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Everything is my fault

sivers.org

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81–90 of 106 posts

Re: Everything is my fault

#81

Post by j_baker »

edw519 wrote: post #66

So do you want to know the real reason I cut those chapters?...I this...I that...I something else...(I could list another 20 of these, but you get the idea.) Lots of good stuff here, but I never found the reason I would most hope for: No one gives a shit. In business, we all see it every day: who did this, who did that, who said what, who was right, who was wrong, who is hurt, who is angry, blah, blah, blah. The goss…

I agree implicitly. I've seen all kinds of drama play out, and at the end of the day, it never really matters. I've learned to just tune it out. It's best just to accept that you approached the situation the best you could, and figure out where to go next.

Re: Everything is my fault

#82

Post by neumann_alfred »

skybrian wrote: post #51
bpatrianakos wrote: post #45

This is not a good thing. In the context of the article it seems more like a defense mechanism than anything else. Yes, it's good to take responsibility and people don't do it as often as they should but to take on the mentality that everything is your fault is unhealthy. In this context it looks like it stems from a need to be powerful and in control all the time. The truth is, we can only control efforts, not outco…

Natural disasters aren't a great example, because we can and should prepare for them. As the saying goes, "earthquakes don't kill people, buildings do."

I lost my father as a kid because he crashed into a truck that broke down on a freeway in fog and had defective tail-lights. Maybe there is something he could have done, but what exactly could I have done? Mind you, I am not complaining at all, and I'd rather loose a cool guy than live with an asshole father. But I also saw people die of cancer, and not just the obvious "smoke, get lung cancer" kind. And I could go on.

I still agree with the blog post and loved it to bits. Simply because blaming others seems to be a default position for many (I know it often is for me), and it truly is a trap. Seeing it from another perspective is refreshing and vital. And it is always, always true (that it's our fault) when it comes to our inner state, to how we feel and think about what happens, and, last but never least, of how we treat others. Of that we are truly the masters -- but even there you could mention deception, (involuntary intake of) drugs or brain defects. So, it's not that simple.

Life can also be cruel and random and there is fuck all you can do about it other than suffer and/or die. Accepting that and still saying yes to life is kind of a superpower, too.

Re: Everything is my fault

#83

Post by delackner »

I have been doing roughly this for a few years now. It isn't always possible to achieve, but it is incredibly effective if you can get beyond thinking about who is at fault, who is guilty, who has wronged you.

Looking at my own behavior, it is almost always possible to find something I could have done differently that would have avoided an undesirable outcome. Over time this has improved my intuition of whether certain actions are better avoided, even if doing them is theoretically something that should be just fine.

Concrete example: you could complain about getting hit by a car yesterday, or you might re-examine what was so important that you decided that driving two hours a day was a good idea.

Re: Everything is my fault

#84

Post by lnanek2 »

A lot of times you and your behavior are the only variables you have to work with. Something might actually be mostly due to someone else, but you can't control that someone else very well, so changing yourself is better to work on even if it would have less result.

Re: Everything is my fault

#85

Post by shurane »

tossacct wrote: post #79
paul wrote: post #44

This is a great attitude because it moves the locus of control from outside of yourself ("I'm a helpless victim of everyone else") to inside ("this is my fault"), which is generally a more productive mindset since it puts you in control of your life. Obviously if you then translate that control into guilt, it breaks down badly, but I don't think that's what he's advocating.

You offered two possible attitudes: "nothing is my fault" and "everything is my fault", then stated that the second was a "generally more productive mindset". It doesn't matter, because the most productive mindset is this: step 1 - Here is a problem. [goto 2] step 2 - Do we need to assign blame at this moment? If yes [goto 3]. If no [goto 4] step 3 - Assign blame [goto 4] step 4 - Is this a problem I should be involv…

Wow, effective flowchart. I should try following this. Is this something you came up with?

Re: Everything is my fault

#86

Post by polskibus »

I'm not an expert on psychology, but just skimming Kahneman's book will tell you that focusing on negatives will be detrimental to your mental health and long-term performance. Flogging yourself may ease your pain but is not that different from teenagers cutting their body to occupy themselves with pain instead of facing the problems.

Re: Everything is my fault

#87

Post by daeken »

te_chris wrote: post #43
killahpriest wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Reminds me of Kevin Rose blaming Digg's failure on waking up one day to realize that everybody in his company was a B/C employee. http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2352521

So he collectively blames all his staff for his failure? Nice, really nice.

No, that's missing the point. The quality of your staff is 100% your responsibility as a CEO; if you realize that everyone is B or C level, then you've failed as CEO.

Re: Everything is my fault

#89

Post by stkni »

The article only recommends accepting blame for things that you are involved in. I would go a bit further than the article and accept the blame for things that had nothing to do with me.

Choose the moments to accept the blame carefully, like when no one else will accept it. In my experience, the consequences have never been bad and most people kind-of know you're taking one for the team and respect it. It defuses issues quickly and everyone can get on with fixing the problem.

I think this is what some Americans might refer to as being a stand-up guy. The only thing that surprises me is that this is news to anyone.

Re: Everything is my fault

#90

Post by Ygg2 »

ivosaurus wrote: post #54
bpatrianakos wrote: post #45

This is not a good thing. In the context of the article it seems more like a defense mechanism than anything else. Yes, it's good to take responsibility and people don't do it as often as they should but to take on the mentality that everything is your fault is unhealthy. In this context it looks like it stems from a need to be powerful and in control all the time. The truth is, we can only control efforts, not outco…

The mindset isn't simply about seeing yourself as the sole cause of all your problems, and going crazy there after. That's the literal view of Derek's post, and it's completely naive one. The opposite view is just as unhealthy - seeing yourself as the constant victim; it will equally get you nowhere. Civers is not a dumb enough guy to advocate either of these extremes. It's about creating a mindset that enables you t…

Yeah, I can see how he is taking a healthy worldview and stretching it to it's unnatural heights. I'm talking about a 'guy that stole 9000$' line. That example struck me as odd.

I've had my mother get mugged on her way to home (no money stolen, but some psychological trauma). Was there anything she could have done? Learn to defend herself? I doubt it. Sometimes things are still beyond our control.

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