Is the implication of this article that people should be having kids to avoid loneliness? Because that's a bit of a twisted reason to have kids IMHO.
"Low on friends? Have kids! They're pretty much required to be your friends." Yikes.
The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
861–870 of 1001 posts
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#862Earlier quoted context omitted.
Have you tried meeting or just talking to anyone on Okcupid or Tinder? Or tried chatting with folks on Twitch?
Yeah, I met some women (mostly on OKC) a couple years ago. Went on about 5 dates with 5 different women. Only clicked with one; we setup a second date, and she cancelled on me last minute to say that she was getting back together with her ex. Honestly though, as much as I want to be with someone -- I don't know if it's the best time. I'm basically a depressed man-child, living on grant money and parental support. My…
The first step of solving the problem of being "a depressed man-child, living on grant money and parental support" is to recognize the problem. You did that.
Fixing the income source will help. Note that the women will be looking at long-term prospects, so being on a path to near-future graduation with a viable degree is about as good as actually having a good job. Since you are "supposed to be graduating next week", you are probably have a decent status right now. The better ones are wondering if you can reliably support a family for decades, not if you can buy them toys today.
There isn't much physical aspect of dating for most of the people who are serious about starting a family. For those people, that stuff still waits for after the wedding. Suggesting otherwise would be a red flag for them, and you might want to view it the same way. If you can get yourself to honestly view it that way, then you have a legit answer to any questions they may have about your experience.
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#863> Especially now that Uber has a STFU option I never understood why people are so against talking to the people that give them a ride. I once was in a very rough spot in my life and talking with taxi-drivers almost daily about the most trivial stuff (weather, politics, traffic) used to give me a very healthy reprieve from the black thoughts I used to have.
As a woman, there are definitely times I don't want to deal with a driver hitting on me. It happens annoyingly frequently, and it's this delicate social situation that requires more mental effort to negotiate than I want to give it. Friendly conversation (with men and women both) is fine and I've engaged in plenty. But if a driver is too busy telling me just how beautiful I am and as a result drives me to the cargo p…
> and it's this delicate social situation that requires more mental effort to negotiate than I want to give it
I understand what you're saying, and I recognize the blessing/curse that comes with attracting people.
However, as I've become an adult with a career and have left essentially all my friends behind, I've realized that making new friends is incredibly difficult. Even worse is trying to find dating partners. Lately I've been resorting to just talking to strangers and seeing if I can start a conversation.
Not to excuse the behavior of your drivers, but you should understand that men are having a difficult time with approaching women these days. We feel really inadequate and sort of aimless. The dating world is seriously dangerous right now and to be honest, there isn't a lot of guidance from women.
I've experienced a range of rejections and the least painful are always honest and upfront. Maybe you could try that?
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#864I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…
I had a bout of this about 20 years ago, so I made a rule for myself: I wasn't allowed to decline an invitation. If somebody proposed doing something together and I was able, I had to do it. That made a huge difference in my life. I did a lot of things that were... unexpected. (A few examples: I joined an ultimate frisbee league. I went skydiving. I joined a church group. I went to a strip club. I attended a wedding.…
I started something similar about 12 years ago...inspired by the movie “Yes man” I started saying yes to every opportunity that I came across.
Wanna have lunch together? Yes!
Wanna go out with us tonight? Yes!
Wanna help me move? Yes!
It really got me out of my shell and made me realize that the reason I was alone is because I was an asshole. People had been trying to include me all my life, but I had always declined :(
I am much better these days :)
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#865Earlier quoted context omitted.
Yeah, I met some women (mostly on OKC) a couple years ago. Went on about 5 dates with 5 different women. Only clicked with one; we setup a second date, and she cancelled on me last minute to say that she was getting back together with her ex. Honestly though, as much as I want to be with someone -- I don't know if it's the best time. I'm basically a depressed man-child, living on grant money and parental support. My…
The first step of solving the problem of being "a depressed man-child, living on grant money and parental support" is to recognize the problem. You did that. Fixing the income source will help. Note that the women will be looking at long-term prospects, so being on a path to near-future graduation with a viable degree is about as good as actually having a good job. Since you are "supposed to be graduating next week",…
I'm well aware of and willing to admit my problems, so that's sorted out. The job situation is a major source of anxiety for me, as I don't look good on paper, and I'm not confident in my abilities to do technical interviews. Furthermore, though I'll have a CS B.S. from a high ranking public uni come next week -- my GPA is terrible, I have no internship experience, almost no personal projects, and a criminal record in another state. Since I transferred to this uni, I became more reclusive and depressive; it's a miracle I'll even get the stupid degree.
