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Be Kind

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Re: Be Kind

#91

Post by gnaritas »

serve_yay wrote: post #85
mankyd wrote: post #4

I really like these two paragraphs towards the end: Being kind isn’t the same as being nice. It isn’t about superficial praise. It doesn’t mean dulling your opinions. And it shouldn’t diminish the passion with which you present them. Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence af…

Of course it costs nothing to address people in a way that they feel comfortable with, so you should do it. But, in a Postel's law sort of way, in terms of critiquing argument I don't think it's worth dwelling on the tone. Two plus two is four no matter how many times the person arguing it uses the word "fuck", to put it crudely. And often, addressing tone is a way of eliding real argumentation.

> Of course it costs nothing to address people in a way that they feel comfortable with, so you should do it.

It doesn't cost nothing, it's costs a lot of time and attention to find out what they're comfortable with and much attention to filter yourself to to fit that, so no you shouldn't just do it without a good reason.

Re: Be Kind

#93

Post by fsk »

I had a completely different interpretation of the incident at Facebook.

He had developed some key features that were now important. Instead of mentoring him to work better with others, his boss demoted him.

The boss was giving someone else a favor, making them the lead of this now-important project, some up-and-coming hotshot. He made up an excuse about "bad attitude", while just using it as cover for backstabbing him.

The OP probably had big $$$ in unvested options, so he had to play along and play nice, instead of quitting on the spot.

Re: Be Kind

#94

Post by gnaritas »

Nadya wrote: post #83
roflc0ptic wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Based off of my vague memory, in "How To Win Friends and Influence People", one main point is not to contradict people. In text or in person, never tell someone they're wrong. In general, when I want to correct someone's understanding I frame it as a failure of my own understanding. Like, hey, I'm the asshole here, would you do me a favor by going over this one more time for me? This is great because it allows the ot…

I rather liked that book and want to disagree with many of the points it tries to make, but find myself choosing not to. It is not economically or socially beneficial for me to be as blunt as I am - but my personal morality triumphs over both of those. If someone is wrong, they are wrong and I will let them know they are wrong. It won't win me any friends and it isn't beneficial for me to be as blunt as I am - but I…

I feel the same as you, but I'm come to realize most people have a deep seated need to be win friends even at the cost of being right. Your response, like my own, is very Aspie.

Re: Be Kind

#95

Post by slvv »

teekert wrote: post #67
drzaiusapelord wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To be fair, this is also incredibly exhausting. Most peoples' reactions to things are arbitrary at best and constant worrying about how they will take something is just way too much BS to put into my day. I bought pretty deeply into this philosophy once and it just made me neurotic and quiet at a time of my life where those things very much hurt me. I think being selectively kind makes a lot more sense. I'm kind to c…

So you are two persons, your work person and your home person. Sounds very exhausting to me. "C'est le ton qui fait la musique". I'm sorry for you that you have to deal with a lot of shit but 4 hours of yoga (this is exaggerated of course) is not so much if you have an 8 hours sleep, 8 hours work, 8 hours relax schedule. It seems to me you need to change some things in your life. And then you can also be a nice perso…

YES - thank you for pointing out the negative use of soccer mom. Unpaid caring and emotional work matters!

Re: Be Kind

#96

Post by anon012012 »

themodelplumber wrote: post #64
baby wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is exactly why smileys were born. But some people tend to be elitist and frown upon them. :)

> But some people tend to be elitist and frown upon them. :) That may be due to the fact that the little smile at the end of a sentence can look really self-satisfied or fake. Especially if you were to dismiss any complainers by calling them elitists, and afterward tack a smile on the end of the sentence. Here, I'm being nice too! :) :) :)

This is why I use :3

It makes me look stupid, so it can only be a sincere smile. Or maybe I'm just stupid... Well to be fair, we're discussing the psychology of smileys.

I have a theory about ":)", that people use it when there's a discrepancy between what they say and what they think, through the same mechanism of humor (which is also about discrepancies). And so in general, I don't trust people who use it strangely. But now, they're all going to use :3... We're doomed.

Re: Be Kind

#97

Post by TillE »

vijayr wrote: post #86
eclipxe wrote: post #14

The best manager I ever had (and continues to be my inspiration today) was also one of the kindest, genuine, and empowering people I've ever met. Not necessarily nice, but kind. The worst manager I ever had once told me "you're too kind to your team". He wore his ability to bring fear to a room like a badge of honor. I never worked harder and more passionately than under the first and I never felt more apathetic and…

Not disagreeing with you, but there are also leaders like Jobs, Gates, Ellison etc. How come they are able to get amazing results, while being really nasty to their people?

Sheer charisma? Also, different people respond better to different kinds of leadership and motivation. This gets talked about a lot in the context of coaches of professional sports teams.

When you're running a business, you can probably afford to be a jerk as long as the small group of people closest to you can tolerate it.

Re: Be Kind

#98

Post by andrewstuart »

consptheorist wrote: post #92
[deleted] wrote: post #84

[deleted]

I'm 100% logical/analytical with machines and 100% emotional/manipulative with people.

It's not in your interests to be manipulative. People know when they are being manipulated, or they figure it out later and relationship rapidly goes out the window. You don't need to be manipulative with people to get what you want.

Re: Be Kind

#99

Post by 6502nerdface »

vijayr wrote: post #80
mankyd wrote: post #4

I really like these two paragraphs towards the end: Being kind isn’t the same as being nice. It isn’t about superficial praise. It doesn’t mean dulling your opinions. And it shouldn’t diminish the passion with which you present them. Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence af…

This is very evident in the styles people do interviews. For example, Bill O'Reilly is loud, calls names etc when his guests disagree with him - to the point that some of his conversations end up being loud shouting matches and the only thing left to do (as a viewer) is to turn it off. Jon Stewart on the other hand - he disagrees with his guests in a kind, calm and funny manner - it is interesting to watch him and hi…

Unfortunately some claim [1] that if Jon Stewart really disagrees with you, he has no qualms against using editing tricks and false pretenses to make you look foolish and stupid.

[1] http://www.bloombergview.com/articles/2014-09-23/don-t-ever-...

Re: Be Kind

#100

Post by consptheorist »

andrewstuart wrote: post #98
consptheorist wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm 100% logical/analytical with machines and 100% emotional/manipulative with people.

It's not in your interests to be manipulative. People know when they are being manipulated, or they figure it out later and relationship rapidly goes out the window. You don't need to be manipulative with people to get what you want.

A realist here, I'm manipulative only with my foes. My friends and love interests I value them tremendously and I don't resort to such measures when dealing with them.
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