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Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

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Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#1
Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

This is a throwaway account.

I’ve been in a new company for 2 months now. I’m a developer and I’m being bullied by my Product Owner. I’m a direct to an Agile Coach and on top of us is the CTO. This is a tech company with around 70 employees and we are in Europe. The PO is a female and I’m a male.

On my first week, me and the PO had a disagreement during a Scrum Grooming. It wasn’t a big deal for me but it must have been a big deal for her. Since then I’ve been constantly questioned, bullied and I’m sure she bad mouthes me to the upper management and other senior people. I also know that she accuses me of being sexist (I’m a feminist and a LGBT rights activist). This week she screamed at me.

I know this person is perceived as aggressive by the rest of the company but she seems well integrated and she has a lot of pull with upper management. My team members are aware of the situation but they obviously don’t want to get involved.

I don’t discuss the situation with anyone with fear of being accused of trying to win them to my side. I only want the situation to go away. I’m afraid of complaining to my Agile Coach and/or HR because I don’t want the person in question to be confronted otherwise I think it will only make things worse for me.

I’m on a 6 months contract and I’m afraid this person will make sure I don’t get a full employment offer. I’ve been doing very well with my programming tasks so I know that’s not an issue.

I like the company and the paycheck is great. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I live in constant fear of upsetting her. What do I do?

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#2
As soon as this happens you should report it to HR, insure you reference any materials in the employee/contractor/company code of ethics, etc. There are more then likely laws that would also help resolve this issue too. So insure you report it to HR and call your city/state department of labor and ask away. They are paid to help you out just the same as the IRS or local state government will answer any tax questions you have if you are trying to run your own business.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#4
I'll tell you what worked for me:

I walked over the bully and told them to their face that I did not appreciate the way they were talking to me. That I will not accept or tolerate being treated the way they were attempting to treat me. I then wrote an email to their manager with what happened, copied the conversation that was had in chat and explained that we are adults and that behavior was not acceptable. Their manager had a talk with them and it hasn't happened again.

I was/am prepared to forward my communication to HR if the time comes where they try to bully again.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#5

If the actual work is going well, you can try working under someone else, in a different department, etc. Of course, no one should be treated like this in the workplace. However, it happens because the workplace can really suck.

I thought of it but I can't. I'm a very specific type of developer and our team is the only one where the role exists.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#6
Leaving is always an option.

Recognise that she is empowered by the organisation and you are not. Therefore, in your position, you will generally have to comply with what she wishes even if you feel it is wrong.

If you want to tough it out, I have a plan for you. Firstly, accept that your 'zone of influence' within the organisation is small. There are things that you can control and things that you can't control, and in your current situation there is not much you can control. Psychologically, what you can do is to choose not to be bothered by what you can't control. In other words, you can choose to abide by the maxim "Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get."

Also, you say you are in fear. Remind yourself that it is no big deal if she is upset, if you need to leave the company it is ok. You have nothing to lose. Try to see the humour of her overreactions. Of course, do not try to provoke her, but do it out of prudence rather than fear.

Remember, although you do not have much control within the organisation, you do have control over finding another job if you decide to do that.

Another thing I would do is arrange a short meeting with your report where you concisely outline the issue and how it is challenging you. This can be very difficult to do without causing more harm to the situation but it will help you if you raise the issue early. Keep the meeting short, you do not want to take up your boss's time with drama.

There are two key points you should make in the meeting. One is that the situation is challenging for you. You can literally say "I am challenged by this situation." Framing the situation in this way emphasises that you see it as a problem for yourself, not for the organisation, not for your boss and not for your PO. The second key point is to briefly outline what you will do to address the challenge. Generally this will mean focusing on your programming duties, being polite to your PO and being careful not to be a cause of conflict or distraction. Raising these two points will show your boss that you are being proactive about performing well in your job and addressing the interpersonal challenges of the workplace.

In this meeting you do not want your boss to go away thinking he should take action, such as disciplinary action or getting HR involved. Trust me, this would never go well for you. Therefore you should be careful not to create the impression in your boss that you would like him to take any action, you can also explicitly state that you don't want him to take action.

The purpose is to simply raise the issue and show that you are taking it on and dealing with it constructively. It opens a dialog with your boss about it. If your boss is a good boss you should be able to talk to him about challenges you are facing and not be afraid of him judging you unfairly, this is fundamental to a healthy relationship with your boss. Beyond this, having opened the dialog may help you in the future. For example, if at the end of the six months there are certain complaints raised that you can trace back to badmouthing by your PO, you can confidently and politely point that out. If you had never raised the issue of bulling prior to that time then you will have no credibility at all. Further, if the bulling reaches a level that you can no longer tolerate, you can go into a meeting stating that you've decided you need to leave the company. If your work has been good up until that point and your boss knows you've being trying to do the right thing, he may be able to move you to another project within the company. At the very least he will understand what's gone on and your resignation will not seem abrupt. Keep in mind it is quite possible he has no power to move you to another project to keep you away from the PO.

Good luck. Trust your instincts. If working for four more months and not getting extended seems like a waste of time you need to make that calculation for yourself and do what's best for your career.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#7
Here's a counter-argument, just in case you need it. Of course I have no idea what the actual situation is.

It was hard to find examples of things I'd consider bullying in your post. The only thing seemed to be being screamed at once, which I agree is unacceptable.

Everything else seemed explainable as you having had an early disagreement with someone senior to you that led them to initially question your competence, and perhaps assume you are arrogant; they're continuing to do that, perhaps also to people senior than both of you.

(You also mention something about how you can't be sexist because you're a feminist, which seems a weird thing to say. In my experience everyone's somewhat sexist, and the people you need to worry about the most are people who think they're immune to it.)

Switching to another team, talking to your Agile Coach, or even talking to the PO about it constructively all seem like decent ideas to me. But you could consider the possibility that you simply made a bad impression and haven't taken any concrete steps to improve your relationship with them, giving them the impression that you're uninterested in doing so.

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#8
post #7

Here's a counter-argument, just in case you need it. Of course I have no idea what the actual situation is. It was hard to find examples of things I'd consider bullying in your post. The only thing seemed to be being screamed at once, which I agree is unacceptable. Everything else seemed explainable as you having had an early disagreement with someone senior to you that led them to initially question your competence,…

It's not easy to defend yourself against sexist accusations, except that I have proof that I'm an activist and I've rallied for women rights and LGBT rights. Does it exclude the possibility of me being sexist? No, but it sure as hell keeps it at bay.

I do consider the possibility that I made a bad impression. In fact I'm well aware that was a mistake and I tried to fix it by making up for it in any way possible. But it has been 2 months now and it's not getting better so I'm running out of ideas but I appreciate your perspective and I agree with you in part.

Thanks for your input.

Edit: From your perspective how can I solve it?

Re: Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

#10

Leaving is always an option. Recognise that she is empowered by the organisation and you are not. Therefore, in your position, you will generally have to comply with what she wishes even if you feel it is wrong. If you want to tough it out, I have a plan for you. Firstly, accept that your 'zone of influence' within the organisation is small. There are things that you can control and things that you can't control, and…

Thank you. You comment was very valuable and validates most of my own thoughts about how to handle it from now onwards.
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