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How to stop being boring

joanwestenberg.com

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Re: How to stop being boring

#91

Post by lotsofpulp »

Tade0 wrote: post #78
dbspin wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Truth is, once youth passes, over time people become increasingly disinterested in others. I find almost exactly the opposite is true. As you age your perceived value lessens, while you find the nuances of human behaviour ever more fascinating. Meanwhile many of the current cohort of twenty somethings seem disinterested in everything, including one another.

I would extend that to thirty somethings, so my generation as well. Over time most of the people this age in my extended social circle kind of... faded. I don't know what caused this but I find myself increasingly socialising with younger people because they still haven't retreated to the comfort of their "me time" activities.

In the US, I think that not doing the boring thing, which is spending time during 20s working or studying for a handful of career paths, climbing up the career ladder, saving up for downpayment for land in the richer areas of a handful of expensive cities, etc comes with huge costs.

The cost is that when you are 40 and you either have stable finances such that you can provide your kids with an acceptable amount of healthcare and education and housing stability, and you will be able to retire, or you get to 40 and you have to start sacrificing the goal of raising kids within the aforementioned parameters.

Maybe that is how it always was, it just wasn't a "known" thing so people didn't incorporate it into the decision making when they were 20.

Re: How to stop being boring

#92

Post by PaulHoule »

CuriouslyC wrote: post #46
raw_anon_1111 wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife and I live above a bar frequented by tourists and the bartender is a friend of mine. When it isn’t busy, I’ll usually go down there order a soda and just talk to whoever shows up. The easy opener once the conversation starts is “what keeps you busy?” and keep the conversation going. This lets them talk about work, family, hobbies or whatever else they like to talk about I read a book that said you should try…

> There is no way for a 50 year old married guy to talk to a woman alone at the bar without coming off like a creep. Not true. You have to engage in a way that signals very clearly you don't really give much of a shit about talking to her, and your social status is higher than hers. For example, if you're having a conversation with your bartender friend and you need a female perspective to settle a disagreement, and…

I am not big into going to bars but I'd say post-50 I have no problem talking to women and not being a "creep". Somehow I am really avuncular and rarely perceived a sexual threat. When I was younger I had more of that problem and was intimidated by beautiful people, a month ago I shook hands with a former Miss America.

Attraction does sometimes come up with women who are 10 years younger than me but otherwise I think it is a non-issue.

Re: How to stop being boring

#93

Post by raw_anon_1111 »

PaulHoule wrote: post #92
CuriouslyC wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There is no way for a 50 year old married guy to talk to a woman alone at the bar without coming off like a creep. Not true. You have to engage in a way that signals very clearly you don't really give much of a shit about talking to her, and your social status is higher than hers. For example, if you're having a conversation with your bartender friend and you need a female perspective to settle a disagreement, and…

I am not big into going to bars but I'd say post-50 I have no problem talking to women and not being a "creep". Somehow I am really avuncular and rarely perceived a sexual threat. When I was younger I had more of that problem and was intimidated by beautiful people, a month ago I shook hands with a former Miss America. Attraction does sometimes come up with women who are 10 years younger than me but otherwise I think…

I am not either for the most part by myself. It just so happens that I live in a vacation area where my wife and I are the only permanent residence of a condotel (https://www.investopedia.com/terms/c/condotel.asp). I go down to hang out with the bartender. It’s mostly guys and couples getting away from their kids after spending all day at the parks (Orlando).

The bar is literally downstairs from where we live.

My wife and I also usually sit at the bar when we go somewhere and just talk to people whenever we go out.

Re: How to stop being boring

#94

Post by miladyincontrol »

Being "weird" is fine, but a lot of people dont know how to be normal about being "weird". When it feels like theres walls of perpetual irony to one's personality or embarrassment of one's own interests it rarely bodes well.

Doesn't mean you have to reveal every single interest, just have a little confidence towards the ones that do, whether or not you misread and how they land.

