Great things often come out of rejection, failure, disappointment. Problems need solutions, etc.
By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
81–90 of 110 posts
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#82Earlier quoted context omitted.
Except women are people, not inanimate objects to bounce balls off of. Those women did not choose to participate in SeanDav's practice, and it was not cost-free to them to be used and discarded that way. More to brazzy's point, SeanDav doesn't get to decide how he comes across to people. Pretty young women get hit on constantly and it is really exhausting and demoralizing to be rudely interrupted every five minutes w…
Indeed, better that SeanDev have suffered a lifetime of loneliness and social anxiety than an attractive woman suffer through even a single socially awkward moment. God knows their lives are hard enough already.
My question would be, what's a real alternative to practice making perfect, done in the way that best respects the person being asked out and their physical integrity?
"Not doing anything at all" seems unrealistic, in a world where males are essentialized as the pursuers and women as the pursued, an unfortunate but for now real state of affairs.
"Simply will yourself to normalcy!" is almost offensive to me, since it simultaneously ignores the lived experience of the person feeling it and puts moral censure on the addressee--if there's some issue X in your life, it's entirely your fault. It's like telling someone that the only reason they aren't financially successful is that they're lazy.
I'm all ears, seriously, especially after the Scott Aaronson/Alexander debacle a couple weeks ago. It seems like a real issue in our society.
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#83Earlier quoted context omitted.
That's a bit (I admit not entirely) like saying that "Maybe all those free-throws you practiced between games didn't score us any actual points." 100% of the women he didn't ask did not give him his number. The exercise served the purpose of pushing him past the fear that would have otherwise paralyzed him during a real request.
Except women are people, not inanimate objects to bounce balls off of. Those women did not choose to participate in SeanDav's practice, and it was not cost-free to them to be used and discarded that way. More to brazzy's point, SeanDav doesn't get to decide how he comes across to people. Pretty young women get hit on constantly and it is really exhausting and demoralizing to be rudely interrupted every five minutes w…
>Why couldn't he get phone numbers from unattractive girls, or boys?
A charitable assumption is that he thought approaching unattractive women wouldn't sufficiently affect his anxiety when speaking to attractive women and decided the benefit for him would outweigh the aggregate cost for them. As for asking men for their phone numbers, I assumed he either never considered it or feared being attacked in response (reasonably).
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#84Well, it's a great way of finding out what people really think about you. Obviously, this cannot work on a large scale, because a lot of what society does is making sure that people NEVER find out what they think about each other.
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#85Earlier quoted context omitted.
That's a bit (I admit not entirely) like saying that "Maybe all those free-throws you practiced between games didn't score us any actual points." 100% of the women he didn't ask did not give him his number. The exercise served the purpose of pushing him past the fear that would have otherwise paralyzed him during a real request.
Except women are people, not inanimate objects to bounce balls off of. Those women did not choose to participate in SeanDav's practice, and it was not cost-free to them to be used and discarded that way. More to brazzy's point, SeanDav doesn't get to decide how he comes across to people. Pretty young women get hit on constantly and it is really exhausting and demoralizing to be rudely interrupted every five minutes w…
Pretty young women get hit on constantly and it is really exhausting and demoralizing to be rudely interrupted every five minutes while out in public
Holy hyperbole. I have two sisters that are very pretty and their chief complaint growing up was that men were too intimidated by them and never hit on them.
As a 6'7" man I cannot walk anywhere without being "rudely interrupted" as you say by people bringing up my height. It's the same old thing - "Wow, you're tall!" "Did you play basketball?" "How tall are you?" "Are your parents tall?" "Hey Giant" "Hey Too Tall" "Hey Stretch". Unlike you though I don't think it's rude. I think it's an attempt to initiate a conversation.
I think you're taking those staged "street harassment" videos too seriously.
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#86Earlier quoted context omitted.
You're digging at that "everyone is unique" vibe, or "everybody wins." I don't really think it's relevant. I think when people say that, it's typically along the lines of "that person is very [attractive|smart|rich|combo] and could have any of millions of partners at will. I'm unremarkable in all [perceivable|probably-important-to-them] ways, so it's an extreme longshot to pursue them." Doesn't mean they're not wrong…
> But they might want to optimize for "people in their league," especially if the fear of rejection is in them like the guy in OP. I think folks should try not to worry about that too much: http://imgur.com/gallery/eo5oq
I agree. Optimize for what's important to you, nothing more. Eventually you'll find someone that's got everything that's important to you, where you have everything that's important to them...
The real trick is to optimize what's important to you and realize that most of the stuff that society/the media would have you think is important is really just meaningless shit. What matters is your connection with each other, do you have complementary perspectives, goals, motivations, desires and dreams? Do you make each other laugh? Do you enjoy each others company? The rest is just superficial nonsense.
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#87Earlier quoted context omitted.
Except women are people, not inanimate objects to bounce balls off of. Those women did not choose to participate in SeanDav's practice, and it was not cost-free to them to be used and discarded that way. More to brazzy's point, SeanDav doesn't get to decide how he comes across to people. Pretty young women get hit on constantly and it is really exhausting and demoralizing to be rudely interrupted every five minutes w…
Indeed, better that SeanDev have suffered a lifetime of loneliness and social anxiety than an attractive woman suffer through even a single socially awkward moment. God knows their lives are hard enough already.
Sometimes the girl will feel good and confident the whole day after receiving a compliment, as long as it is in a polite and respectful way, even when they ignore it or roll their eyes to it...anyway it's a delicate matter.
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#88Well, it's a great way of finding out what people really think about you. Obviously, this cannot work on a large scale, because a lot of what society does is making sure that people NEVER find out what they think about each other.
It seems to me, though, that if we did, we wouldn't care. Sure it would bother me if two people I work with whom I respect told me what they truly thought of me and it was incongruous with my expectation of what they thought of me. But I think if I found out what EVERYONE thought of me it would quickly stop caring.
But I guess to your point, if that happened then structures of society would break down. Still, I'm not sure that would be a bad thing necessarily since at the very least we'd start being completely honest with one another. Kind of makes me thing of the movie The Invention Of Lying.
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#89Very good article, but I would say that exposure therapy has limits. I live in an area with lots of rattlesnakes and am terrified of them. I'm certainly not going to risk a venomous bite to get over my fear.
I think the idea is that exposure therapy helps you get over irrational fears. Fear of a venomous snake isn't really irrational.
Actually generalized fear of the venemous snakes is irrational. It's an overgeneralization. You should be afraid of stepping on or near a snake by accident. But if you are 20 feet away from a rattlesnake who is aware of your presence, you are not in any danger.
Re: By Making a Game Out of Rejection, a Man Conquers Fear
#90Very good article, but I would say that exposure therapy has limits. I live in an area with lots of rattlesnakes and am terrified of them. I'm certainly not going to risk a venomous bite to get over my fear.
I think the idea is that exposure therapy helps you get over irrational fears. Fear of a venomous snake isn't really irrational.
I believe this is correct. Fear of a snake isn't irrational because it resides in a very primitive part of our brain. But when that fear becomes prohibitive and makes it difficult for you to do every-day things then it has become irrational. That's where exposure therapy can be successful. Its not going to eliminate that primitive fear. That's almost instinct in humans at this point. But it is going to make it so you can watch TV without worrying about seeing a snake on it. Or, rather, make it so you don't care that there's a snake on it I guess.