How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

Before I go on to list the tips, here's something I learned from having been in a psychotherapie myself (different reasons, though): Be absolutely clear that the investments your have to do (overcoming your angst) are huge, and wil only slowly diminish. You will need to force yourself to action.

Now here's some things I gathered:

* Being good at social interactions is a skill that needs to be trained. Remember how long it took to become a hacker? And how bad you were at first at it? Same thing with talking to strangers. However, while hacking awful code can still be a rewarding experience, having an awkward conversation is probably not. Try and work on that first: Every time you've managed to start a conversation, regardless where, with whom or how it went, reward yourself (think about how fucking hard it was to do it, and you dit it! Also, probably none of the bad things you imagined happened). As important: Do it consistently (yes, standard time management techniques help).

* Maximize your exposure to other people. Join a choir (even if you can't sing – this is a great place to learn it), learn sports (martial arts seem to be popular with nerds), or join some other club. There are other great tips here. It's OK if it takes time to make friends – use the regular sessions to practice casual conversation.

* Experiment with drinking a little (like beer or wine), when you go out. I know, this really sounds like bad advice, but it helps for quite a lot of people I know. Avoid being drunk, however! Generally, avoid drinking if you want to talk to girls, especially if you are not used it. Sober you might be shy (not a bad thing per se, can be really sweet), drunk you risk to appear creepy.

* I heavily suggest not trying to change your looks, or you body language, or anything superficial, based on what you think makes you appear more confident. It won't change anything relevant. Moreover, I havent't met a single socially awkward person who was able to pull this off (trying to appear confident). Try to feel natural, even if you can't always feel comfortable.

* Practice your English skills in conversation. There's no other way to become fluent (I'm not a native English speaker myself, and my English is OK at best, but it's enough). Try to remember phrases of other people you liked. Generally, people don't care if your English isn't perfect, but I know from experience (in more than one language): The better you know the language, the safer you feel in a conversation.

* Best tip I read here on HN: Care about other people.

But: If you feel that this is all too much at your stage, and if you keep re-iterating destructive thoughts, I recommend seeking therapy. _Rational emotive behavior therapy_ has been shown to help[2]. Group therapy might be an alternative to regular psycotherapy sessions.

BTW: Congratulations! Starting a thread on HN was a great idea. You'll need determination and willpower, but you're off to a good start.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_thera... [2] http://www.jiaap.org/Listing_Detail/Logo/ba65b0f5-6158-4c3d-...

When I was living in the US, it was quite hard for me to make american friends. Probably because of the language barrier, and also because the "natives" don't feel the urge to make new friends as they have groups of friends already.

On the other hand, it was much easier to bond with other foreigners, especially people from my country or with similar culture. At least as a starting point, I think your best bet would be to find other asians who you could relate to.

Besides that, just taking place in various activities will eventually help you to make friend (but it can take time). But not all activities are equal for that matter so you may need to try a few ones. For instance, I was in a swimming club where people barely talk to each other. And in a boxing class where I made a bunch of diverse friends.

As for meeting women, online dating is the way to go I suppose. Living in New York, i was very surprised how easy it was. Actually, I found it much easier to find girlfriends than friends.