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How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

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Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#91
post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was like this several years ago myself, the key is in being humble whilst still being argumentative without sounding like a wanker - it's possible!

Tis' a fine line! I throw in plenty of humble statements as I like to think the only thing I really know is that I know nothing (though this makes me want to learn more, question more). I also throw in bits and pieces of random things I've studied and hope the other person doesn't just find it interesting for a moment but rather goes home thinking about it. Of course, possible they don't find it interesting at all an…

Indeed it is a fine line, but there is plenty of things you can learn along the way to make that line a little less fine until it gets to the point that the line might not even exist anymore!

Give yourself some credit, you know stuff, and you can know even more if you want to :-)

That is what self growth is all about after all!

I find that having an understanding of human psychology is a critical step towards being effective with this kind of stuff, because it helps you work through the psychology of other people for a common goal (ie, a random conversation with a stranger, job interview, speech, etc).

Without it, your flying blind. When I was younger and flying blind it cost me a number of futures I will never see now.

Humbleness can come off as exploitable and dumb, just as much as it can come off as being intelligent, it's not just what you say, it's also how you say it!

Safe journeys!

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#92
post #47

Is that what you really want? To me it's just promoting the manipulation of other people. Because hey, it's a skill so it's ok. Doesn't it bother you? To know that the person you are talking to, is mirroring your emotions, or offering sympathy, to manipulate you into liking them? I very much prefer the Aspergers-like honesty. I would rather hear 9 harsh, blunt, honest criticisms a day and 1 genuine complement than to…

But is someone telling you their exact feelings at that moment really honesty? If everyone were completely honest with each other, the world would be a vastly different place. Let's say you invite a co-worker out to lunch. He doesn't like you. He could either say, "I don't like you," or "I'm busy." In your world, he would be straightforward about his feelings and tell you he doesn't like you. This kind of communicati…

What you are describing is more of a white lie because you were put into the situation.

You might say I'm busy because telling that person you don't like them has no benefit for either of you, you're gonna have to work with each other and yes that would make things more unpleasant than it had to be.

That I think is very different from actively making an effort to manipulate others for your own gain. It is almost suggesting that you give up your own taste and personality so that you can match with as many people as possible.

This is very strongly evident in the western culture. I can sense it because I'm from a different place where there is no concept of "popularity" or "coolness" unlike what you constantly see in the west through movies and media.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I do find it interesting that we ask Aspies to become more empathetic, but we don't ask neurotipicals to become a little less hung up on social niceties. Obviously, neurotypicals get the benefit of the doubt for "how people should be", since there are so many more of them. But we don't ask gays to be straight, despite not being "normal", numerically, so why should we ask Aspies to be more empathetic? Why assume an As…

Wikipedia describes Asperger's as a "pervasive developmental disorder", characterised by "significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests" and also often "physical clumsiness and atypical use of language." This description, along with my impression of how people with the condition function in life, brings to my mind an image of people who are soci…

>Basically, my impression of Asperger's sufferers is that they lack the social insight and intuition to succeed in the real world.

Or, phrased a different way, they seem to be incapable (or uninterested in) tricking and manipulating their fellow man simply for their own benefit, regardless of the detriment to others.

>They do okay in carefully-constructed bubbles with interesting non-human toys and machines to play with.

Or phrased a different way, they help mankind progress by focusing on the physical world, solving problems and creating tools... rather than attempting to gain benefits for themselves by manipulating and suckering other humans in a series of "con artist" games.

>But they can't cope with normal human beings.

Or, again viewed from a different angle -- they have difficulty dealing with (to them) unpredictable,lying, manipulative, socio-parasitic people.

>Additionally, your characterisation of normal human beings as too dumb and clueless to resist mindless games is... rather crude I think. You sound bitter.

Or there is the possibility of the opposite view -- that it is YOU who are more than a bit 'bitter' -- technology is largely a black-box puzzle to you, so you allow others to deal with it, and instead concentrate on parasitic (people manipulation) means of satisfying your needs and wants.

