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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#91

Post by aabajian »

In high school I was very nervous speaking in front of people, but I enjoyed explaining the one-off calculus problem that was challenging to solve. In college, I tutored small group mathematics and chemistry classes (2-8 students per class, 1-3 classes per week). I then did Teach for America for 2 years (20-35 students per class, 5 classes per day). By the end of that, I could speak in front of thousands of people without breaking a sweat.

Pro-tip for public speaking: Never pause-out-loud. If you are going to say, "uh", "well", "like", etc. just don't say it. From an audience perspective, hearing, "Thank you all for coming, uh, we have a great special for you today..." is much worse than hearing, "Thank you all for coming (pause), we have a great special for you today."

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#92

Post by mberning »

This is going to sound dumb but I had a Subaru and there was a local Subaru forum that met up for autocross, install days, dinners, etc. I was a bit intimidated to “just show up” but I ended up going and met tons of cool new people. So I would say find a local group that has some common interests and jump in with both feet.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#94

Post by lr4444lr »

Try volunteering somewhere.

People are just happy enough that you're donating your time and effort that you can be more sure they won't mind your self-perceived inadequacies, even if you think they're noticeable.

Having repeated positive interactions in a pretty reliable context like that can help give you a better subconscious ideation of what new people think of you. Volunteering will also improve your self concept as a good person who is likable, and worthy of being treated well.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#96

Post by xcambar »

mrfusion wrote: post #89

Bonus idea: Have a prop whenever you can. I saw a guy at party bring a Rubix cube and you wouldn’t believe how many people came up to talk to him. Instant ice breaker. What are some of your ideas for props?

Unless this prop is used as a comfort totem and you can't get your hands off or your attention away.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#97

Post by kinghtown »

I used to be really shy with trust issues.. If I’m to be brutally honest I still am at times BUT doing a lot of psychedelics, though especially MDMA, have given me some insight into social behaviour which I do act upon with success. I feel confident to chat up anyone and handle people. Public speaking is no big deal, either.

People want to feel good. Really, don’t underestimate this. You’ll go a long, long way in this world if you can bring pleasure or happiness to the people around you.

Now, I’m not suggesting for you or anyone to be an entertainer or a constant joker, or to work hard at making people happy (but also though.. why not?) but it’s important to keep it in mind when interacting with anyone that they feel pain, are mortal, have fears, their heart is beating just like yours. It’s not all about you. They don’t notice, or even care, about every little mistake or misstep. They are too busy avoiding pain and and trying to do what’s right or best in any given moment, or trying to get what they want. Being shy around people is honestly an extra burden on them and is unfair when you think about it.

It may be easy to see this behaviour as selfish but consider their alternative to avoiding pain and trying to do what’s best.. it’s kind of a bum deal.

Just relax, learn to trust people with your ideas and they will appreciate the invite, even if it’s not always accepted. You’re not being watched.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#98

Post by dijit »

I was put through Assertiveness Training.

That’s a key phrase that you can probably google, there are many places that do it.

My course was quite intensive and took a while, but in the early stages it was defining what “assertive” means as opposed to “aggressive” or “passive”. Once you identify what’s different it can be easier to assert yourself.

Another part of the training was to make eye contact with strangers as you walk passed them, this was to get you used to making eye contact with people so that you could make eye contact during conversations comfortably.

It worked for me, I’m probably too assertive now though, as the way confidence (and assertiveness) work is that having more of it makes you have even more of it in a self-fulfilling cycle.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#100

Post by missedthecue »

Grustaf wrote: post #40
arturo40 wrote: post #30

Toastmasters Advantages include * can be in person or remote * safe, businesslike environment with well-defined structure * no need to talk about anything personal * supportive for the very shy - go at your own pace * also challenging for those who don't think of themselves as shy - but have trouble delivering a 7 minute memorized speech in front of a large audience judging their performance

That doesn’t sound like it would help with every day awkwardness, does it? I presume that’s what OP wanted help with.

I was in toastmasters for several years and it cured my shyness. People now compliment me on my ability to tell stories for instance. It's effected a noticeable change.
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