The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

I was bullied pretty incessantly 12 - 16. It wasn't the worst, but it went on a long time. It had two effects on my life. My self confidence and self image were both very low for a long time - for example I was asked about by a girl and my response was just "why would you want anything to do with me". It also made me a bit of a bully myself during and afterwards. I'm glad I was able to think that through and stop it happening. I'm in my 40s now, these kind of thoughts still catch me out.

I've got my own kids now and we homeschool. Which is not really because of my own experience at school but still, friends with kids tell of the antics at school and I'm glad mine aren't involved in either side of those stories.

> Absence of bullying doesn't mean absence of discipline.

If you're caught and punished immediately every single time you do X, you develop the internal discipline to avoid doing X almost instantly. A mild punishment is ample in this case - for many children saying "you know that isn't right" is sufficient.

If you're caught only 10% of the time you do X, whether the punishment is mild or severe, the lesson is "don't get caught". No severity of punishment is a deterrent to those who do not believe they will be caught.

Essentially, if kids aren't being called out for misbehavior reliably, it doesn't matter how severe the punishment is (because kids have poor judgement & don't think they'll be caught _this_ time). If they _are_ being called out for misbehavior reliably, they know they aren't going to get away with it - so the punishment only needs to be unpleasant enough to make a poor trade for whatever advantages the behavior has.

Further, parents occasionally mis-identify the situation and kids get falsely accused (when perhaps a sibling actually did it). A severe punishment undermines parental authority in a way that a "I'm disappointed that this happened" conversation does not.

I'd argue that this makes what's typically referred to as "parental bullying" the opposite of effective discipline training. Severe punishments handed out haphazardly teach you not to be identified as a culprit.

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I was bullied between 6 and 16. I got hit, mocked, ignored, etc. I felt like I did not exist apart in my head.

My father was also very violent and I was scared shitless when he was angry. And he was always angry at something or someone. He tried to strangle my mom multiple times, hit me, broke windows, yelled like a madman...

It turned me into a ghost, trying to be invisible while I hated not being "seen".

I was crazy shy, couldn't look at people for long, felt bad whenever I saw they saw me. My safe place was the Web. It saved my life, and helped me find (or created??) my passion.

It took me a good 20-25 years to evolve and start daring to live more the way I wanted. Now I'm 40, it's all far behind, but I still get sad from time to time, thinking about all that crap. Yet, I'm thankful, because it turned me into someone with a lot of inner calm, patience, empathy, and willingness to make people around me happier. I have very few deep relationships, but I value those a lot, and I don't need any more.

Empathy, calm and patience are powerful and valuable skills to have in many life situations.

You do realize that it's the bullies who have "socially undesirable qualities", right?