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Start doing more things alone

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Re: Start doing more things alone

#91

Post by jen729w »

pandler wrote: post #38

Interesting that this came up. Last weekend, I was at a coffee shop / bar type place with a friend and we got talking about body language. We started people watching and noticed two separate people in the place: both males, both alone. The first man, I decided, was waiting for someone and was very clearly uncomfortable with the idea that he was sitting alone in a public place. His right leg was shaking rapidly (my ri…

I'm often that second guy, and it's one of my favourite past-times.

My recipe:

1. Go out, 2. alone, 3. with a book, 4. and drink a glass of wine.

It never fails me. Often I don't even read the book - it's just a handy crutch. If you do tire of gazing slowly at the surroundings, reach for the book rather than your phone. Never pull out your phone.

It's amazing how many little conversations I have with passers-by, the staff at the cafe, the person sitting next to me, or, equally lovely, just nobody. I just look around. I absorb the world for half an hour without really having to be doing anything, and certainly not with anyone.

Re: Start doing more things alone

#92

Post by oska »

discreteevent wrote: post #25
pcurve wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is true... but you do end up making different kinds of memory on your solo trip. It may not be with your loved ones, but it may be with type of strangers that you may not have met. I went on a solo trip to Japan couple of years ago. Even though I had planned out the trip tightly, I ended up veering off course. For example, I was just strolling aroud one day, and saw a fellow solo tourist hop into a bike rental s…

Dervla Murphy (Irish solo travel writer, in her eighties now) has often expounded the value of travelling alone. Basically she says that if you travel with others it's a safe cocoon. But if you travel alone you end up observing much more and interacting much more with the culture and people you visit.

And this is a woman who went out of her way to avoid a 'safe cocoon'. Such as traveling up the Indus valley on donkey-back in the 1970s. She did it when she was a single mother and took her daughter, aged less than 10, along with her. Just the two of them.

Re: Start doing more things alone

#93

Post by bshimmin »

jen729w wrote: post #91
pandler wrote: post #38

Interesting that this came up. Last weekend, I was at a coffee shop / bar type place with a friend and we got talking about body language. We started people watching and noticed two separate people in the place: both males, both alone. The first man, I decided, was waiting for someone and was very clearly uncomfortable with the idea that he was sitting alone in a public place. His right leg was shaking rapidly (my ri…

I'm often that second guy, and it's one of my favourite past-times. My recipe: 1. Go out, 2. alone, 3. with a book, 4. and drink a glass of wine. It never fails me. Often I don't even read the book - it's just a handy crutch. If you do tire of gazing slowly at the surroundings, reach for the book rather than your phone. Never pull out your phone. It's amazing how many little conversations I have with passers-by, the…

I used to love doing this when I lived in Italy - sitting outside a café in beautiful weather watching the (often) beautiful people pass by, usually languorously struggling through an Italian newspaper and making occasional friendly small talk with the waiters. Now I live in the south west of England, let's just say I don't have so much occasion to do this (he says, staring out of the window at the steady drizzle falling in my office's car park).

Re: Start doing more things alone

#94

Post by rimantas »

a8da6b0c91d wrote: post #49
__z wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I gotta agree. I've tried doing all sorts of things alone and honestly it get really really old real fast.

Isn't the idea to go out alone and make new friends? You shouldn't have to go out alone tons. Just enough to meet new people.

It may be, but it should not. You can go alone for the purpose of making friends with yourself. I this is why, I think, lots of people prefer not to be alone: they are afraid of reflection. Or, god forbid, being alone in silence, without some loud music to deafen the voices you might hear. I see being alone as a kind of meditation.

Re: Start doing more things alone

#95

Post by mikecmpbll »

a8da6b0c91d wrote: post #49
__z wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I gotta agree. I've tried doing all sorts of things alone and honestly it get really really old real fast.

Isn't the idea to go out alone and make new friends? You shouldn't have to go out alone tons. Just enough to meet new people.

Yeah, I should've added the caveat that I'm not so good at that ;). Maybe this article is targeted at already outgoing types.

Re: Start doing more things alone

#96

Post by ownagefool »

thoman23 wrote: post #65
meric wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe he was alone, he went to buy a drink and came back to find his seat taken? I wouldn't be too surprised if leaving your jacket to claim a seat is a common practice among older generations. If I imagine the setting to be 50's/60's, and watched it in a movie, it would seem you were the assholes. At least offer him a space in the table to join you. Alas, this is the modern times, so my critique does not apply, it's…

TIL I am part of the "older generation". Kids today don't know to leave a jacket on a chair or movie theater seat to claim your territory? Regarding the original question, the couple that arrived early should have "claimed" the two empty chairs by placing jackets or some other items on them. Failing that, they should have been alert to the "older" man who put his jacket down on it and immediately stated that the seat…

On the other hand, it sucks when you can't get a seat in a half empty venue because everything is 'reserved'. Often myself and my girlfriend can spend a couple of hours somewhere standing, only to leave without these seats ever getting filled.