And then you justify this by denigrating those who deal with (and advance) technology in ways that you cannot.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#94
post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It really is a learnable skill! ... We've just forgotten the habit as a society of teaching it to our children. I think that's a hasty generalization. Some people are merely introverted, and can improve their social intelligence through everyday practice. Others, however, actually have a neurological condition (i.e. Asperger's Syndrome, which the article mentions). At least for some subset of them, "social intellig…

I do find it interesting that we ask Aspies to become more empathetic, but we don't ask neurotipicals to become a little less hung up on social niceties. Obviously, neurotypicals get the benefit of the doubt for "how people should be", since there are so many more of them. But we don't ask gays to be straight, despite not being "normal", numerically, so why should we ask Aspies to be more empathetic? Why assume an As…

>I can't help but wonder that the future might not actually belong to neurotypicals. That, perhaps, the Aspie mutation might be better adapted to a world that is becoming more and more computerized and less and less hospitable to neurotypicals.

This will ENTIRELY depend on who out-reproduces the other.

>Neurotypicals seem to think Aspies have "anti-social" lives, but those I've met seem pretty happy.

But not necessarily reproductively successful.

>When will a critical mass of Aspies exist, or the world become hospitable to them despite not having to pretend to be neurotypicals?

Quite probably the opposite will happen (has happened, and is happening).

In a very ironic/paradoxical sense, it is the "Aspies" (people who have historically "obsessed" over machinery, technology and the physical world -- to the detriment of their own sexual reproduction) who have enabled the technophobes to successfully increase in numbers far beyond what they were capable of before. When human reproductive choices were far more limited (because travel was limited, total number of human interactions were limited, technology spread/scaling was limited, etc) then the anti-social (a-social? under-social?) Aspie types still had a chance to reproduce in sufficient numbers such as to pass on their genes. In addition, at previous levels of technology access to information/tools essentially required interaction with other human beings (to a far larger degree than with current technology).

The modern world -- with everything from antibiotics to automobiles & jet airplanes -- has led to humans having wider circles, to the greater marginalization of Aspie types; and recent technology (especially the internet) has facilitated a self-withdrawal of more and more Aspies; such that more and more of them are likely to be genetic dead-ends.

Ergo the chances of Aspies reaching some "critical mass" is not only highly unlikely, it is improbable.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wikipedia describes Asperger's as a "pervasive developmental disorder", characterised by "significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests" and also often "physical clumsiness and atypical use of language." This description, along with my impression of how people with the condition function in life, brings to my mind an image of people who are soci…

>Basically, my impression of Asperger's sufferers is that they lack the social insight and intuition to succeed in the real world. Or, phrased a different way, they seem to be incapable (or uninterested in) tricking and manipulating their fellow man simply for their own benefit, regardless of the detriment to others. >They do okay in carefully-constructed bubbles with interesting non-human toys and machines to play w…

Hmm. I appreciate the strength of your feelings. That said I disagree with you on a couple of points here.

Before I explain my thinking though, I first want to apologise if I came across as overly dismissive of people with Asperger's in my last post. I assure you that was not my intention. I do not intend to attack or criticise. Seriously. I have nothing against people with Asperger's - I find the whole notion that there is or should be some sort of conflict between neurotypicals and people with Asperger's baffling. I feel sympathy for people with Asperger's just as I feel sympathy for all human beings, especially so because it seems like people with Asperger's have a pretty hard time of life in a lot of areas.

>they seem to be incapable (or uninterested in) tricking and manipulating their fellow man simply for their own benefit, regardless of the detriment to others.

>Unpredictable, lying, manipulative, socio-parasitic people.

I will try and summarise what you seem to be suggesting: the world is a seething mass of deceit and trickery, and people with Asperger's are just too honest for their own good. The "lying parasite" view of humanity.

