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A practical guide to reducing loneliness

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Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#91

Post by akiselev »

PrimalDual wrote: post #64
hombre_fatal wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most people here could benefit from talking to everyone and honing that skill, especially single guys, instead of just lambasting it as “small talk”. When you don’t talk to people, you throw out a great amount of serendipity in life. e.g. Most of my friends right now and women I’ve dated I’ve met in lines at the coffee shop, parking my rental bike at the dock, and other unlikely places. I wasn’t always that person so…

I agree with your approach to the point I think it’s the only way to really tackle loneliness and making friends. You just have to talk to strangers, often about nothing. Unfortunately for the less socially trained, the advice in the article seems pretty daunting. It reminds me of of the quote “people won’t remember what you said but they’ll remember how you made then feel”. I am pretty sure I’ve made a few people fe…

> Is there some way forward that doesn’t just involve eating the losses as a cost of learning?

I've always felt that Toastmasters and improv were good ways forward, depending on individual preference (formal/businessy vs comedic). The popular conception is that the former is all about public speaking and the latter comedy but most people I know who have gotten into either went to improve their general socializing/banter skill (I haven't participated in either, just relaying anecdata)

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#92

Post by mr-wendel »

bhalina wrote: post #78
csdtx wrote: post #29

Loneliness comes from a lack of community and people who you can trust. You will not build a community and find people who you can trust through small talk and involving yourself in groups that are based on transient interests that can be changed in an instant. There is a reason gangs and groups have some sort of hazing and acceptance ceremony.

But can you make real connections without small talk first?

Rightly said! Additionally, is worth getting good at enjoying small talk as a good way to get comfortable (and help others get comfortable!) in novel situations.

The goal isn't to imagine that every exchange is an opportunity to make a friend and build a relationship, although that is true. It is to build a respect and appreciation for reading and giving social cues.

At some point you will be faced with a great opportunities to connect with others. Nothing is worse than unwittingly making people responsible for your needs by being unable to empathize with others because you're so focused on trying to make it work and get your needs met.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#93

Post by sascha_sl »

mattgreenrocks wrote: post #35

Semi-related: I suspect a big draw of social media is that it resembles actual human communication while also conferring a lot more control to all parties. Vulnerability is not required. Communication is stripped of almost all of its context, and is often asynchronous. There is little expectation of any sort of real commitment. People are easily muted, unfollowed, and blocked. In sanitizing away the messiness of real…

> People are easily muted, unfollowed, and blocked.

But also, social media creates perfect conditions for such things to become necessary. Some people are especially easy to dehumanize. People say things to me on social media they wouldn't dare say to my face with irritating regularity.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#94

Post by jumaro »

s0rce wrote: post #32
csdtx wrote: post #29

Loneliness comes from a lack of community and people who you can trust. You will not build a community and find people who you can trust through small talk and involving yourself in groups that are based on transient interests that can be changed in an instant. There is a reason gangs and groups have some sort of hazing and acceptance ceremony.

I agree, I have never made a long standing connection with someone I've met while going to a store in a city. I've gotten to know store owners for stores I've frequented over years but not just randomly running into customers. It seems like most cities I've lived in you don't really just start talking to people randomly, maybe I'm just not very friendly but it seems like a survival instinct to avoid crazy folks.

I had a friendship of several years with someone I met at my local library. I don't think something like that is common, but it's not impossible either.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#95

Post by atum47 »

At a very young age I realized waking makes me happy. I know a lot of other exercises that burns fat more efficient, so I spent a lot of time trying to come up with something that justify a 2 hours walk. Eventually I stop trying to justify it. I just go for a walk listening to music. It may not be the best exercise for the body, but it does wonders for the mind.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#96

Post by mattgreenrocks »

sascha_sl wrote: post #93
mattgreenrocks wrote: post #35

Semi-related: I suspect a big draw of social media is that it resembles actual human communication while also conferring a lot more control to all parties. Vulnerability is not required. Communication is stripped of almost all of its context, and is often asynchronous. There is little expectation of any sort of real commitment. People are easily muted, unfollowed, and blocked. In sanitizing away the messiness of real…

> People are easily muted, unfollowed, and blocked. But also, social media creates perfect conditions for such things to become necessary. Some people are especially easy to dehumanize. People say things to me on social media they wouldn't dare say to my face with irritating regularity.

Yeah. I wouldn't advocate to remove those features due to the sheer amount of toxicity present on social media.

However, their existence reinforces the issues I brought up: it's too easy to cut people out because they said something slightly wrong, they reinforce filter bubbles, and they make it easy to see relationships formed via social media as easily replaced.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#98

Post by rhines »

hombre_fatal wrote: post #55
leetcrew wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

yeah it's just a rehash of the standard advice you always see in these kinds of articles/threads. > Simply put, be casual, not creepy, and read the room. this line gave me a chuckle at least. pretty sure this is the actual root of the problem for many lonely people. here's my guide to making friends: 1. have good social skills. 2. talk to people.

Well, your facetious advice is correct. Just switch the order. Talk to people -> build social skills -> talk to everyone -> find yourself in new friendships and relationships. Just consider the fact that if you’re lonely, doing more of the same isn’t going to help you. It’s easy to be dismissive, but you’re going to have to push your comfort zone to find change.

The trouble I have is that you have to start with a certain selfishness of wanting to improve your social skills even if it makes other people's days worse.

Like I'm not the most charismatic guy, and I know that if I try to make any sort of non-trivial conversation with someone I don't know well I will make them uncomfortable. Men will be bored or think I'm crazy, women will think I'm hitting on them, and I don't really feel comfortable using them as guinea pigs for my social development.

I'm all for pushing past my personal comfort zone to better myself, but when my self-improvement comes at the expense of others I can't help but hesitate.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#99

Post by dukeyukey »

elric wrote: post #44
FinanceAnon wrote: post #12

Very superficial advice. I don't see how small-talk with strangers can fix loneliness long term.

A bit of small talk with (for instance) the mail man or the cashier every once in a while, adds up to a sort of superficial relationship over time. I would be loathe to say to say that this offers a "fix" for loneliness, but I also wouldn't trivialise the value of these types of relationships.

And I just want to add, "superficial" does not mean bad. Weak connections (https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200701-why-your-weak-...) with people you see around can be powerful in combating loneliness.

Re: A practical guide to reducing loneliness

#100

Post by serjester »

DC1350 wrote: post #38
throwawayboise wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's how virtually every friendship starts, isn't it?

Never. Friendship comes from spending regular unstructured time with other people. It’s very hard to make real friends on purpose.

I met a very good friend of mine in line at a restaurant. I'd argue it all comes down to your mindset - I'm not even that extraverted. At least in the midwest this is incredibly doable and common.
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