Re: Start doing more things alone

#97

Post by collyw »

startupfounder wrote: post #29

I would extend this and say start doing more things alone without technology. It's about building trust with yourself, believing in you to be able to not only survive any situation, but to thrive. We use people and technology as a social crutch and it limits our understanding of ourselves. I hitchhiked throughout New Zealand by myself when I was 18 for 6 months and although it was a little uncomfortable and even scar…

It amazed me recently in a trek in the Hymalayas, there were some younger trekers, listening to music on iPods / iPhones the whole way, plodding along, they didn't even seem to notice the spectacular scenery. I am assuming it was just another facebook post to them.

Re: Start doing more things alone

#98

Post by QuantumRoar »

misiti3780 wrote: post #73

I go out in NYC alone all the time, on weekends, for fun - Mostly I do it because my friends are doctors and cant go out because they are on call - I wish I would have realized much sooner how much fun you can actually have - at a bar, alone on a Saturday night in NYC I think there is a stigma attached going out alone though - I have random people ask me if I am alone and seem surprised by the answer. I do a lot of o…

> I think there is a stigma attached going out alone though - I have random people ask me if I am alone and seem surprised by the answer.

I've been doing things alone a lot since I moved to another city. And it really seems weird to the people I talk to.

"Are you waiting for someone?"

"No."

"Are you alone?"

"No. Look around. There are so many people here."

I think the article is quite correct with the spot light theory. People are way too concerned about what others might think. So it actually seems to be a good thing that I mostly don't care about that.

One downside for me is that – I asked a random stranger about that – it seems I don't look approachable. She said, it seemed to her that she needed to say something smart to me rather than just asking me if I want to have a drink with her. I haven't figured out what the reason is but I would really like to change that.

Re: Start doing more things alone

#99

Post by paganel »

alashley wrote: post #17

I get the premise of the article, but not sure I entirely agree. A week or so ago I went to a live music show at a pub, I got up for a minute to go to the washroom, and when I came back someone was taking my chair from the table. Not such a good feeling. Stuff like this happens sometimes when people go to restaurants alone, I guess. Maybe the important thing is to do things alone if necessary, but try to form connect…

> Not such a good feeling. Stuff like this happens sometimes when people go to restaurants alone, I guess.

I go alone at restaurants pretty often, and what you described (more or less) only happened to me once: after I had finished my meal I went to the restroom. When I returned I found out that the book I had left on the table was no longer there. I asked the waiter about it (this was a fancy restaurant, where I go once in a blue moon), and he told me that the Italian tourists from the table next to me (some self-important shmucks) had told him that I had gone away for good, without paying.

Anyway, other than that eating out alone is pretty nice. I generally have issues with eating food in front of other people while talking and socializing (apart from very close people, like family or SO), so in this way I can eat whatever I like at whatever pace I want. Plus, I have like 4-5 or restaurants to which I go pretty often and is always nice to see that the people from there know you pretty well. May be because of the larger than average tips I leave at the end, or because they feel that I look strange eating out alone :), I wouldn't know, is nice all the same.

And about your relatives' piece of advice: In general is true, but is way, way harder when you find out that you are (and have been, for some time) alone by yourself even though you had been surrounded by all sorts of nice people who supposedly should have cared for you (family, close friends, SO etc).

Re: Start doing more things alone

#100

Post by collyw »

throwaway1213 wrote: post #56
rybosome wrote: post #43

Halfway into my fourth year in college, I developed a major funk that led to me failing several classes. My dad took me out to lunch one day for a "what are you doing with your life?" talk. He had been very strict about schoolwork and grades when I was younger (and throughout much of my college career), so I was expecting to be badgered and threatened with his vision of my bleak future if I didn't turn things around.…

I've found myself in a similar situation, I think. I'd like to do some travelling but I find myself getting hung up on money and overall I just don't know what I would spend my time doing. What did you do once you arrived in a town or city? I really would love to have an idea of what one would do in a situation like that.

What do you enjoy doing? Treking, art, history? Go somewhere that has something that interests you.

I always used to take a Lonely Planet guide, and look for a cheapish hostel recommended there. There will usually be a few people in similar situations. Hang about in the common room (don't use a laptop, or mobile phone), and speak to people. Ask people if they fancy sharing a beer. They will have things that they have seen, and have loads of recommendations for you. If that doesn't work out, book on a group tour.

Its pretty easy to meet people if you put in the tiniest bit of effort.

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