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What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

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Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#91

Post by padraic7a »

blagie wrote: post #18

I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, covering part of funeral expenses/logistics) or supportive (e.g. making yourself available to talk through things or just be there for someone). A vague offer of help, many people will never make use of. "If there's anything I can do..." often doesn't quite signal "…

That's a really good tip.

"Let me know if there's anything I can do" isn't all that helpful without being specific.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#92

Post by nightski »

fayalargeau wrote: post #8

> “Hey, I heard about the news. I don’t have the right words and please don’t feel obligated to reply. Just know that if I can do something, big or small, now or in the future, I’m just a text away.” i like this

I don't know for me it's just not necessary. I know who has my back already. This would just feel like pandering. I'd rather people didn't act like I suffered a traumatic life event. It's just a job after all.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#93

Post by Cupertino95014 »

thedanbob wrote: post #64
calvinmorrison wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

improving my relationship with my wife has roughly been figuring out "is she venting/complaining or looking for a solution", and for myself, asking the same thing.

My wife and I use the phrase “it’s not about the nail”[0] as an in-joke/shorthand for communicating this. [0] https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

.. but what if she DID have a nail in her head? :)

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#94

Post by xwdv »

seanc wrote: post #89

Sitting someone down and walking them through your own experience without judgement or expectation is always appreciated. I was laid off many times during the Optical Winter of 2001-2006 and developed a system for dealing with it. Handing someone the system and saying "You should do these things" is less helpful than telling the story of "The first time I got laid off I did a, b, c. The second time I had learned my l…

Only do this though if you are a peer or someone they can aspire to be. If you once got laid off but your life then went on a downward spiral and you never really recovered, just keep it to yourself. It’s not comforting.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#95

Post by JamesianP »

sneak wrote: post #24

Why is being laid off being compared to the grief related to the death of a parent? Why would there be any grief from a layoff? It’s just a job. Anyone in mourning because they have to job hunt probably has some bigger issues that aren’t going to be helped in any way by what friends do or do not say.

There is a loss, and people (especially more recently it seems?) sometimes are unable to cope at all with loss. I do agree it's unhealthy and extreme to put it that way. A dead loved-one is never coming back. That is a pain you must learn to live with. But you can get another job, perhaps even the same one again.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#96

Post by seanc »

xwdv wrote: post #94
seanc wrote: post #89

Sitting someone down and walking them through your own experience without judgement or expectation is always appreciated. I was laid off many times during the Optical Winter of 2001-2006 and developed a system for dealing with it. Handing someone the system and saying "You should do these things" is less helpful than telling the story of "The first time I got laid off I did a, b, c. The second time I had learned my l…

Only do this though if you are a peer or someone they can aspire to be. If you once got laid off but your life then went on a downward spiral and you never really recovered, just keep it to yourself. It’s not comforting.

Ah yes. True, good point.

Early on I went to a support group for laid off employees, and many of them stood up to tell heartbreaking stories of emotional turmoil and bleak prospects. I walked out of there and never looked back. I had a young family and bills to pay. I didn't have time or energy to be someone else's pillar of strength.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#97

Post by ska »

robbyking wrote: post #67
scionthefly wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…

One thing I learned when my son was born is eating well is really tough to do when your mind is somewhere else. Mealtrains -- friend sourced meal prep -- are popular for people with newborns, but I've taken to dropping off meals (or sending GrubHub gift cards for friends who live out of town) to friends when I know they're going through a tough time.

This - providing meals - is a time honored tradition in many many cultures and communities, for exactly the reasons you mention.

I think the somewhat recent focus on nuclear families and breaking of social cohesion that came with it makes this harder. If you don't even know your neighbors, you probably don't know when they need the help, or if it would be appreciated/accepted if you offer.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#98

Post by JamesianP »

Cupertino95014 wrote: post #47

Engineers instinctively want to solve problems. You can't solve this problem. They're going to feel awful for a while. "Hey, you'll find another job!" or "Hey, in 6 months you'll be over it!" or mentioning Kubler-Ross are the wrong "solutions." And definitely anything about you is the wrong solution. "I'm really sorry" sounds like boilerplate, but that's a good opening. And also a good closing.

Well I mean it is an objectively solvable problem.

Personally I vacillate between fear of the future and optimism of the future. Peers expressing the opinion that there's nothing to feel bad about helps my perspective a lot more than people acting like they think someone just died when I suffer a setback.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#99

Post by funklute »

seanc wrote: post #89

Sitting someone down and walking them through your own experience without judgement or expectation is always appreciated. I was laid off many times during the Optical Winter of 2001-2006 and developed a system for dealing with it. Handing someone the system and saying "You should do these things" is less helpful than telling the story of "The first time I got laid off I did a, b, c. The second time I had learned my l…

> the Optical Winter of 2001-2006

I have never heard of this, and google doesn't return anything useful... what does this refer to?

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#100

Post by baq »

paxys wrote: post #61

I wish we weren't culturally in a place where a layoff is treated like the death of a family member. We need to stop tying our identities (and basic healthcare) to our job. Getting fired from Amazon should really be a reason for celebration.

Is it really cultural if when it happens financial and livelihood consequences are similar for some time?
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