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Always Invite Anna

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Re: Always Invite Anna

#91

Post by stevage »

BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

I knew a guy who had a clear "three strikes rule". If you turned down invitations three times in a row, you were told clearly that you weren't getting any more invites until you had extended one yourself. It's pretty fair.

These days I know a lot of busy people, so my softer version is, if I invite you to a thing and three times in a row you don't even reply, I'll probably just quietly stop inviting you altogether. I'm ok to keep you on the list if you make the effort to reply and explain why you can't come.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#92

Post by WA »

teapot7 wrote: post #72
dexterdog wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's probably just ego on the one side. That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship. If I were the other person I would make sure that invitation is never extended.

Or because they're shy and antisocial but it's nice to think that they're part of the gang - as the original article was all about.

You can overcome shyness to some extend. Not getting invited anymore can also be a sign that the shy person has to change something about their behavior, instead of all others just accepting that.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#93

Post by mrheosuper »

WA wrote: post #92
teapot7 wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Or because they're shy and antisocial but it's nice to think that they're part of the gang - as the original article was all about.

You can overcome shyness to some extend. Not getting invited anymore can also be a sign that the shy person has to change something about their behavior, instead of all others just accepting that.

>the shy person has to change something about their behavior

This is like asking depressing people to stop being "depressing"

Re: Always Invite Anna

#94

Post by jll29 »

Nice to have a post on HN about the human element, not just about homelabs and kernel patches, thanks for submitting and accepting it.

I guess a generalized lesson can be derived from this story: Never give up on people.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#95

Post by jll29 »

stevage wrote: post #91
BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

I knew a guy who had a clear "three strikes rule". If you turned down invitations three times in a row, you were told clearly that you weren't getting any more invites until you had extended one yourself. It's pretty fair. These days I know a lot of busy people, so my softer version is, if I invite you to a thing and three times in a row you don't even reply, I'll probably just quietly stop inviting you altogether. I…

You bringing in the "three strikes rule", I'm reminded of game theory.

They have the famous (repeat) prisoner's game, where two parties decide to either collaborate or to screw the other party. People ran software simulations of various strategies, and the winner is: Tit for tat. In other words, you start positive (invite), and stay like that until the other person screws you. They you screw them once next time and turn collaborative again immediately after (no hard feelings).

I'm not advocating you play the prisoner's game on people, but it's interesting that people worked formally on something relating to this.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#96

Post by happymellon »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #87
ryandrake wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

> I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! Sadly, I’m not. People can be quite cruel; especially as a mob. You’d think that a crowd like nerds, with our famously awkward aspect, and the way so many of us were treated, would be empathetic, but it seems that the treatment has actually had the opposite effect. I suspect many of us have had “nerdy” bosses that were walking nightmares. It didn’t happen to me, but tha…

Bullied people repeating the cycle of bullying is unfortunately not a new phenomenon.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#97

Post by globular-toast »

influx wrote: post #33

Conversely, tend towards saying yes if someone you want to hang out with invites you out, as they usually ask once and never again.

This. You usually get one and only one chance with new people. People hate rejection and they're not going to keep asking.

So a pro tip: if you're starting a new job or something and want to integrate into the social circles, be prepared to drop everything for those first few invitations. The first one is basically mandatory.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#98

Post by yazaddaruvala »

waysa wrote: post #89

This is especially valuable for friends who struggle with depression. They almost never feel like going out because depression sucks out all their energy. But they'll appreciate the invite and that they're not forgotten. It's harder this way for them to isolate and go deeper down the spiral. One rule that helped me fight my depression was to accept invites no matter what. Go to the loud bar I don't like? I'm in. Cake…

I think one of the most important lessons in life (even as a healthy person) is realizing “motivation and action are cyclically causal”

Of course “action follows motivation” but even when not motivated “motivation follows action”.

For example, even as a healthy person I am not always motivated to go to the gym after a busy day at work which I am “so tired from”. I go dispite the lack of motivation. Unsurprisingly, I walk out of the gym feeling re-motivated and “with more energy”.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#99

Post by cbolton »

matheusmoreira wrote: post #78
ryandrake wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

> Life is not a game where people build up points with you and you start to be kind to them only if they maintain themselves above a threshold. Be careful. It is trivial for others to take advantage of such selfless kindness. Ingratitude is common, as is sociopathy. Altruists often discover that the world does not reciprocate.

Is there any data on this? Ingratitude and sociopathy are not at all common in my experience. Differences in character, defensiveness, insecurity are more common already (and sometimes they look like ingratitude when you don't understand the other person's point of view), but the vast majority of people I meet are just nice...

Re: Always Invite Anna

#100

Post by nicbou »

If people keep declining invitations, I take the hint. Otherwise I feel like I'm pestering them. From my perspective, Anna is indistinguishable from someone who doesn't like me/the group/our plans that much.

Organizers also put themselves out there when they suggest and idea and invite people. Being repeatedly shot down feels bad too.

The core of my friend circles is the people who keep showing up. They're receptive to each other's plans and proactive about making them happen. When they show up, they bring the homemade dips. You can't get anything off the ground with a group of Annas.

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