I thought this article was about not being desirable in the job market for some terrible fact or harsh truth. Instead I was greeted with a fluffy article. I'm question the value of this article on HN.
So You’re Not Desirable
91–100 of 140 posts
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#92Earlier quoted context omitted.
Always good to keep in mind when this kinda "evo-psych" stuff is brought up: http://www.publicaffairs.ubc.ca/2010/06/30/mr-10-09/
evo-psych needs studies? It seems more that the armchair evo-psych people have just decided on a set of axioms beforehand that sound sufficiently "common sense" and are making deductions based on that.
> It seems more that the armchair evo-psych people have just decided on a set of axioms beforehand that sound sufficiently "common sense" and are making deductions based on that.
You mean they're using their knowledge of humanity to make testable hypotheses to test and refine their implicit theories?
Say it ain't so!
Forgive the snark but armchair dismissal of evolutionary psychology from people who have never read an intro psychology textbook.
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#93Earlier quoted context omitted.
It is true, and it's caused for evolutionary reasons. When people have sex, the woman is in a much more dangerous place than a man. Having a baby for a woman is very costly. She needs someone to protect her while it happens and to help raise the child. The cost for a man is very low. He only needs a couple minutes to do his part in making a baby, then he can leave at any time. So with that in mind, lets say the scena…
"Having a baby for a woman is very costly. She needs someone to protect her while it happens and to help raise the child." UK has a generous protection for single mother and it completely messed up traditional marriage institution.
You are probably being down voted for the political/ideological implications of your comment.
But your are pointing to a very interesting phenomena that is worth understanding.
I ideologically favor having a strong social safety net. But we do need to understand what are the unintended consequences.
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#94I find it hard to grasp the concept of charisma. Its definition seems to be vague and highly subjective. It was mentioned in this article like it was something very specific. My pet peeve I guess.
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#95>In a related study of approximately 350 heterosexual individuals, we collected these same measures in networks of opposite-sex friends, acquaintances and partners. Among these well-acquainted individuals, consensus on measures of mate value was nearly zero. These are the people who know what authors you like, what you wore for Halloween six years ago and what obscure movie you will quote the next time you all get to…
"Friend zone" means that she is not attracted into the guy. She might respect him, like him, find him pleasant and still not see him as potential romantic partner. She can even find him attractively looking and still not find him as a potential boyfriend. Some boys tend to think it is going to change if they do enough services or help her a lot of whatever. It does not work that way. If you need to work hard on her,…
I believe the woman knows that he is into her. And she enjoys the attentions without having to commit. It is a very comfortable position. It remains an asymmetric relationship as long as the friend zoned allows it.
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#96Earlier quoted context omitted.
now that you mentioned it.. I remember a psychology course I took in college just a while ago mentioned that, female's evaluation of attractiveness is greatly affected by knowing the person's financial state/personality/social status etc. While male's evaluation of attractiveness is less affected by other factors. Not sure how true this theory is..
It is true, and it's caused for evolutionary reasons. When people have sex, the woman is in a much more dangerous place than a man. Having a baby for a woman is very costly. She needs someone to protect her while it happens and to help raise the child. The cost for a man is very low. He only needs a couple minutes to do his part in making a baby, then he can leave at any time. So with that in mind, lets say the scena…
I've heard some of those arguments to explain cheating; women marries a 'provider', and has sex on the side with a genetically superior men, so she has a win-win situation for her babies.
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#97Earlier quoted context omitted.
Firstly, this is a problem I'm not sure is very common - I'm guessing most people do hang out around members of the opposite sex, at work, with friends, etc. Second, for your specific situation - you say you have a problem. But it's a very solvable one. Find places to hang out with members of the opposite sex. This can be anything from going to specific classes that have women in them and that you also enjoy (e.g. dr…
Any sort of dancing is usually a good option.
And the Bay Area has a really good social dancing community - Swing, Salsa, etc. I am in Atlanta, which also has a good dance community.
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#98I'm not sure how this is helpful. I've known I'm personally more attracted to personality than looks. That's not the problem. The problem is it's hard (at least for me) to get the opportunity to be around members of the opposite sex long enough for them to see my "uniqueness" Personal examples. My last job of 5 years had 100 people on my floor only 2 of which were women. My friends are generally all geeks who have no…
Firstly, this is a problem I'm not sure is very common - I'm guessing most people do hang out around members of the opposite sex, at work, with friends, etc. Second, for your specific situation - you say you have a problem. But it's a very solvable one. Find places to hang out with members of the opposite sex. This can be anything from going to specific classes that have women in them and that you also enjoy (e.g. dr…
I used to think the same, then I tried to actually get into environments with a more balanced gender ratio, and I realized that actually I was not faring any better than before. Apparently I have low desirability and have few unique appeals/provoke low unique reactions.
At the end, it's inevitable: even if just by mere chance, someone _has_ to be in the lower 5% of people who get the least successful interactions with the other gender.
(Anyhow, his problem seems very common to me, but obviously my POW is skewed, since I got to know most of my friends in one of these place with unbalanced gender ratio in the first place)
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#99The article makes a good case for "when they get to know you, some of them will fall for you." When I was still young and at least somewhat cute, I remarked to a friend how depressing it was that women always go for rich and arrogant men. My friend's reply absolutely changed my perspective on this: by choosing socially well-accepted and successful men they actually place a lot more emphasis on the inner values than m…
Being rich is an inner value? I have the impression that how much being rich has to do with your own will is still not decided. If anything, social mobility has been shown to be very overrated in recent years. And then one can ask, how much did that one person striking millions have to do with ingenuity, and how much was it just being at the right place and time (lucking out)? One could say that, 'in a very real sens…
>Being rich is an inner value? I have the impression that how much being rich has to do with your own will is still not decided.
Maybe, but that's still more "inner value" that how big your breasts are etc.
Re: So You’re Not Desirable
#100Earlier quoted context omitted.
Firstly, this is a problem I'm not sure is very common - I'm guessing most people do hang out around members of the opposite sex, at work, with friends, etc. Second, for your specific situation - you say you have a problem. But it's a very solvable one. Find places to hang out with members of the opposite sex. This can be anything from going to specific classes that have women in them and that you also enjoy (e.g. dr…
I used to think the same, then I tried to actually get into environments with a more balanced gender ratio, and I realized that actually I was not faring any better than before. Apparently I have low desirability and have few unique appeals/provoke low unique reactions. At the end, it's inevitable: even if just by mere chance, someone _has_ to be in the lower 5% of people who get the least successful interactions wit…
Someone has to be in the lower 5%, it's true. But it doesn't have to be you or the parent.
It's absolutely true that the skills to make yourself seem more desirable are "learnable" skills. They also happen to correlate pretty highly with plenty of other important skills, like making better friendships in general, succeeding more in business, succeeding more in other spheres of life, etc.
That's because most of the things you need to improve to be more desirable is: a) make yourself actually more desirable, usually by doing interesting things/etc., and b) make yourself a better marketer, who knows how to actually show that you're more desirable, in a way that doesn't turn people off.
I really recommend you and anyone else who has trouble "attracting" the opposite sex, read any of the Pick Up Artist material that's out there. Don't fall too in love with the "world of PUA", and don't take it too seriously, but do read it and practice it. It will really improve your life, and not just in dating.