My wife and I write an annual letter to one another. They are truly magical and they are great to read back, often bringing us to tears and capturing the struggles of raising children, moving continents etc. They unleash memories when read.
We have ten years of them and they are truly amazing and I recommend it as a slightly less involved shared (two way) ritual .
Write a note to your spouse every day
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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#92> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…
Now imagine doing that with two minimum wage jobs. That is true hell.
Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#93I'm in a very similar demographic as the author so I empathise with how hard things can be, but this: >there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Oh boy. That sounds awful . Rather than trying to work around that busyness, personally I would go out of my way to just n…
It’s an old, oft repeated saying, but nobody ever laments not working enough when they’re on their death bed, but frequently people do regret not spending enough time with loved ones.
Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#94Earlier quoted context omitted.
Marriage takes work, lots of work. The reward in my experience is totally worth it. You have to lay down part of your life for the new life that you experience with your spouse and children. The individual you once were is now part of a family and no longer exists as an individual. You serve your family and they serve you back. For me the amount I give of myself is much less than I receive back from the marriage / fa…
Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I started writing literal daily notes to my wife, she’d be very concerned something was wrong. Then she’d ask why I’m wasting my time writing a note when I could have done… literally annoying else more productive lol
Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match.
This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do.
Because the alternative is to just be single and die alone surrounded by no one, childless in some nursing home where nurses increasingly don’t give a fuck about you the closer you are to death.
Some people will argue being single isn’t so bad. But for a person whose goal it is to be married and share life with someone it can be a fate worse than death. And the longer it takes to get married the more of your life you are living without sharing experiences with anyone that matters to you.
Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#95Earlier quoted context omitted.
Gratitude is only possible from a place of narcissism. Think about it.
I don't get it. Would you be suggesting that truly selfless people don't like to be thanked? If so, I don't understand why that would be a good thing; there's nothing wrong to expect respect or basic appreciation for your help.
We're using the word differently.
In the context of this thread, gratitude stands for expressing what you appreciate about your relationship with another.
Do you see the problem here? If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate.
If you're thinking, yeah, great idea, everyone manipulates, so what, you're a sociopath :)
As for the way you're using the word gratitude, to mean 'thanks' - sure, social norms dictate acknowledging other human beings in various ways - that's not what this thread is about.
Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#96I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…
Since we're being party poopers, it's worth noting that if your relationship fails it is, by definition, because you are unattractive to your partner. If that's the case, then yes attention from an unattractive person is a major turn-off. That's hardly a great revelation, but even so that kind of common sense appears to be sorely lacking amongst many persons.
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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#97Don’t waste your time reading comments. Each pontification is shittier than the other. People on HN can be extremely stupid sometimes.
Note to author: please for fuck sake, stop with the false click bait promises. “I wrote a note every day” … then … “Ok, that’s a lie; it’s on weekdays and not everyday”… what the hell? You do you you’re writing and not speaking right? ie. go back and edit your text if you’ve lied, otherwise it’s just clickbait.
Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#98Earlier quoted context omitted.
What's bad about divorce laws? People's view on divorce and divorce laws of the past seems to be much more awful
Being in a relationship opens yourself up to a huge amount of financial risk which can last a very long time after the breakup/divorce. In most countries you are exposed to this risk even if you don't marry as you automatically enter a de facto which is pretty legally similar to a full marriage. This all made sense when you had a man working and a woman at home looking after the house and kids, but in a modern societ…
I believe a well-orchestrated prenup, perhaps in combination with some structure of legal trusts, can (mostly) mitigate this. You can firewall assets and nix alimony. And then move to Texas for the cap on child support orders, which really matters [0]. The only exposure you're left with is being liable for attorney fees, but hopefully Texas has some standard to preclude those from becoming unconscionable.
A lot of people complain this is the wrong way to view marriage. That's only true if you're on relatively equal financial footing with your spouse. Any successful person has the right to structure their marriage such that there is no compelling financial incentive for their spouse to divorce them (and that too on top of a base divorce rate of ~50%). Only a fool would do anything short of make their marriage bulletproof in a situation of unusual spousal wealth asymmetry [1].
[0] https://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/seven-celebrities-w...
[1] https://www.elle.com/culture/celebrities/a26570850/justin-bi...
Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#99Earlier quoted context omitted.
love languages are bullshit, but it is useful to know if someone doesn't like physical touch but don't worry, I play along with that, myers briggs, astrology, angel numbers, ambiguous western spirituality, and I'm a great listener (because I'm too dumbfounded to know what to say and I don't mind being an enabler, for sex) unlike the others, its only the myers briggs people that take their belief system seriously, sin…
it is possible to take these things to seriously. i didn't read the five love languages book end to end. it was enough for me to know that there are different ways to express love and that we have different preferences in what ways we notice love from others. that is the core that matters here, and is what helped me understand our relationship better. same for MBTI. i don't know what specific MBTI type i am supposed…
you might be pleased then to know that the same introspective possibilities are available in astrology, and many people get that from it. It goes much deeper than a procedurally generated daily horoscope and judging someone for the month they were born in.
Guess I listen better than you might have gathered from what I wrote, I’m pretty quick on the improv and with astrology pretty much all you have to do is not call it bullshit and people are surprised and enamored that you didnt! Because they expect you (or guys) to.
regarding love languages, I’m glad you got something out of it. I gather that most people just take an online quiz or just read the categories and choose one or three. The quiz being on the website of the book author if I recall correctly.
Re: Write a note to your spouse every day
#100> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…
They have 4 kids under 6. Sounds like reality of families with manu small kids.