing world anymore and I’m failing too. There’s nothing for me here or anywhere. I can’t build anything, I can’t do anything, I can’t have friends, I can’t have a family... so I don’t want to live.

It’s over.

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#2

Post by jmcminis » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:20 PM UTC

Your email and post/comment history seem quite cogent. You still have the ability to write clearly and effectively. Please consider your options. Reach out to someone locally for help/contact. I would be surprised if there weren’t something you could work productively towards.

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#3

Post by raleighm » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:24 PM UTC

I’m sure the folks you’ve engaged with here at HN over past 7 months would want you to call a crisis number. If you value HN enough to post here, do them/us that favor?

Not sure what country you’re in so: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#4

Post by erric » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:29 PM UTC

I don’t know about your situation, save what you have written here. I’m sure there are many aspects of your existence I won’t understand.

You say you’re not sad, angry or self-harming, however reading your post does give me pause to think that you may be in these states.

Is this a thought experiment? Do you have a plan? Do you have a date or time set?

If you do, please talk with someone about it.

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#5

Post by draw_down » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:59 PM UTC

I won’t insult you by posting a hotline number. There but for the grace of god go we all. This world is a very hard place to live in.

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#6

Post by raleighm » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 2:03 PM UTC

What type of work would you like to be doing? What do you feel is standing in your way? You mentioned your mom is the only person you know, does that mean you don't have many sounding-boards? The title indicates you want to do what’s rational. I do my worst thinking when I’m stuck in my own head. Path out usually emerges after speaking with others (as diverse as possible).

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#7

Post by codingdave » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 2:07 PM UTC

You are 100% depressed and self-injurious. Being calm and collected about it doesn't mean you aren't in those states. Call someone and get some help.

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#8

Post by robertpelloni » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 2:11 PM UTC

I lived in a parking lot for 3 years. I wish I would have just gotten a basic job in order to get an apartment to stabilize my mental health and bootstrap to something better. It really takes a toll on your emotions and ability to think clearly to not have any stability.

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#9

Post by kej » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 2:13 PM UTC

I don't know you or what your life is like, but I can tell you that I've been in a very similar mental place and I can tell you that your mind is lying to you right now.

Please seek help. There are lots of options and possibilities, but your brain is trying to convince you that those options don't exist.

Re: Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

#10

Post by dorfsmay » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 2:13 PM UTC

erric wrote: post #4

I don’t know about your situation, save what you have written here. I’m sure there are many aspects of your existence I won’t understand. You say you’re not sad, angry or self-harming, however reading your post does give me pause to think that you may be in these states. Is this a thought experiment? Do you have a plan? Do you have a date or time set? If you do, please talk with someone about it.

To OP: please call a crisis line.

Suicide is cutting out options. By living you still keep all options open, including suicide. So there is nothing to lose by delaying your decision.

I'm sure at least once in your life you've experienced people giving you ideas you had not thought about... Reach out to people, talk your situation though with people. Why not exploring other options?