I could have written all of this myself except for the father part. I feel ya.
Getting Out of a Rut
91–100 of 117 posts
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#92> In February, I’ll become a father
If nothing else, this will force you to get out of the rut. It might give you a new one, but it will get you out of the one you're in, now.
Congratulations!
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#93I felt much the same before my kid was born. I would concentrate on enjoying what time you have left as a free man to tick off any bucket lists that might be tricky being tied to your kids post code.
Any advice for others going through this phase of their life? I have a terrible feeling this will be me; when I think of having a child I do think about it as if I will only be living for someone else (which is fine) but I have ambitions I want to materialize.
How has living a post child life given you more insight into your pre child thoughts?
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#94Whew this was a word.
Describe what your rut is. Itemize it. Deeply. Then pick one thing. It can be the smallest thing on the list. And fix it for one day. Keep fixing it for a week, then pick the next thing on the list and fix that too. Keep steady for a week, add another.
Improvements in life VERY RARELY happen all at once. Start small.
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#95Get physically active. You would need a LOT of energy to be around your son. I wish I was fitter when I became a father. That would have really helped. Once you get more energy, things will fall into place. So keep that as your first priority.
This advice is almost always good regardless of circumstance.
Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and being fit enough to care for yourself and others as long as you can, are life-changing decisions for the better.
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#96As someone in a "rut" recently, one of the things I realized was I needed to stop telling myself the story that I'm in a rut, because describing it as a "rut" focuses on a lot of externals I can't control. When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and "omg I've got a flat…
I really appreciate this because it's effectively the same advice as the "it's on you, stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for yourself, etc" stuff, except it's not at all condescending or demeaning, and it has more specific useful steps. I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic but this seems like a useful attitude for other areas in which I feel stuck.
> I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic
I don’t want to get too meta, or say you’re wrong, but there’s a lot of us that are very much right in the middle of this pandemic. And it contributes to the rut.
If you live in a household that is collectively protecting a loved one who is immunocompromised, this pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two and a half years.
Shoot- even if you just don’t want to get covid, or long covid, or spread it through the community. It’s been a hard experience being part of the minority not pretending things are ‘back to normal’.
That’ll put ya in a rut.
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#97Cleanup your room. Cleanup your appearance (hair, beard, cloths, etc). Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction. If I may "guess" what's going on: You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated and so you have no choice? First of all, you always have a c…
I would not suggest trying to change your job or start a business when you first become a father.
The first few months or so it's easy to leave everything to the mother, as the baby is basically just feeding and sleeping and pooping. It seems that you don't need to do much, so can take life easy and take on new projects. Wrong. This is when you need to do the most.
if you have family living nearby who can look after the child that will help a lot. If you don't, then sorry, you just need to accept that the next few years are going to be very demanding for you. If it's an option to relocate to be closer, I would highly suggest you take it.
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#98If you have a job, count that as a blessing. The internet has made most of us materialists and carnal. It sure did that to me. I recently sold my powerful desktop and traded my monitor for a few hundred bucks and I've been left with a bunch of cables that I no longer need nor wish sell. So I'm just going to hand them to Goodwill. I have been cleaning my whole apartment from wall to wall now for the last week and a half. I will be 100% done tomorrow.
My apartment did not show evidence of life in it for years because I was too concentrated on my monitor screen. Life and the days rolled by seemingly I was barely in it to make any difference. I finally got a job that I like that is not tech oriented and now I spend most of my time standing and although my feet hurt I feel stronger now because of it.
I had a lot of high hopes with some work that I was doing but I was not thinking clearly to see it was really just a hobby that can't have legs.
The process of liquidation takes a certain threshold. When you start to notice it is already a little late. I took out 7 contractor sized bags of laundry and did the wash on anything made of fabric. I then took my wardrobe and started tossing stuff I didn't like or donating the better parts that didn't fit to the thrift. I replaced all my tshirts with polo to match my new employer dress code. Each shirt only cost $4 to replace from the salvation army (new ones would cost at least 4 times as much). I got smaller pants that now fit mostly without a belt though I still have wear one.
I spent about $150 of my new money for things like pillows and bedding and throw pillows and some GFS food.
I did some fun entertaining in my now clean apartment today. I made gyros from a kit I bought and made a salad for my brother. After that I toasted some marshmallows on the range and made smores in the oven. I have found that food pleases more than music if you know how to do either.
I've got plans to do some more entertaining now that I can do it. I didn't think of that when I started but now it seems doable. The more face time I have the better I feel. I think the Lord is behind us for downsizing. We really don't need a lot of the stuff we've acquired.
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#99It’s just life. The ups and downs. There is nothing wrong with you. You are aware of the situation (better than most people) so you just need to change one thing at a time. Literally doing something that you were putting off for 10 minutes is a start.
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Disclaimer: Depression is real and multifaceted. Some seek medical help. Some get over it on their own.
Re: Getting Out of a Rut
#100Definitely go see a doctor. You’re describing aspects of general anxiety disorder, ADHD, and major depressive disorder. You need to talk to someone trained to diagnose what could be going on so that you can receive an evidence-based treatment that might just work.