Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control • Hacker News Board

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#91

Post by matz1 » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 2:54 PM UTC

another-cuppa wrote: post #49

puranjay wrote: post #28

I would like to see an equivalent study on Indian weddings. All the people I know who got married recently spent between $50-$100k on their wedding. My own wedding was about $50k. Food alone was nearly $20k (over 1200 guests were invited - which was on the low end)

OK, but most people in the world simply can't afford that, so you must be an outlier.

Seems expensive but, don't forget, at least in chinese weddings you can recoup most of the expense back, from collecting the 'red envelope'. For some couple it even exceed the expense.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#92

Post by forkLding » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 2:56 PM UTC

murukesh_s wrote: post #73

yostrovs wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Attending weddings must be a frequent activity if you get invited when anyone within 3 or more degrees of separation is getting married. Really, how often does an average Indian attend weddings? Are expensive gifts expected?

Yes it is. Also for Hindus it's based on seasons(Auspicious months). During season period there could be 4-5 or more marriages a month, sometimes 2-3 happening on the same day. For distant relatives no gift is expected, but people do give cash(1000rs avg). For close relatives it's mostly gold. You are supposed to return equal or more than you received for your sons/daughters marriage. It can average 8gms of 22k gold…

Chinese choose auspicious monthes and days too although nowadays I don't think people care as much but I think some still do who want to have a bit of tradition.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#93

Post by matz1 » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 2:59 PM UTC

yostrovs wrote: post #66

murukesh_s wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh easy, I just attended a wedding reception where over 2500 were invited. It was one of the biggest I have seen but 1000 is normal. My father had 10 siblings and my mother 6. You got to invite all their relatives, kids and your own friends, you can easily cross 1000. I guess its the huge population in India and China.

Attending weddings must be a frequent activity if you get invited when anyone within 3 or more degrees of separation is getting married. Really, how often does an average Indian attend weddings? Are expensive gifts expected?

I'm not indian but before moving to usa, attending wedding is one of the common weekend activities.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#94

Post by logicchains » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 3:03 PM UTC

cm2012 wrote: post #87

liftbigweights wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Taking into account all the abuse she had to take from them, and their lazy and useless way of life, they're not getting a penny from me. Then why are you planning to marry "into the family" if you have such a low opinion of them? > Many people though feel powerless to resist and ruin themselves financially by paying it. If $10K is going to ruin you financially, you shouldn't be marrying anyone. Not that I agree wi…

You can marry someone and not marry their family. My korean wife and I both know her family is an abusive horror show and have subsequently cut them off.

I know a mainland Chinese person who completely cut off his own parents after they kept treating his wife poorly, a couple of decades ago when the country was much less developed. Culture is no excuse; a just person (for lack of a better word) is not going to tolerate their parents mistreating their partner, regardless of where they're born. People who accept terrible behaviour from family just because they're family only encourage them to continue such bad behaviour; terrible parents won't stop being terrible parents if they don't face any consequences.

The Chinese language even has a rude word for someone who slavishly obeys their parents, "走狗", literally meaning "running dog".

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#95

Post by matz1 » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 3:05 PM UTC

kown223 wrote: post #4

hkai wrote: post #2

I am planning to hopefully marry my girlfriend in the next couple of years and her parents are already asking for "at least a small amount like 10,000 USD", because "I'm white anyway", meaning I must be rich. Taking into account all the abuse she had to take from them, and their lazy and useless way of life, they're not getting a penny from me. Many people though feel powerless to resist and ruin themselves financial…

What happens if you don't pay? you need some written approval or what?

If her family is important for her, she probably break up with him.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#96

Post by throw930336 » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 3:18 PM UTC

majos wrote: post #50

throw930336 wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not too late. China is lucky in that they border a country with the opposite problem [1]: > One feature of the Russian-Chinese relationship seemed especially telling: Cross-border marriages are overwhelmingly between Chinese men and Russian women. Much of this has to do with demographics—Russia has a surplus of women, while China has too many men. In addition, the demographics issue might be overstated as many o…

Interesting point, I've never heard of this. Why are girls more likely to be the hidden children, though? Does cultural preference for a son mean "well, he's the favorite anyway, may as well make it official"?

It's more about logistics.

If the firstborn is a girl, the parents might try to have more kids until they have a boy. And if their family registry already says they have a kid, they might run into some bureaucratic issues that might prevent them from having more kids.

If their firstborn is a boy, they will just register him. And if they choose to have more kids after that, be it a girl or a boy, they are forced to leave them off the family registry. In this case, since they already have a son, they might not be too worried about running into issues.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#97

Post by Pica_soO » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 3:28 PM UTC

fastball wrote: post #86

adventured wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There were the famous studies from a few years ago in Israel and Germany that sparked a small cultural spat in the West about regretting motherhood and having a child being a source of immense unhappiness.[1][2] It's of course obvious why they generated so much outrage, centuries of propaganda about motherhood being bliss and the highest calling for women. To quote from the WaPo article below (some people may not be…

So is the solution for women to stop having children and for humanity to die off? Also, I think the study needs to be much more longitudinal than "2 years on". Arguably the pay off for having children comes much, much later. For some, the pay off doesn't really come until they have grandchildren. Yes, having children is often a monumental PITA. But humans are social animals, and nothing is really comparable to fill t…

Well look on imgur, they fill the holes with cats and dogs. Noahs ark with loony toons seems to be more social acceptable then having a normal family these days.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#98

Post by ThinkingGuy » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 3:30 PM UTC

geoffmunn wrote: post #21

watwut wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are gender imbalances destabilising historically? It woild be interesting to see the history. After wars there was lack of men in some areas. Excess of men was during gold rush, in Australia and is in silicon valley. (I am not sure how much it proves or disproved theory.)

As a positive twist, women got the vote in New Zealand partly because of fears that a surplus of rowdy men 'on the frontier' would cause problems. Giving women the vote would give families more leverage in Parliament.

We had a similar phenomenon in the US, with the "frontier" territories being among the first places to allow women to vote (at the local level), years before US Constitution was ammended to make it nation-wide.

https://constitutioncenter.org/timeline/html/cw08_12159.html

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#99

Post by jacquesm » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 3:35 PM UTC

puranjay wrote: post #28

I would like to see an equivalent study on Indian weddings. All the people I know who got married recently spent between $50-$100k on their wedding. My own wedding was about $50k. Food alone was nearly $20k (over 1200 guests were invited - which was on the low end)

What an utter waste of money.

Re: Marriage Costs in China Are Out of Control

#100

Post by jacquesm » Sun, Sep 30, 2018, 3:40 PM UTC

amrx431 wrote: post #85

namanyayg wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What city do you live in? I'm from Delhi and the situation is very different here for sure. And in India, the girl's family usually pays dowry (usually much more than $10k + gold jewelry) to the guy's family, so that's something literally opposite to China culture? As another commenter mentioned, the situation in metro is developed enough where you'll find a partner through love rather than status.

I am originally from Bihar but currently in Bengaluru. I know about the dowry but in my case its quite the opposite due to my caste. I am low caste(chamar) with no family. Any meaningful and prospective relationship shuts down as soon as my caste comes to light. Should I try moving to Delhi?Would my caste be an issue with girls and their parents from Delhi?

This caste bullshit should really die. You're a human being, not 'low caste', and so are they. As my grandmother used to say: "They all smell bad in the loo, no matter what airs they put on.".