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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#841
post #591

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There should be a shorthand phrase for "I agree with all parent nodes of this". Like a pseudo OOP-type syntax. +1 to everything above

Please don't do this. Vote instead. Vote-like comments such as "+1," "Disagree," and "This." take up vertical space and reading time. Yet they convey hardly any more meaning than a vote. Let the ranking and shading of comments reflect your opinion.

Check out the thread for context to understand what I was replying to (assuming this isn't an automated comment of some sort).

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#843
post #230

LOL. Getting old is 35. ONLY $500K in savings at 35. Such a sad story. So sorry for you, as most people are lucky to have saved $50K at 35 or even 55! Money has no meaning if you are feeling lost with $500K. Seriously though, my advice would be stop comparing yourself to others. Older or younger, married or single, successful or not, fit or fat. Know thyself. Go on a meditation retreat. You have nothing to lose and n…

Your broader post shows that you actually care to someone soliciting feedback and I know you didn't solicit any yourself but I hope I could add some value. You're trying to give the gift of perspective but the tone is just awful to receive, their feelings are valid whether they has $5, $500k or $5M in the bank, it's just a feeling based on their own goals and perspective. You can build much better relationships and p…

> That's what you were really saying anyway in the first 2 paragraphs.

Maybe it would be more effective but OP was not really saying the "I've felt that way too and it's really tough" part.

I have a problem with this 'lead with (fake) empathy' approach that at broader scale it makes it seem like EVERYONE has depression, imposter syndrome, etc.

There are many of us who are genuinely happy with where they are at life and it feels almost improper to share that publicly.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#844
You may need some therapy. To contrast: I'm 36, don't have 6-figure savings, no house, am married, but haven't lived in other countries or founded any startups, but I also value time with friends much more than career achievements.

Since my recent move to Minnesota I've been bummed out a bit due to isolation due to Covid, lack of sunlight, and a somewhat insular culture. I've been going to therapy to help out and it's been a big help. I've gone from feeling numb or like nothing matters, to just getting by, to being optimistic about my future now that I'm being tested for anxiety and ADHD.

I see that you're looking for an outside perspective with this post, but I suggest getting much more personalized help with a psychologist.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#845

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've noticed that everyone with kids tends to do two things: one is that they get along with other people who've had kids and they use that to create instant bonds of mutual understanding. And the other is that they take opportunities to convince those without kids to get kids. While I don't take offense, I do feel that there is usually an implication in there that someone without kids is somehow less trustworthy or…

I have two kids and I’ll be the first to tell people who ask that it’s not for everyone. First, maybe with climate change none of us should. Second, you have to be ready to stick with things even when you don’t think you can, like literally do not see a way through. It will break you. On the flip side you will learn more about what you are capable of and you will be responsible for this little magical person who will…

Haha there you go - that’s that opportunity that people with kids take that I was just talking about. ;)

But generally yes, everything you’re saying is 100% true and a valuable contribution to this type of conversation.

The thing I think about quite a bit is this: People with children will frequently bring up how much they’ve changed and matured after having kids. And I have seen this happen with many friends. But it’s also very difficult to really imagine the consequences of the lack of that decision. Because you don’t really have a clear view into that alternate timeline in which you don’t have the kids. What’s more we usually view that timeline as static - we don’t imagine ourselves continuing to change and evolve in it. “I was a irresponsible young adult right before kids so I would continue to be that irresponsible today if not for them.” But if you assume that just as much growth occurs in that other timeline, only in a different direction, then not having kids can be just as big and profound a decision as having them.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#846

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've noticed that everyone with kids tends to do two things: one is that they get along with other people who've had kids and they use that to create instant bonds of mutual understanding. And the other is that they take opportunities to convince those without kids to get kids. While I don't take offense, I do feel that there is usually an implication in there that someone without kids is somehow less trustworthy or…

Having kids and being a good parent can be really hard. Parents trying to convince others to have kids might be trying to validate their own choices. We do that all the time for trivial choices like iPhone vs Android, so it's expected that we'll do it even more for irreversible choices like having kids. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Oh I don’t - impressions of what others think aren’t worth the trouble of overthinking.

If anything it’s just interesting that this happens.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#847

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Pandas is a pretty fantastic tool for ETL.

Only if you've never used dplyr ;)

Awesome, thank you so much for the suggestion. That is one of the reasons why I am active on here.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#848
First, you sound depressed which is common when you reach a point in your life where you realise that you might not actually be living true to yourself (that’s the feeling lost part - something in you is making you feel acutely that you are not doing what you really want to be doing). My gentle advice is to take care of that because it’s probably dragging you down. You should probably talk with a therapist and start working out if you don’t already.

You also sound dangerously in need of self love. You obviously haven’t achieved nothing. You have held jobs in widely different environments. Tried to start a company multiple times and put aside a significant amount of money. Be gentle with yourself and try to cut yourself some slack.

Then I think you should realise you are not getting old. You are getting older like everyone else on this planet. There is no magic cutoff when you can’t do things anymore (I mean technically you might get unable to do them physically but you are still far from that). Do what you want. If you feel like going to festivals, no one is going to stop you. Some judgmental people might find it weird that you do things they consider inappropriate for your age but thankfully you don’t really have to care about judgmental people.

Finally, there is no miracle solution to feeling lost. You will have to ask yourself some hard questions (but a therapist should help you if you want to and need to) and figure out what you actually want to do with your life. Good news for you is that you are both single and somewhat rich. That gives you a lot of freedom.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#849

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> This could not possibly be true. The novelty you experience when doing something new must decrease over time. To say otherwise is to say the world is infinite, which it definitely is not. At some point the buzz one gets from the novelty of new experiences is not enough to make a satisfying life. That's when it's time to look for source of meaning for your life. It's different for everyone. For me and the OP it happ…

The worlds is big enough to keep finding new things! Not to mention all the new things that are constantly being invented! Recently I have been playing Flight Simulator in VR… just remembering how was to play Flight Simulator 95 back on the days to how it is now my mind is blown! Or better… with a bunch of friend we started enhancing our DnD sessions with very cool AR glasses that we got as backer of a very nice kick…

> we started enhancing our DnD sessions with very cool AR glasses that we got as backer of a very nice kickstart!

Sounds really cool, what product is it?

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#850

Might be wrong but this sounds more like depression to me than aging. I've had a few bad ~6 month bouts of this and always the strongest symptom was a total lack of interest in things that I know I used to enjoy very much. It seems to happen to me once every 5 years or so (I'm 49). Personally, drugs and CBT never helped me with these. They might help you. I mostly just put my head down and kept coding for work and di…

Do you exercise? That might help you get out of those 6 month bouts faster (or prevent them from coming)
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