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The year I didn't survive

bessstillman.substack.com

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#91

Post by bamboozled »

zmgsabst wrote: post #66
kelnos wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This thinking is completely backward. If there is an established threshold, and you want to change it, it is on you to do the homework to determine that the lower threshold will be sufficient and won't cause harm. It's not the responsibility of the people currently doing research (the way they've done so for years) to justify the current threshold.

The executive in charge of the grant-giving agencies changed policy — after looking at rates from other grants, which fell in the 10-15% range. If you want the public to believe that was wrong, you’ll need to make that case.

May I ask what your actual gripe is with level of spending that was going into research before?

Is there actual evidence that shows there was an issue that needed to be immediately addressed the way it was? Some evidence of "fraud" perhaps ?

Re: The year I didn't survive

#92

Post by BoingBoomTschak »

schneems wrote: post #24
tombert wrote: post #10

It's weird how a series of big things happening in a short period of time changes who you are as a person, and not always for the better. When I failed to stop an acquaintance from killing himself a few years ago [1], it really fucked me up. I barely knew the guy, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty over it, and I still have nightmares about it. It led to a severe funk of depression that I still haven't go…

I’m sorry you went though that. I had a friend die by suicide. Shortly after I met him for the first time IRL. It messed me up. I’m sure you’ve heard it before but for the gallery, there’s the “in the moment” suicides where the thought comes and people act on it. If anyone feels that way, please call a hotline, it really is just a temporary feeling that will pass. Then there’s the “sick for a long time.” My therapist…

The idea that something is fundamentally wrong with your brain when you do it is very naïve. Despair exists and the problems aren't always "just in your head".

Re: The year I didn't survive

#93

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

patcon wrote: post #90
MarkMarine wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Brother, I can't say anything that will make it better, but all I can offer is what gets me through grief that I've been living with for 20 years: They wouldn't want me to carry it like this. They always wanted the best for me, and walking around like a husk, missing them isn't it. I hope it gets better for you. It has for me.

Ah I'm crying. Thank you both, for your honesty. These little bits of stories feel like reserves I hope I never need so badly, but I likely will, and so I'm grateful.

It is interesting what might become fuel one day.

I was 14 when, within months: my mom's dad died, my dad died, my mom was diagnosed with the melanoma that took her 7 years later, a fire took the longtime family home. And she developed trigeminal neuralgia - a 9-10 for pain and she had it on both sides of her face. All of this impacted her. And us. For her part, she carried on with work and managing a family.

Fast forward. Well into my own marriage, my wife spiraled into mental health issues that subjected the kids and I to decades of sabotage, abuse and ceaseless, exhausting catastrophes.

I too learned that when I am hallowed out, I can continue on. When I am beyond my own help, someone else might not be and there might be something I can do. At this point, helping others is pure self preservation.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#94

Post by lux »

darkwater wrote: post #72
lux wrote: post #58

Sisyphean is the word I’ve come back to a lot myself since my wife took her life on November 6, 2024. Feeling like I’m now trying to live for both of us, grasping at ways of honouring her memory despite the incredible love we had being unable to “save” her, and somehow not at all myself anymore, but having to keep moving forward feels hopeless beyond belief. I lost my dad suddenly just two months prior, and my grandm…

John, I'm a perfect stranger but I send you a big hug and lot of love. I can only thinly scratch the surface of what you went through with my mind, and it's already the scariest thought I could possibly have in my life.

Thank you

Re: The year I didn't survive

#95

Post by danparsonson »

tombert wrote: post #19
danparsonson wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was reflecting just yesterday how, as we get older, gradually more and more of those who have been part of our sphere for significant portions of our lives (whether direct acquaintances, or just people who we know because of their public actions) begin to leave us, and how everyone who passes, whoever they are and however well we knew them, leaves a space that can't be filled. I'm truly sorry for all that you've be…

> I'm truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope you find comfort. Reading through your other post it seems likely to me that nothing you said or did could have made any difference. Yeah I know, that's not really why I feel guilty, at least not exactly. I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything. Even if nothing would have changed, I still t…

> Yeah I know, that's not really why I feel guilty, at least not exactly. I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything. Even if nothing would have changed, I still think I should have tried to do something, even if it was futile.

I understand; I have some similar regrets although perhaps not on the same scale. You held yourself to a certain standard, so you're disappointed in yourself that you didn't reach it.