As for the dating thing. I have no interest in starting a family, and I specifically don't want to date women who are adamant about that kind of life. There are a lot of things I want to do, and having children would destroy my chances (at least the way I see it).
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#866Earlier quoted context omitted.
Do you still follow this "never no" rule, or did you come to a point or change in your life to ease up or ease off?
I think it lasted about 6 months before I completely abandoned it, but I had started to cheat even before then. The main reason I quit was "mission accomplished". I had made new friends, discovered some social activities I enjoyed and was generally happier. But also I noticed some downsides. One was that people will exploit that rule, even if they don't know about it. That church group would have cheerfully turned me…
I was going to specifically ask how the "joined a church group" went because that seemed to be the example that had the most potential for being a slippery slope to a more complete change of life than you may have been looking for.
I have a family member that pretty much went all-in on came-to-it-later-in-life religion. It really felt like their susceptibility to loneliness was successfully exploited.
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#867I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…
Wow, this post made me feel very lonely !
I am in relatively similar situation : I have moved from Europe to SF.
I probably work too much and my main hobbies are movies, video games, books, etc .. all pretty lonely occupations.
Most of the time I don't really mind being alone, not at all, but sometimes it is a painful feeling.
I also have a pretty established routine : -working a lot -working out -watching some movies/playing -sleep
rinse and repeat.
I know I should probably volunteer to some associations doing good.
I do have a girlfriend .. but we are in a long distance relationship, so we can't always be there for each other.
Open to tips in orer to meet new people in San Francisco !
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#868I just skimmed the article and it all resonates with my experience as an immigrant in the US but I'm also going to point out that the way cities are built in the US plays a huge role in isolating people. In most american cities the spaces to aggregate without having to pay money (let's say a restaurant) are scarce or even absent. There's no benches on the side of the streets, because we fear that someone could sit on…
I'm not so sure about city planning being a large factor.
European cities are very different but we face similar problems. We have parks, you don't need to travel far (I grew up in a large city, now live in a small one right next to it, and have never had a car and never needed one) to get places, most people live in multi-family-homes and overly long commutes are the exception, not the rule.
I do agree with your last sentence though, and maybe it's the individualism that expresses itself more strongly in US cities because they are much younger, and more purpose built.
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#869Whatever it is today, I fear the future will be much worse. The most devastating existential consequences of loneliness can take decades to manifest. You feel a little lonely in your day to day life now, but wake up twenty years from now and realize you're socially isolated with no meaningful relationships or community and it's "too late" to make up the lost time. Most dangerous of all may be that online social netwo…
> Whatever it is today, I fear the future will be much worse. This is an easy trap for humans to fall into. "The sky is falling" type stuff. Humans have faced lots of problems over the millenia, but the reality is that our lives continue to improve as a whole..not get worse.
> Humans have faced lots of problems over the millenia, but the reality is that our lives continue to improve as a whole
That's untrue. Human civilizations tend to go through cycles. They rise, eventually stagnate, and then decline over the span of hundreds of years. The Akkadians, the Mycenaeans, the Romans, and the Maya all collapsed and the lives of people living in those empires got worse, often for a very long time.
It's reasonable to think that a similar type of decline is happening in the west today.
Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
#870If anyone lives in Seattle and is feeling lonely hit me up! I'll grab coffee with you any time. I'm 35 & a few years ago my loneliness spiraled out of control and almost killed me. I had a lot of crap from my late teens -> late 20's and it led me to a dark place. I know what it's like to be in that place. I got sober and turned things around. Now I work remote and have a flexible schedule. Life is good! I love the go…
My friend made an app for this, and it's live in Seattle - https://www.jointhaw.com/
ooh that looks sharp! nice design on the marketing page. I will have to try it out :D