Some people are uncomfortable with touchers. Should they set the rules? • Hacker News Board

Re: Some people are uncomfortable with touchers. Should they set the rules?

#91

Post by manicdee » Tue, Apr 16, 2019, 1:27 AM UTC

sethammons wrote: post #83

manicdee wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Probably because you have always been the oppressor.

Poor kid, picked on quite a bit. Nerdy. Never been too good with people aside from being nice. Have had to work hard to understand normal conversation flow and such. Have never felt comfortable or natural with touch from strangers. You can write what ever narrative you like about me being an oppressor that makes your world view cogent. Doesn't make it right.

If you are not comfortable with strangers touching you but you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with the little old lady in the grocer touching you, what’s actually happening there?

Is it something to do with power dynamics, and perceived threat?

Re: Some people are uncomfortable with touchers. Should they set the rules?

#92

Post by manicdee » Tue, Apr 16, 2019, 2:24 AM UTC

Veen wrote: post #82

manicdee wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are benefits to touching in social environments, agreed. The workplace is not a social environment. It brings together people who otherwise would never have shared the same space, so you need to be super cautious about establishing new relationships.

The original article isn’t limited to the workplace. And any environment in which humans come together is by definition a social environment.

Then the broader rules apply: watch for cues that your chosen form of interpersonal interaction is not welcomed.

The key is to look for cues, rather than blindly assuming everyone likes drunk men bear hugging them because you as a drunk man like bear hugging everyone.

Re: Some people are uncomfortable with touchers. Should they set the rules?

#93

Post by lmorchard » Thu, Apr 18, 2019, 6:46 PM UTC

Veen wrote: post #89

lmorchard wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you don't know a person, you don't know whether or not they find touch invasive. Don't touch them. You don't get to dictate boundaries for everyone else.

You appear to be making some unjustified assumptions. Namely that I’m defending my habit of touching strangers. In fact, I don’t touch people in social situations because I have a tendency to shyness. I do, however, find hugs and casual physical contact from other people pleasing and comforting. It’s a perfectly normal form of interaction. It would lessen the enjoyment I take in spontaneous social interactions, inclu…

You wrote "But you don’t get to dictate social norms for everyone else." My response of "you don't get to dictate boundaries" refers to that.

No assumption there, other than what you've been asserting about social norms as somehow justifying violating boundaries.

Doesn't matter that you have some anecdotal experience with the people you've asked. I've asked people about this in person and they seem to agree with me, so it's a wash.

And I'm sorry your enjoyment might be lessened, but maybe that's just a price you have to pay in a world where other people and their respective enjoyments & preferences exist.

Lots of people find hugs & contact both pleasing and comforting. Maybe there's even a general biological need for it. That doesn't generalize to suggest that unsolicited random hugs & contact with you in particular is necessary or welcome.