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Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

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Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#91

Post by dataangel »

The best method for you probably varies based on _why_ you're socially inept. If it's because you haven't interacted enough with other people, then the advice others have given to get more experience makes sense. If it's because you're under confident or constantly worried about things the other person is thinking, you should work at getting rid of your insecurities.

The right course of action will then depend on the insecurity, but exercise and improved health generally boosted my confidence. If you experience anxiety over others judging you, consider that in most situations the person you're worried about probably isn't paying much attention to you, and even if they do notice you do something odd, they won't necessarily remember it; everything only revolves around you in _your_ head. Most of all, just get off your butt and do something about whatever bothers you -- if you're embarrassed by your long hair, get a haircut. A surprising number of my own insecurities were things like that -- easily fixable if I only took the time to calm down, consider them, and make a list of solutions.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#92

Post by OpenWebU »

yters wrote: post #66
petercooper wrote: post #46

Some great answers on here! Just wanted to give a contrary view though.. I tried becoming more "socially adept" for quite a while, but even though I can put on a pretty lively appearance on the outside, it's just not me. I'm an introvert and I accept that. One of the best bits of advice I've heard recently is to "focus on strengths, not weaknesses." That is, there's no point hammering away improving at things you're…

I think that's good advice, but I also do think I'm missing something. For some reason I am just not at ease around others, and I don't get it. I think I lack a sense of self, there's always a need for confirmation from others, not that you would think so if you knew me. Essentially, there is something missing and I feel disconnected from others. I cannot engage them on an intuitive level, I engage them on an analyti…

My brother just came back from the Hoffman Institute - an intensive 9 day seminar where they address how to have genuine and connected communications - picking up on patterns, and in a group therapy setting, reworking those patterns so you are reconnected... http://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#93

Post by DaniFong »

xlnt wrote: post #71
DaniFong wrote: post #51

Learn to genuinely like people.

there are a lot of replies kind of like this. but wouldn't it be better to learn to accurately judge people, and not socialize with people who aren't worthwhile?

There's a difference between not actively spending time with people because you have other things to attend to, versus because you don't like them.

I am often forced to judge people. But I don't like it. At a deep level, I am unsuited towards judging people negatively.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#94

Post by thingsilearned »

Use your hacker skills to analyze what makes people cooler or more personal than you. List those things, then execute solutions.

Things: wardrobe, humor, hair, attitude, conversation, hygene

Dating is a huge help. A girl will help you improve all of the above things.

WARNING: Don't apply hacker skills to understanding women (on anything more than a very high level). You'll hit a critical error.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#95

Post by yters »

wheeler wrote: post #86
yters wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The basic point is that I'm narcissistic and need to be brought out of myself. I say I don't really know, because I can't see it myself. But, that's par for the problem of narcissism:P

Like Soothsayer said earlier, I recommend you read a book about Myer-Brigg personality types in order to understand why other people behave as they do, why they expect you to behave in the same way, and why it's not your natural inclination to do that. Then you can accept who you are, and understand that you're always going to be acting to some extend when, e.g., engaging in small talk. A book would be better than an…

Now that I think about it, that's a good suggestion.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#96

Post by yters »

xlnt wrote: post #85
yters wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The basic point is that I'm narcissistic and need to be brought out of myself. I say I don't really know, because I can't see it myself. But, that's par for the problem of narcissism:P

that's sure taking the easy way out. "we can't give reasons because you have a sort of mild mental illness that prevents you from listening to any." you could ask them to give you reasons in text that you'll show a third party for evaluation. anyway, so far, i don't quite see why you'd listen to them about this particular issue.

Hmm, I'll try and push the issue more next time I talk with them.

The other reason is mere career progression, but I'm not especially keen on that either. I detest the artificial relationships of networking and the like. I'm of the opinion that I can easily be financially free in at most 5 years, so there is no need to make alot of money.

Maybe my real problem is a lack of courage to go with my own judgment. I'm confused though because my own judgment seems so much at variance with most people I know on this issue that it seems like I'm missing something.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#97

Post by Tichy »

yters wrote: post #64
epi0Bauqu wrote: post #7

What exactly is most troubling for you?

I don't know. I shut down around the more social, outgoing people. It's partially a vicious regression of awkward self consciousness, and feeling ashamed about said self consciousness. The other part is dreadful boredom, which I know sounds way arrogant, but I'm not saying I'm bored because I think I'm better (though that's part of it). I also seem to lack something, not sure what. I've heard about people with small…

Well, remember Paris Hilton's advice: to appear to be interesting, say as little as possible. So maybe you have the wrong perception of yourself, and appear more interesting to the social outgoing people than you realise - without jumping through hoops.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#99

Post by Dylanfm »

I understand what you are saying. I often find myself in situations where I don't have the confidence or care to involve myself in, or to initiate, a discussion. I spent a few years as a bartender and something I've learned is that you can always talk about the present. There are tons of things you share with another in any given moment, and often they are new experiences. Finding a common ground like that can be a great way to begin.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#100

Post by wehriam »

elai wrote: post #89
wehriam wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with jdavid - books on gender-related issues can be helpful. [The Game] is hysterical. Read the ones for guys and girls. Some others: [How to Succeed with Women] - Sounds cheesy, but goes over the basics that "geeks" often miss, including dressing appropriately, grooming, and polite conversation. [He's Just Not That Into You] - Manual for women on how to tell if a guy doesn't care about them. Useful for learn…

I disagree with self-made man. She confuses eye flirting with 'rude' eye contact, and other misunderstandings that would be unique to lesbians. Of course when the men don't want to flirt with you because they think your a guy, they don't try to keep eye contact with you! Something like self-made man could be counter productive, giving you negative social ideas that could make you even more awkward.

"Eye flirting" might be perceived as rude in the wrong context by people who aren't lesbians. Understanding that context is part of being socially adept.

There's a fine line between confident and creepy.

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