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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#91

Post by inkcapmushroom »

thenerdhead wrote: post #56

Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc? I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

For me the only close friends I have kept through my 20's and many life-changing events are ones I made in high school, and mostly because of Discord. Being able to virtually hang out has made it possible for me to maintain relationships after a move which I wouldn't have been able to keep up before.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#92

Post by [deleted] »

gruez wrote: post #84
nier wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

NPC as in non-playable character? One of the first search results reads: «[…] slang used by millenials to denote people who act as if they are being told by someone to act in a specific manner, although that may not be the case. Using this abbreviation, the commentator or the creator is poking fun at the other person for acting in a certain manner.»

Right word, wrong meaning. In the result you quoted, a person's intelligence is being compared to that of a NPC, implying that the person can't think for themselves and does whatever they're told like how NPCs in games act. The gp seems to imply a slightly different meaning, where a person is thought of as being not being a real person, and is only someone you go to for transactional work related stuff.

[deleted]

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#93

Post by yunwal »

legerdemain wrote: post #41

The author is a child. The core of his anecdote is "I dated a girl and then I went to a summer camp and got my camp mates to do that '36 questions' exercise the New York Times popularized several years ago." I think this advice would be useful to socially awkward college students who need explicit instruction for talking to classmates.

Yeah, I was so ready to agree with this article at the beginning, but then got to the 36 questions part and felt queasy reading it. Imagining a friend coming up to me and reading off some script about "who is your ideal dinner guest" makes me depressed.

I do think there are some decent observations in the beginning of this article that a lot of people take too long to realize.

1) There comes a time in most people's lives where making friends won't come without a lot of effort. You will have to go out of your way to create situations where you can get to know people.

2) Asking probing, slightly uncomfortable questions can lead to deeper friendships. If you're the type of person who doesn't feel comfortable digging into people's feelings, it's worth it to force it.

That being said, you need to treat your friends like they're unique people. You can't read questions off a script and expect them to feel good about it.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#94

Post by renewiltord »

I have lots of friends at varying levels of closeness - from folks in a shared group chat to folks who helped clothe me when I couldn't. I find them easy to make, honestly.

But the most interesting relevant experience I had recently was when a friend of mine suggested using these couples' cards just to get to know each other, skipping the explicitly romantic ones. I barely knew her except as a sister of another friend of mine, but we did a couple of these every day for fun for a week and we ended up quite close at the end of it.

It's stuff like "what situations make you anxious?", "what is a time you were really happy?", "what things do you do for me which you wish I appreciated more?". This lends some credence to the idea that questions around vulnerability help quite a bit. I've always been quite intentional about making friends, but this rapid-bootstrap is literally the fastest it's happened to me.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#95

Post by l33tbro »

This is kind of sad. It just feels like OP has built this enormous apparatus over some emotional void they've picked up in their development. Making friends just isn't that hard for the vast majority of people.

If you're having to use reverse engineering and problem solving to form emotional connections, then you might want to spend the time in therapy and working through what caused you to be emotionally stunted.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#96

Post by standardUser »

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

"Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me."

That's media bullshit that people really like to believe. There is no shortage of people looking for relationships.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#97

Post by technological »

I feel it is relatively easy to make friends during engineering (under grad) when there is no financial responsibilities and you have lot of patience, high level of tolerance. When compared to age where you have more financial responsibility and certain age where you no longer have patience to let go some of things which you do not like in other person. It comes to point where I feel why do I need to compromise on so many things to make friends.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#98

Post by roofone »

bgroat wrote: post #27
lisper wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.

I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... an…

I like the straightforward, logical approach -- it's helpful for me to think about the process in those terms. Thank you.

However, thinking about the process this way makes it really apparent that I've got no desire in trying to make friends -- each of those steps individually feels like a nearly insurmountable nightmare for me... much less doing all of them (and more than once!).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#99

Post by SoftTalker »

denton-scratch wrote: post #38
bgroat wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... an…

> Good friend is not, "Will donate a kidney" I have a rather tighter notion of a "good friend". It includes things like "will not steal from me", "won't betray my confidences", "will be straight with me". Otherwise they're just mates; people I feel OK hanging out with. I have no good friends just now, and I haven't had good friends for quite a few years. I don't think my standards are exacting; I have mates, but I ju…

I like your definitions. And I agree, good friends are rare. I haven't had one since high school, nearly 40 years ago.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#100

Post by sabellito »

thenerdhead wrote: post #56

Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc? I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

I've kept 3 very close friends (they don't know each other), and now we live in 3 different continents. One I met in my teens, another in my early twenties, and another when I was almost 30. We're all almost 40 now and keep daily contact via text and have a call once every 2 months or so. They're the people I ask advice to and share good and bad news.

There's no secret to it, we're just on eachother's minds and ping one another frequently.

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