What does connecting with someone mean? • Hacker News Board

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#91

Post by 93po » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 12:17 AM UTC

wanderingstan wrote: post #37

> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t. I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values…

I think hating small talk and avoiding it is a perfectly fine selection filter. If someone takes a long time to warm up and talk about deeper stuff, that's totally valid, but it's probably a sign of there being a mismatch in either vulnerability, actual available depth of conversation, or general conversation patterns. This mismatch means that yes, I could put in a lot of effort to get this person comfortable, but then you're accommodating someone else's priorities over your own, and I don't really want to do that with strangers. I'll go make friends with someone that is going to better match me.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#92

Post by scarface_74 » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 1:02 AM UTC

em-bee wrote: post #90

scarface_74 wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes and if I tell my kids to drop out of school it’s also possible for them to become a billionaire because I read about a few people who did so….

that's not a fair comparison. the risks of dropping out of school are quite different from the risks of talking to someone.

The risk of my walking up to a klmsn rally and trying to change their heart is quite the same…

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#93

Post by em-bee » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 9:44 AM UTC

scarface_74 wrote: post #92

em-bee wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

that's not a fair comparison. the risks of dropping out of school are quite different from the risks of talking to someone.

The risk of my walking up to a klmsn rally and trying to change their heart is quite the same…

well that's a dumb thing to do. you talk to people when you are in a friendly environment, on a shared activity, where you can make friends with them. you build a friendship first. you don't confront strangers on the street. again, do take a look at what daryl davis actually did. he most certainly did not walk into the middle of a kkk rally. and you don't have to follow his example by picking out the most difficult people to work on. just making friends with people who are not the same group as you is a good start.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#94

Post by 2color » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 10:38 AM UTC

A good way to avoid the "how are you?" small talk trap, is to ask "how are you sleeping?"

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#95

Post by [deleted] » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 1:20 PM UTC

em-bee wrote: post #93

scarface_74 wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The risk of my walking up to a klmsn rally and trying to change their heart is quite the same…

well that's a dumb thing to do. you talk to people when you are in a friendly environment, on a shared activity, where you can make friends with them. you build a friendship first. you don't confront strangers on the street. again, do take a look at what daryl davis actually did. he most certainly did not walk into the middle of a kkk rally. and you don't have to follow his example by picking out the most difficult p…

[deleted]

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#96

Post by scarface_74 » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 2:15 PM UTC

em-bee wrote: post #93

scarface_74 wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The risk of my walking up to a klmsn rally and trying to change their heart is quite the same…

well that's a dumb thing to do. you talk to people when you are in a friendly environment, on a shared activity, where you can make friends with them. you build a friendship first. you don't confront strangers on the street. again, do take a look at what daryl davis actually did. he most certainly did not walk into the middle of a kkk rally. and you don't have to follow his example by picking out the most difficult p…

Well it’s dumb to prostrate myself for people that hate me. Black people for decades since MLK have been told by the old guard to let folks beat them and they will eventually be nice to them.

Now unfortunately liberals of all stripes think the same metaphorically. The people they are trying to extend a hand to are about retribution and cheering a leader who does so.

It’s about as banal as the “thoughts and prayers” can change things on the right.

You noticed that none of the people giving this advice here are minorities, trans, etc reaching out to people?

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#97

Post by swaggyBoatswain » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 2:44 PM UTC

wanderingstan wrote: post #37

> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t. I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values…

Conversations should be progressive over time, as this builds trust and support over a given period of time

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#98

Post by igouy » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 2:49 PM UTC

2color wrote: post #94

A good way to avoid the "how are you?" small talk trap, is to ask "how are you sleeping?"

The polite reply would be: That's none of your business.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#99

Post by johnisgood » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 6:02 PM UTC

wanderingstan wrote: post #37

> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t. I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values…

I do not think smalltalk has much to do with vulnerability, personally. Smalltalk is boring and useless. It is a waste of time, IMO, just because people find silence awkward.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#100

Post by creer » Fri, Jul 25, 2025, 7:22 PM UTC

wanderingstan wrote: post #37

> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t. I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values…

Among the problems of small talk: (a) It's a crutch that just plain avoids the need for connection. (b) It lets you acknowledge someone - but so do more constructive acts such as simply noticing the person near you and being considerate to them, or even smiling. In particular so many people will have small talk with one person while not even noticing the others. (c) Small talk fills up time - aka wastes - to the detriment of other topics. (d) Do people really learn connection by starting with small talk? Perhaps a few.

After that, the question exists of what topics you can tackle - that are not small talk. That can be tough. But usually you do have something in common with the other, already. Recognizing what it is can be tricky. Certainly teaching the various ways you can interact with others would be nice to have in school.