> And as far as I'm aware, there are no other legally compelled utterances that bar ordinary citizens from all online communications at the moment.

It does not bar all online communications. The law simply says the OS must provide some way for the account to have a set age and provide it to services that need that information. If a service doesn't need that information, there is no compelled utterance. COPPA and GDPR both require compelled utterances online for certain services as well.

Good luck finding a lawyer to take your case.