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Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

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Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#81

Post by Geste »

CobaltFire wrote: post #34

I read the article and fight with this from a different angle. My son was diagnosed with cancer at 3, then during chemo it became abundantly clear that he had far more severe autism than we originally thought. Could have been made worse by the chemo and trauma; no real way to know. Now my wife and I have had to give up all the dreams we had for when I retired from the military. A few good moves means that I actually…

You will never know what could have been, only know that you were a wonderful parent for stepping up to such a challenge.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#82

Post by strken »

dvt wrote: post #44
happytoexplain wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I somewhat agree, but I think a person's "passion" is more concrete than their "dream". A dream is not necessarily something being actively progressed.

Athletes, artists, entrepreneurs say "this has been my dream" all the time when achieving something superlative. But you qualified with "necessarily" so I guess technically you're correct, but it would be kinda' weird if someone told me that "X is their dream" and never did anything about it, especially if it's relatively achievable (i.e. not "going to Mars" or something). Getting decent at snowboarding isn't some cr…

Why would it be weird? My grandmother dreamed of being a school teacher, never did it, and talked about it until she died. The closest she ever got was teaching Sunday School for a few months.

It's common to have a dream and do nothing concrete about it. That's part of why we call it a dream. Sometimes it's less about the thing itself and more about the unfulfilled and unrealistic expectation.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#83

Post by Geste »

smallnix wrote: post #16
renegade-otter wrote: post #15

As I always say - do what you will regret NOT doing once you are old.

I think my old self will want my younger self to have had done lots of things I don't want to do now. Future me can suck it. I'll be selfish in the moment. This is like watching videos of old folks saying: "I wish I took better care of my teeth". Right, cause thats what matters a lot to you now. The lesson to be learned is that what you want from life changes. You shouldn't prioritize the needs of a future version of…

>Future me can suck it.

So...You will suck it ?

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#84

Post by markus_zhang »

cmrdporcupine wrote: post #74
markus_zhang wrote: post #68

Having kids really helps with making peace with unlived dreams. You simply are too tired to even think about those dreams. You are lucky if you can get one night of good sleep —- and trust me a good sleep when you have kids is different from a good sleep before that.

Maybe you're there already, but there's a transition that happens when your kids become (quite suddenly and strangely unexpectedly) adolescents. And then many of us have found ourselves staring at the past 15 years wondering where it all went. There's a deep meaning to be found in comforting a crying child in the night, changing their diaper, preparing their meals, etc. Can be a total grind, fatiguing, but you're liv…

When do you think the transition happens? For me (I never had very good relationship with my parents) it started from maybe Junior high school but really picked up around sophomore Senior high school when I got completely confused about life (TBF at 40+ still a bit confused).

Does that "deep meaning" come to you when you look back, or you felt it when it happened? I have to say I didn't find much meaning in all that grinding, guess that's because I'm never good with human-beings, so I'm frustrated by little tornadoes. My son is almost 6 now so there is some meaning to be found when we do things altogether, but frankly we share very few hobbies and such so it's mostly like throwing darts and see which one sticks.

But all in all, I guess I'm just the kind of person who are not good with persons and who are totally fine to be left alone. I don't even know why I get married -- guess it's just something that everyone does so I did it anyway. Hell, I've been confused by myself since high school and have never truly gotten out of that confusion.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#85

Post by shermantanktop »

trick-or-treat wrote: post #79
shermantanktop wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure, I was being extreme. The danger is getting stuck, like in “Glory Days” by Springsteen, or Brando in “On the Waterfront.” People especially get stuck on their high school years.

Thinking of happy memories sounds like a perfectly healthy activity to me, TBH

Sure. I won’t be 16 again and I look back fondly on that too.

IMO it’s a problem if doing that stops you from making new happy memories. Life is for living.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#86

Post by [deleted] »

cladopa wrote: post #40

As someone that has done snowboarding and skying in Central Europe, the paradise of snowboarders and have been friend of profesionals, you probably don't want to be one of them. It is one thing to go carving whenever you want, where you want because you have a good job outside it. Another totally different thing is spending all your time training. Most people will hate that. Everybody wants to be a tennis player when…

[deleted]

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#87

Post by grogenaut »

adithyassekhar wrote: post #78
stouset wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m curious why you say you know some of those things will never happen. It’s certainly possible that if you’re extremely tall you probably won’t fit comfortably in some sports cars. And there are some medical conditions that preclude any kind of participation in martial arts. But barring those, is it possible you don’t know those things but are instead conceding them?

Jeremy Clarkson is a really tall guy.

Jeremy Clarkson in a F1 car https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOh77dwAr54. There's a reason they had hammond try that.

I could barely get in or out of the original tesla roadster. I had to go out on my hands. Was fun to drive. My feet just didn't make it out the door sills sideways. Same thing for the back of a jeep cherokee in the late 90s.

I'm 6'2" and have size 13 feet. I'm not making my shoulder, hips, or feet smaller without a hammer.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#88

Post by keithnz »

stego-tech wrote: post #50

It’s the not-knowing that is the most haunting. I know I’ll never be able to take martial arts; I have made peace with that. I know I will never be an amazing athlete; I have made peace with that as well. Same with my body composition: I will never be rail-thin, I will never “fit” into most “fun” cars even when I finish my weight loss journey, I will never be the kind of guy who can fit into a Medium of anything clot…

The article is a bit off base IMHO. That guy could go snowboarding, he just thinks the warning he got creates a risk that isn't worth it. It sounds to me he hasn't even thought much about risk mitigation, or alternatives, etc. So really he's talking about letting go of a non serious fantasy that he has. 'Dream' is a bit of a wishy washy term... you could call that fantasy a dream, but you could also call things you are really determined to achieve a dream also. As long as something is possible, then its potentially achievable. Sometimes you have to go down paths where things only "might" be possible before really knowing if it is actually achievable. If things are important to you, go down "might be possible" paths unless the pursuit of that is detrimental in other significant ways.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#89

Post by renegade-otter »

georgemcbay wrote: post #30
renegade-otter wrote: post #15

As I always say - do what you will regret NOT doing once you are old.

> As I always say - do what you will regret NOT doing once you are old. IMO whether or not this is good for self or society depends a lot on what you value and thus think you will regret. On its own it is neither positive or negative and has to be combined with a lot of self-reflection and an innate sense of goodness to be useful. Regret minimization is an oft-cited mantra among a lot of the current crop of centibill…

I can see how my advice could be read the wrong way in this post-shame world.

No, I do NOT mean "be an asshole if you feel like it".

I mean it more in the latter sense - take a vacation, go to Pompey. Say hello to the girl you like and see what happens. It's something you can do now, so later you don't replay it endlessly, wondering what would have been.

Also, no billionaire right in the head will be bemoaning not having more billions while on their deathbed.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#90

Post by jdswain »

firefoxd wrote: post #47
CobaltFire wrote: post #34

I read the article and fight with this from a different angle. My son was diagnosed with cancer at 3, then during chemo it became abundantly clear that he had far more severe autism than we originally thought. Could have been made worse by the chemo and trauma; no real way to know. Now my wife and I have had to give up all the dreams we had for when I retired from the military. A few good moves means that I actually…

I'm in a similar boat. I had a startup, connections, was featured in the right places. I got married, and my wife had complications. 6 weeks in the NICU, wife's health has only gone down hill since. Now I'm running between programs for special need for my twins. From time to time, I struggle with my dreams, but I'm also pretty good at lying to myself. I still manage to get things done to advance my dreams.

Make sure you look after your own health too, if you lose that it’ll be a lot harder to help those around you.
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