Re: How to stop being boring

#95

Post by m463 »

Tade0 wrote: post #31

> They're saying what they actually think and wearing what they actually like, pursuing hobbies that genuinely fascinate them, regardless of whether those hobbies are cool. Joke's on you, OP - even being like that you'll still find people who think you're boring because it's subjective. Truth is, once youth passes, over time people become increasingly disinterested in others. This effect was exacerbated by the recent…

> over time people become increasingly disinterested in others

I think it is smartphones.

Re: How to stop being boring

#96

Post by m463 »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #49

I've been talking to my therapist about something similar - masking, as someone else in the comments mentioned. And one thing that I've been thinking about as a result is that I don't owe anyone my authentic self. Asking me to reveal more things about myself is asking a hell of a lot, actually. So maybe I'm boring on purpose, because I don't want to get into an argument with a random parent on the playground, or a ra…

> I don't owe anyone my authentic self.

that makes sense, since to be authentic, you need to be vulnerable.

Maybe what the article means is not so much to bring up something deeply personal, but to show a unique part of yourself.

I remember a guy came to work on my heating system and while he was wrapping up, somehow he told me he liked slot machines. That led to a 15 minute discussion about them. Next he told me his wife let him keep 6 of them in his living room and he showed me pictures.

I think that was not revealing too much personal stuff, but an enthusiasm for something that added life to the conversation.

So maybe carefully think of things you can reveal that make you who you are, without pulling back the curtain completely.

Re: How to stop being boring

#97

Post by raw_anon_1111 »

FuckButtons wrote: post #89
zug_zug wrote: post #16

I'd lump this in with so much other inspirational advice (e.g. "Dance like nobody is watching! Love like you've never been hurt!") that is well-intended but hugely impractical. I think there are finely-tuned social algorithms that we innately follow. For example when meeting somebody we often perform the progressive self-disclosure algorithm in an attempt to find mutual talking points, so maybe yeah you say that you'…

> I think there are finely-tuned social algorithms that we innately follow. That would explain why I can’t do small talk, those are not innate to everyone.

Wasn’t to me either. It’s a learned skill that you can study and practice. I am only child. About a decade ago I saw one of two ways to make above my 2nd tier city enterprise dev wages - about $150K - either “grind leetCode and work for a FAANG” (r/cscareerquestions) or go into customer facing consulting where I would be required to do the business dinners and small talk.

I chose the latter. At 45+, there is no age discrimination in consulting - I still do hands on keyboard coding + cloud. Even before I got into consulting (working full time for consulting companies), I had roles inside companies where I interviewed with new to company directors/CTOs who were looking for someone who could get things done not reversing a b tree on the whiteboard. I had to learn how to talk. I haven’t had a coding interview since 2012 and I’ve worked for 6 companies since then

Re: How to stop being boring

#98

Post by SkyeCA »

soulofmischief wrote: post #68
parpfish wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If I meet somebody that immediately skips the progressive self-disclosure small talk and jumps right in to a big discussion… I’m going to withdraw. Even if I agree with everything you’re saying, it comes off as aggressive. like youre trying to speed run forming a relationship by skipping the small talk

No, I'm just not going to progressively disclose my nature. I'm just going to be myself, regardless of how others in my environment might react. I can field the small talk, several of my friends have commented on my ability to break the ice quickly with strangers. But after a minute or two, the conversation is either over or we're moving onto more interesting discussions. Come to one of the conservative towns I grew…

You don't sound like someone I'd like to speak with even if we might agree on things. You writing has a very aggressive tone to it for no reason.

I'll be honest if someone tries to get into politics and other such things very soon after I start speaking to them it really puts me off. I might not disengage right away, but I'll probably never choose to speak with them again.

Re: How to stop being boring

#99

Post by deafpolygon »

I don’t edit who I am. I simply stopped sharing any parts of myself with people I don’t know, preferring to keep things to business most of the time. I’m insanely weird, by most people’s definition of weird, and I’m okay with that. I just don’t need reactions while I’m conducting my daily business. It’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Re: How to stop being boring

#100

Post by bsoles »

People who are normally perceived as non-boring (like talkative, outgoing, friendly-by-default people) are usually insufferable for me.

People who are initially perceived as boring (like quiet, introspective, focused people) are more fascinating if you can get through to them. Unfortunately, I have no such skills...

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