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Ask vs. Guess Culture

jeanhsu.substack.com

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Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#91

Post by outsidetheparty »

JadeNB wrote: post #77
outsidetheparty wrote: post #42

The original MetaFilter comment lays the idea out in a much more balanced way than this article does, imo. The discussion of the idea here looks to be well on its way to mirroring that on MetaFilter (Ask vs Guess became a major part of that site's culture, it came up in quite a few threads over time.) https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-bet... (To me the most interesting thing about the concept i…

> (To me the most interesting thing about the concept is that you can immediately tell from people's reaction to it which category they personally fall into.) It reveals things about other people, but also about oneself. For example, I always assumed that people were just afraid to ask and answer questions honestly; until I read that post, I was not aware that there was any cultural choice being made. And so I learne…

Definitely!

The original post and discussion was an eye-opener for me; before that I never understood why some people would say "yes" to a request but then act put upon anyway, or would act vaguely like they wanted something but never actually come out and say so. I just thought they expected everyone to be a mind-reader.

Once I understood they were basing things on the premise that putting someone in a position of having to say "no" was rude, it all made a lot more sense, and I was able to adjust my own behavior and expectations to better fit theirs.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#92

Post by samus »

jedberg wrote: post #64
bryanlarsen wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does it? That's not what I got from the article at all. The author is from a "guess" culture trying to operate in an "ask" culture world. She's adapting, but not because any particular culture is better than the other, but because "when in Rome, do as the Romans do".

Multiple times it mentions that "guess culture" is frustrating and difficult, and that she and her brother prefer ask culture because it's easier.

"Ask" culture is prevalent in places where people come from diverse backgrounds. Cultures might also not be uniformely "ask" or "guess" across all topics. Therefore, when people with different value systems and communication cultures meet, "guess" culture simply doesn't work because other person's needs and intentions are often unexpected.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#94

Post by sh1mmer »

noahlt wrote: post #2

The "Ask vs Guess" name rhetorically frames it in favor of the Askers. Asking sounds reasonable, guessing does not! But really it's not about "Guessing", it's about understanding. It's about community, and relationship, and trust. What this culture really wants is for you to pay attention and understand the people around you, rather than treating everything as a transaction.

I feel like “Ask” vs “Sense” would be a better term.

I’ve found this a lot in relationships where partners where a high bar is expected for how well I can to intuit their current state. “If I have to say it, it’s not romantic”, etc.

I think I tend to fall somewhere in the middle between the two extremes. Being able to ask is feels good, giving and getting feedback feels good, but having someone not care about being aware of where I am at (or factoring that in) doesn’t feel good.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#95

Post by BoxFour »

nostrademons wrote: post #72
carabiner wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That sounds more like urban vs rural. The southerners I've known (Alabama) are pretty blunt about asking for what they want. Going further with stereotypes, some people say west coast is guess, east is ask.

"Going further with stereotypes, some people say west coast is guess, east is ask." My experience is the opposite. I grew up in New England, and it seemed like there were a large number of unspoken norms (in both business and personal culture) that were really hard to grok. Moving out to the Bay Area, people are refreshingly direct. "Want to come work for equity on my crypto startup?" "No, you're crazy." "Okay goodby…

Well, I'd suggest that:

1) A substantial number of individuals in the bay aren't originally from there.

2) Assuming the role of a startup founder inherently demands a familiarity with ask culture.

One of the initial steps frequently involves requesting significant amounts of money from individuals, with minimal consequence to the borrower if it doesn't materialize to anything!

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#96

Post by rossdavidh »

Great article. One point I would like to add, is that "guess" culture works great when there is already a lot of shared cultural background, but "ask" culture works better when people are coming from very different backgrounds (and thus won't know enough about what the other person wants or needs, to guess very accurately). Sure, it's good to find out more about where other people are coming from, but this takes time, and in the meantime stuff has to get done. I'm guessing this is why most workplaces are "ask" culture.

Also, most families have enough common background to make "guess" culture work, so a lot of adolescents and young adults are more accustomed to "guess" culture, but once they move out into the world to deal more with people that have very different backgrounds, they will need to become more comfortable with "ask" culture.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#97

Post by DirkH »

throwanem wrote: post #38
smeej wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hmm. I think I've primarily experienced the really dark side of guess culture, so I appreciate your framing of it as a desire for understanding when it's in a healthy context. I've experienced it in the contexts of narcissism and borderline personality, where the underlying thought is, "I am so obviously the center of the world that anyone with half a brain who's paying a whit of attention should to intuit my needs w…

What you're describing is abusive behavior, which is something I would hesitate very strongly to characterize as part of any cultural norm.

I guarantee you that abusive cultural norms exist and many poor individuals stuck in cultures with abusive norms wish they were living in a different culture.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#99

Post by hosh »

samus wrote: post #66
carabiner wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That sounds more like urban vs rural. The southerners I've known (Alabama) are pretty blunt about asking for what they want. Going further with stereotypes, some people say west coast is guess, east is ask.

Indeed rural vs. urban is another divide across which such differences are observed. People from big metro areas are usually more blunt than in the surroundings. Probably because people there usually come from diverse backgrounds, but "guess" culture requires the opposite to work.

It may have more to do with deeper, more static personal relationships within a community in rural settings. In urban settings, folks generally don’t know their neighbors, can hide in numbers, have to be more assertive with strangers and acquaintances, and can get away to a fresh start if they wreck their reputation.

I think ask vs guess is a good start, but looking at my experience and looking at what people are talking about here, there is at least one more dimension at play here.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#100

Post by chasing »

v3gas wrote: post #29
chasing wrote: post #10

I don't really care for the "Ask vs. Guess" framing. More like "make demands without considering the other person at all vs. think for a second about not imposing yourself on other people unnecessarily." But mostly this article is about the virtues of being a clear communicator and having decent interpersonal skills, which is neither an "ask" nor a "guess" thing.

You're clearly a Guess :)

I consider myself a staunch centrist on the "ask" vs. "guess" scale. :-)

I ask all the time! And I'm totally comfortable with "no." But I try to consider the other person first because I think making unreasonable requests repeatedly, which is the subtext of their description of an "asker," blows social capital and just bugs people.

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