Any regrets?
Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
1–10 of 42 posts
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#2I'm 30 and I have no regrets yet but the pressure is quite annoying...I guess that some people just want kinds, some don't and some want when it's too late. I hope I won't change my mind...
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#3I'm gay, so having biological children is out. Surrogacy is too legally complicated.
I considered adopting briefly, but the government is so unstable in the United States that I can easily imagine an adopted child of mine being taken away.
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#4For years I was passionate about not wanting children. I even got divorced because my ex-wife assumed I would change my mind after we got married.
Turns out wanting children is something I wanted. It just took meeting the right person to change my mind. My partner also was a never-breeder before we met.
Sometimes meeting the right person can change your outlook on life and future plans.
edit: spelling and grammar
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#5Maybe it has to do with my own childhood, but I've never felt the need to have children. In a sense, it's not a choice, I simply have no desire.
That being said, I like my life as it is and I don't see how it would be better with children. I can see how it would be worse though. I have a lot of freedom that I wouldn't have with kids.
Another reason for not having kids is that I'm an anxious person. I worry already a lot for no good reason, I imagine it would be worse if I had kids to worry about.
So far, I don't have any regrets. But it has been an issue with most of my ex-gfs who wanted kids...
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#6I'm gay, so having biological children is out. Surrogacy is too legally complicated. I considered adopting briefly, but the government is so unstable in the United States that I can easily imagine an adopted child of mine being taken away.
Sorry to hear. I can't tell from your answer--how much do you want kids? There's always the possibility of moving somewhere you feel is more stable
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#7I'm 30 and I have no regrets yet but the pressure is quite annoying...I guess that some people just want kinds, some don't and some want when it's too late. I hope I won't change my mind...
Pressure from family? Friends? Is this more keenly felt by women v men do you think?
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#8I'm in my mid-40's, and have yet to have any desire for children. My reasoning essentially has been that if I have children, they will either be like me, or not be like me. Neither of these outcomes encourages me.
If they are not like me --- well, I don't think there is any shortage of people in the world that are not like me. Further, I think that lowering the human population is the best thing we can do to prevent ecological collapse.
If they are like me, I fear that they too would be angry, depressed, ineffectual, and continually disappointed by the world. Reluctantly, I conclude that it's better for them (and probably the world) for them not to be, than to be like me.
(I'm sorry if this is an unhelpful answer. And while I'm unlikely to change my decision at this point, corrections to my logic would still be appreciated.)
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#9You should be asking the opposite question. Why does anyone choose to have children?
The answer as far as I can tell for most people is that they didn't actually choose after careful consideration of merits. They either just kinda felt like they wanted kids or were told that they needed to have kids or kids just kinda happened, or some combination of the three. But so much of the terrible part of having kids is hidden from potential parents that few people ever get to make a well-informed decision.
Have you ever looked at someone with young children? I mean really looked them in the eyes? They look miserable. Every single one of them. They deny it up down and sideways, but it's true except for rare brief moments. It's just that the rare joyful moments are they ones they remember because our brains suppress trauma. And it lasts for years; that miserable look doesn't go away until they've burned all of their youth. Do they love their children? Yes. Would they do anything for their children? Usually. And so would many pet owners. Are they proud of what their children grow into? Mmm...sometimes. Are they glad that they had children? Mmm...sometimes. Would they do it again if given the chance to turn back the clock? Mmm...sometimes. That's the dirty secret that you're not supposed to talk about.
Not having children makes everything less stressful, and by everything I mean literally every last little thing. Every single moment of every day of your entire life is cheaper and easier without children. Every decision you make involves fewer obligations. Want to DuoLingo for a couple months and then burn some cash and move to a foreign country for a while? Go for it. But good luck integrating an 8-year-old into elementary school on a one year tourist visa.
My mother and father had a bunch of amazing life adventure stories. None of them were from after I was born.
No regrets so far.
Re: Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?
#10I'm gay, so having biological children is out. Surrogacy is too legally complicated. I considered adopting briefly, but the government is so unstable in the United States that I can easily imagine an adopted child of mine being taken away.
Sorry to hear. I can't tell from your answer--how much do you want kids? There's always the possibility of moving somewhere you feel is more stable
It's not necessary.
I'm also an only child supporting my elderly parents, so moving away isn't really an option, unless things get handmaid's tale bad.