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Maybe you’re not trying

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Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#81
post #55

Great post! I find that this happens when I want to do something The Right Way, but don’t have a clear path, nor the energy to figure one out. For example I want a nice winter wardrobe, but first I have to figure out what I like, what is trendy, where to buy it, what will suit the weather. I am wholly unprepared for it. Suddenly it’s a whole ordeal, so I just wait. In another category - art - I had to learn to be oka…

> Socialising is the same. You get better at it through practice. Practice is fun, it makes you do fun things and meet fun people.

Not for all of us, though. For some, socializing is considerable pressure.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#82
post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you want to stay the same and not become better at something, you are correct. Competition is many times about challening yourself, failing, learning from that failure, and eventually succeeding.

You do not have to compete with yourself, or anyone, to get better. Getting better comes from collaborating : - Being attentive to your practice (i.e. recording, going over your work, etc.) - Asking, and taking the advice of other people in your field (i.e. find places where there are people older than you who have done the same tasks, and consult with them) - Being exposed to diversity of thought (i.e. teams more di…

"Being attentive to your practice (i.e. recording, going over your work, etc.)"

If you practice the same thing over and over, you won't get better. If you fail, figure out what you did wrong, and improve, that's competition.

"Asking, and taking the advice of other people in your field"

I will agree with you here.

"teams more diverse in culture, race, and gender,

'diversity of thought' has nothing to do with race, gender, or culture. I've found that many companies will use inferior ideas just to say that they are 'diverse'.

You also have to be careful, because when you take too many ideas from people that lack experience/expertise, you have to tune out the noise.

I do agree you need to get a wide array of ideas, though, regardless of race, culture, or gender.

"in a game jam session, you're collaborating with those around you to produce lots of interesting and good art."

This isn't competition, and there is a place for it..but this isn't really what we are discussing.

"another perspective, a second pair of eyes, the well-worn advice of the 40yro burned out techies"

Most learning like this happens if you get stuck on something and don't want to spend lots of time on it (although failing until you succeed will allow you to learn 5X more).

However, to take what you learned and actually improve, takes competition.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#83
I wonder if the inverse rule for this is “how to know when quitting is more effective than trying” - because I think that often times, and especially for folks who can be incredibly persistent when they put their mind to something, it’s helpful to have a cost benefit analysis of your efforts and it might just be that in more cases than not, just not trying actually resolves the core problem your trying to solve.

I really enjoyed this article and it really resonated with me, which made me wonder if it is actually an evolutionarily selected solution in a way - like that ignoring something turns out to be a surprisingly effective form of triage for many situations? Obviously the cases where this doesn’t hold are what the article is addressing but I found it fascinating to think about why that approach might be so common.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#84
post #32

> It seems like, by default, you are stuck with whatever level of resourcefulness you brought to a problem the first time you encountered it and failed to fix it. Brilliant.

Reminded me of Einstein: > We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them

Since I assume you would be interested to know, this quote seems almost certainly misattributed to Einstein and seems to have been made up by Ram Dass [1]. Though I would be happy to be proved wrong if you have a source

[1] https://hsm.stackexchange.com/questions/7751/did-einstein-sa...

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#85
I think this is partially restating "try smarter, not harder" with a lot more words.

I also think it's unkind not to recognize that we have limited time and energy and it's simply not possible to address everything all at once.

IMO the better takeaway is to learn to admit when we're doing that (deprioritizing a problem we don't have the resources to address,) rather than pretending there is no choice, so it occurs to us to revisit the problem if and when there are the resources to do so. My personal approach to this would be to add it a todo list with no assigned due date.

Also, I don't know who the author is talking about, but when I read:

"These are people who could successfully launch a product in a foreign country with little instruction, but who complain that there aren’t any fun people to meet on the dating apps."

I hear someone who maybe isn't valuing romantic relationships but also views admitting that as socially taboo, so they come up with an excuse for why they're not in a relationship. I don't necessarily perceive someone who isn't applying agency to all areas of their life.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, not everything is a competition that needs to be won.

I am not competitive. That's a deliberate stance, and one that I've held for decades. It does contribute to the fact that I haven't achieved greatness, but I have no regrets, and haven't done badly, despite that. It's not weakness, as some folks have found out, over the years. When I "win," then someone else "loses." I have a problem with that.

You’ve achieved greatness in your view of the world, and in your empathy for others.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#87

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

This is something I've noticed as well. I've talked about this with my psychiatrist and she calls this brave, reassured version of ourself the "me-mentor" (jag-mentor in Swedish). Similar to our inner child, this is a core part of our who we are. The idea, if I understood correctly, is to build this me-mentor more and let it help us feel more safe. Let it support our insecure parts/personas. (I hope my English isn't…

Your English is great, by the way.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#88

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

> I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have.

One mundane reason is that you've probably already solved that problem for yourself.

Almost by definition, the big problems we have are in areas where we're less competent than others.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#89
post #81
post #55

Great post! I find that this happens when I want to do something The Right Way, but don’t have a clear path, nor the energy to figure one out. For example I want a nice winter wardrobe, but first I have to figure out what I like, what is trendy, where to buy it, what will suit the weather. I am wholly unprepared for it. Suddenly it’s a whole ordeal, so I just wait. In another category - art - I had to learn to be oka…

> Socialising is the same. You get better at it through practice. Practice is fun, it makes you do fun things and meet fun people. Not for all of us, though. For some, socializing is considerable pressure.

Right, trying and failing at socializing is not fun at all.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#90

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

This effect is very real and part of what makes people social creatures -- and why the golden rule is essential to a functioning society.

Like coyotes and wolves, we're wired for life in relatively small tribes where we're caring for one another and pursuing a common purpose.

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