I suppose this is the difference between knowing the path and walking the path - in theory we all know how we want to react in such a situation but when the time comes, the reality is often not exactly what we imagined and so we are still unprepared and make a choice that we come to regret. I think it's like any disaster - you'll get it wrong the first few times, no matter how prepared you think you are.

Thin consolation I know; like I said, I hope you can come to terms with it.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#96

Post by wwilim »

Grief and postpartum is a very dangerous combination. I know someone who landed in a mental facility for 5 weeks when her baby was barely 4 months old. Seek help, consult a psychiatrist, get therapy. Don't be afraid of medication, there are antidepressants that don't filter into your milk, and the doctor will know which ones they can safely give you, just tell them you're breastfeeding. You can manage going to therapy with a baby, many therapists allow you to bring your child. Don't let other people take control when they assume you're weak and failing, you're not. Take care.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#97

Post by eckesicle »

dottjt wrote: post #84
eckesicle wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife died suddenly when my son was two years old. He’s almost seven now. So far, he’s completely fine without her. He claims he has memories of her, but I think he just remembers photos and videos that we’ve watched together. I don’t think he knows what he’s missing.

Do you think it's important for your child to have a relationship his mother, if that makes any sense at all? Like do you celebrate her birthday etc. How do you retain that connection, or do you just leave it in the past?

To your first question, I don’t know. We do celebrate her birthday, light a candle whenever we walk past a church / go into a temple etc. If I’m brutally honest I think it’s more for my own sake than his.

To retain the connection, we look at photos together every week and I tell him stories about her, and their relationship.

I spoke to him just now, and he says that he misses her but is unable to articulate how. Perhaps these ceremonies will grow more important over time, and as he grows older perhaps he will appreciate that we took the time to celebrate her.

I have an adult friend, who lost his mother at a young age too. He tells me that he only really started to miss her once he got older, around 12, and as an adult. He doesn’t remember who she was or why, but he misses the idea of having had family dinners at home every day etc. The dynamic in a household is very different when there is one adult and one child at home, versus two adults to a child.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#98

Post by wwilim »

CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

I like to explain this state to people by saying that my circuit breakers popped.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#99

Post by lux »

MarkMarine wrote: post #70
lux wrote: post #58

Sisyphean is the word I’ve come back to a lot myself since my wife took her life on November 6, 2024. Feeling like I’m now trying to live for both of us, grasping at ways of honouring her memory despite the incredible love we had being unable to “save” her, and somehow not at all myself anymore, but having to keep moving forward feels hopeless beyond belief. I lost my dad suddenly just two months prior, and my grandm…

Brother, I can't say anything that will make it better, but all I can offer is what gets me through grief that I've been living with for 20 years: They wouldn't want me to carry it like this. They always wanted the best for me, and walking around like a husk, missing them isn't it. I hope it gets better for you. It has for me.

Thank you. It’s definitely the living definition of hell, a constant panic attack for a past you can’t change, but it’s also only been 3 months and I’m discovering resilience and supports I’m so thankful for.

I also decided to go visit one of our favourite places (Thailand) to get away for a bit, meet up with a friend, do some writing, and make some new memories here. It’s been really hard at points but definitely healing too.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#100

Post by danparsonson »

tombert wrote: post #35
beachtaxidriver wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I read your original post and almost every reasonable person would have paused, but then have written it off as dark humor by someone they didn't know that well. The only reason you might think there were "signs" you should have caught now is because of what happened but no one could have known in advance. From a total Internet stranger, give yourself some grace. Or what I have also heard: Judge yourself the way you…

> The only reason you might think there were "signs" you should have caught now is because of what happened but no one could have known in advance. Not quite that simple. I remember sitting in my bed that night, wrestling with whether or not I should call the police or something, and I explicitly chose to do nothing because I didn't want him to think I was weird. Maybe my mind is blowing it up worse than it was, but…

> Maybe my mind is blowing it up worse than it was, but that's how I remember it.

This is important actually - human memory is much more fragile than most people realise; we can and regularly do invent entire episodes in our heads, to retroactively explain some fact we have later come to know, or to fit some other thing that we have misremembered.

It's entirely possible that it didn't go down exactly as you remember, but rather your feelings are sharpening the memory and exaggerating your perceived misstep.

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