I disagree with this. I think what you are describing does not reflect reality. I think you are expressing a stereotype, and a pretty extreme one at that. Personally, my experience of the world is that people are generally very generous and honest. Regardless, what is more important for me here is to understand WHY you (or in general someone with Asperger's) would come to feel this way. Here are my two guesses. NB: this is all just my speculation. I am not claiming to know for sure that any of this is right.

The first guess is that someone would Asperger's would naturally become extremely frustrated by their inability to understand the feelings and motivations of others, and thus function smoothly in normal society. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be. Often, when people are frustrated like that for such a long time, quite naturally they develop a justification to minimise their sense of failure or not-fitting-in - something along the lines of "It's not my fault - it's their fault! They're all fucked - the whole system is fucked." This helps because, instead of feeling like they have failed because they can't do something, they feel like they have succeeded because they purposefully chose to avoid something. Psychologically, they have regained a feeling of autonomy and control.

My second guess is that someone with Asperger's might assume that their own feelings and ideas about what they are expected to do are widespread. This is called projection in psychology. That is to say, someone with Asperger's might feel like they are pressured to "pretend" or "lie" in order to please others. Which could lead to thoughts like "Why do I have to pretend - shouldn't people accept me as I am?" This could be worsened if they feel like the reasons people offer sound instrumentalist - like they must pretend to be a certain way (caring, interested, jolly etc) so normal people will like them. This sounds like manipulation - and quite naturally again someone with Asperger's could assume that this is how ALL people work - they all pretend to be nice, they all feel like shit inside, they all just do it to get what they want. They project their internal state onto the world at large.

These two guesses may or may not be correct. Please note I am trying to offer them without judgement of any sort. I think they are the sorts of things that any perfectly normal person would do in that sort of situation. If you feel like crap, you try to make it better somehow.

But again, and especially on the second point, that view of normal society is just not correct. People are on the whole honest. Seriously. For most people, sympathy with others come pretty naturally. For most people, some days they feel good and some days they feel like crap, and they act however they feel. They don't walk around constantly trying to suppress their inner state, filled with deceit and distrust, just trying to manipulate each other!

The second point I want to rebut is your assumption that I do not understand technology. That it is a "black box puzzle." I'm sorry, but you're just plain wrong on that one. Why should you assume that social intelligence and analytical intelligence are mutually exclusive? It makes no sense to me - I can only hazard a guess that it might be a superiority reaction - thinking something like "Well yeah, but they don't understand what I'm great at."

Third, (and I apologise for rattling this off, I'd spend more time going over my thoughts but I'm in a bit of a rush) is your idea that neurotypicals and people with Asperger's are necessarily at war with each other - that normal society is a lazy, parasitic entity that feeds off the work of people with heightened analytical intelligences, chewing them up and spitting them out just because they don't have the inner dishonesty to protect themselves. Again, I think this is wrong, and curious to boot. Do you really feel like you are so abused and mistreated? That wider society is so dismissive of people with Asperger's? Society is a pretty sprawling construct - it's not like there's a council of neurotypicals that gets together every three years to set policy on the oppression of people with Asperger's or anything.

In summary, I think you have a highly mistaken impression of "normal" people and "normal" society. More importantly, I think you should realise that no sensible person thinks that the best way to go through life is to pretend not to be yourself - whether you're "normal" or not. If I was talking to someone with Asperger's, I would never say "pretend to be XYZ." I would try and help them explain some of the social cues and reasoning that might make their life difficult in the absence of understanding. But hell, if you feel angry or reclusive, then be angry or reclusive. If you don't care about what someone is saying, don't pretend to. That's how normal people work, I swear. They just act as they feel.

The only caveat is, just as no one should expect you to pretend to be a certain way, don't expect anyone to pretend to like the way you interact with them. If someone is upset about something and you laugh or respond flippantly or dismissively, it is their right to not like your response, and their right to avoid showing such feelings to you in the future, and their right to avoid being around you. Honesty cuts both ways.

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