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I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

elliot.my

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Re: I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

#81

Post by direwolf20 »

krapp wrote: post #79
direwolf20 wrote: post #73

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do we know men and women don't just operate by instinct? Bears are smart. They can't design bearproof trash cans for national parks because the smartest bears are smarter than the dumbest national park visitors.

>How do we know men and women don't just operate by instinct? Because we define "instinct" in a way that separates the behavior of animals from humans and we have evidence from both personal experience and observing the behavior of other higher primates that humans are capable of operating beyond their instincts, for instance by creating social and political abstractions which optimize for things other than survival…

Humans are known to come pre-wired to learn languages and to strive for social status (which explains art, politics, philosophy, law and so on) — what is that if not instincts?

Re: I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

#83

Post by archagon »

aipatselarom wrote: post #58
elliotmy wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hi there – author of the post here. I included this quite intentionally. I consider rape and sexual assault to be one of the worst things one human can do to another – just behind murder and torture. And yet society is littered with it. Ask any woman (and some men), she'll more than likely have a story. And it should be obvious: don't sexually hurt people! I _shouldn't_ need to include this in a simple list of rules…

The issue is not if it's a good/bad thing. We all know that. The issue is that is neither common nor a natural thing for men to "struggle not to rape someone" as much as you think it is. While your intentions might be good, and I do believe that, it reads like some sort of freudian slip. Imagine if someone wrote "hey guys, let's be honest, I don't really like this thing of urinating on your food before eating, can we…

Frankly, there are far too many men who have one foot in the “rape is OK” camp. (Framed as “you have to be forceful even if she’s reluctant,” “if she’s drunk or passed out it’s still OK,” “society owes me sex,” etc.) Just look at the insane popularity of Andrew Tate. I think it’s a salient point.

See also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_culture

Anyway, I’d reframe the advice as “be (actual) friends with women and stay the fuck away from the manosphere.”

Re: I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

#84

Post by IAmBroom »

K0balt wrote: post #71
notachatbot123 wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Nope, that's not true.

If you mean, by reporting statistics, you’re probably right. But men in general are widely used to physical abuse and are expected to take it. Granted, it is rarely significantly harmful and women use it as a way to reassure themselves that men are “in charge “ or whatever, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is vile behavior. Men’s behavior is as much shaped by female expectations as the behavior of women is mo…

Your assertion, which feels "right" to you, is by your own admission unprovable with available reporting facts.

Give up that assertion. Violence in relationships can go both ways. Neither sex gets to "win" here.

Re: I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

#85

Post by elliotmy »

UncleMeat wrote: post #66
elliotmy wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hi there – author of the post here. I included this quite intentionally. I consider rape and sexual assault to be one of the worst things one human can do to another – just behind murder and torture. And yet society is littered with it. Ask any woman (and some men), she'll more than likely have a story. And it should be obvious: don't sexually hurt people! I _shouldn't_ need to include this in a simple list of rules…

Rape culture is real. Sexual violence is common. Serious feminist liberation has to come with the total dismantling of rape culture. "Men who don't rape really do want to rape and just exert enormous self control over their intense desire to rape" is not the conclusion to draw from this. The fact that you seem to think that this is fairly universal to men tells us something about you that is worrying to many readers.…

Fair criticism on the framing. I meant it as: “If you ever feel tempted to do sexual things that would betray, coerce, or exploit someone – don’t. Remove yourself, get help if needed, and never make your urges someone else’s problem.”

I absolutely don’t mean “men who don’t offend are merely restraining themselves from offending”. That framing is both inaccurate and unfair. Most men aren’t sitting on violent impulses; they simply don’t want to harm anyone.

The point I was aiming for was narrower: sexual harm, cheating, and boundary-crossing still exist at scale, and some men *do* rationalise it (including sexual assault, coercion, entitlement, misuse of status, infidelity, etc.) The point was meant as a warning to take it seriously if you have these feelings, not a description of universal male psychology.

That said, I accept the phrasing invited misreading. If I were rewriting it, I'd be more precise.

Re: I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

#88

Post by IAmBroom »

imjonse wrote: post #35
ap99 wrote: post #10

> Eating meat is quite clearly immoral. Unless it will be detrimental to your health, eat as little as possible. Carnivorous animals, are they immoral?

1) Animals do not (pretend to) have morals, unlike humans 2) Carnivores do not have a choice of food, humans have great alternatives, being omnivores not carnivores.

Citation required.

For both, really. Wild wolves are actually omnivores (choice of food), but generally choose to act like obligate carnivores.

Re: I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

#89

Post by IAmBroom »

mbeavitt wrote: post #30

> Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from. The funny thing I find about criticism is that you actually don’t have a choice about whether or not it affects your future actions. Criticism that I have dismissed has persistently come back to haunt me, perhaps via my subconscious.

We care so much that we even care about the opinions of those we do not care about.

Or, as Marcus Aurelius put it, "It never ceases to amaze me, we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own."

Re: I'm 34. Here's 34 things I wish I knew at 21

#90

Post by IAmBroom »

3. Fear of being cringe will stop you living fully. Get over it.

This happened to me at age 40, when a 24yo advised me that some thing I owned, wore, or said made me look uncool. "The difference between 40 and 24 is that you care what looks uncool to 24yos."

24. One day your parents' names will be spoken more often in memories than in conversations. Every word shared with them now is a gift. Don't wait. Create a recurring calendar entry for coffee with your Dad. Visit your Mum every Friday. Force it. Squeeze it in. It will become one of your biggest regrets if you don't.

I'm happy it is a good lesson for you, but do not claim this is one-size-fits-all advice. Some of us have abusive, ugly parents, and are plenty tired of being lectured about how "you're going to regret not making amends with them!" No I fucking won't. Again - good for you, and I'm not saying you said this applied to me.

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