Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most • Hacker News Board

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#81

Post by boje » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 2:37 PM UTC

throwattached wrote: post #36

In case this can be helpful to somebody else, I spent my ~twenties ignorant of what attachment styles were, while definitely exhibiting some very, very obvious attachment patterns. And I made a lot of mistakes, and made a lot of people close to me sad. Reading the "Attached" book was a huge wake-up call. According to the questionnaire, for what it's worth, I was exhibiting ~100% avoidant behavior. This led to therapy…

I skimmed through it. Note that this book was written right before Tinder launched (2012), which might have skewed the demographic data points found in this edition (2010). Although dating apps have definitely existed before then, that (and popular internet adoption) have by far been the most influential to society at large.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#82

Post by accrual » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 2:42 PM UTC

iambateman wrote: post #54

They didn’t find any effect of fathers on attachment style and I’m confused…I’ve heard countless stories about how it’s hard for people to connect as adults because of how their dad was toward them.

IMO in these kinds of studies you can interchange mother/father/. One can be traumatized by any caregiver regardless of gender if they're the primary adult.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#83

Post by lkbm » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 3:00 PM UTC

From the study abstract:

> Early levels of mother–child relationship quality predicted individual differences in general attachment anxiety and avoidance in adulthood, as well as adults’ relationship-specific attachment orientations in each of their close relationships, including with their mothers, fathers, romantic partners, and best friends (median R² = 3% for attachment anxiety and avoidance across relationship domains).[0]

Hmmm...

[0] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2026-79270-001

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#84

Post by sishabsb » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 3:33 PM UTC

makeitdouble wrote: post #12

Terr_ wrote: post #7

Potentially worrisome news for the pandemic-isolation cohort, with their outlier experience.

Potentially beneficial as well, if they had less toxicity and/or had stronger family bonds than otherwise. There's so many variable, I think we can only say they could be different, who knows if t will be for better or worse, or neither.

While technically correct, painting these outcomes as so close to equally likely that we can’t make a call is sinister.

Locking people in their homes and away from social interactions for years amidst the background of a pandemic is almost certainly a net negative. We do similar things to violent prisoners, mentally insane, or humans we’re looking to break.

There should be an extremely high risk for the next pandemic - not just boomers/obese dying a year or two earlier - to justify what we did to the world. Years of people’s lives taken.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#85

Post by theGnuMe » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 3:43 PM UTC

0_____0 wrote: post #50

djmips wrote: post #20

I've observed children who have had tremendous close friends in childhood but were unable to recreate that in adulthood. Sometimes it's easier to make friends when you're 5.

There's a joke here... Q: How do you make friends in Boston? A: Same way everyone else does. In kindergarten.

Minnesota as well.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#86

Post by exe34 » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 3:52 PM UTC

toxik wrote: post #75

exe34 wrote: post #69

I believe this is called the post-treatment bias. If the causal arrow goes (mother-baby) -> (child-friends) -> (adult-attachment) and you include the middle one, you have already controlled for the first, and the effect disappears. Learning about the first tells you very little more once you have learnt the second.

In statistics we call it "conditional independence", attachment style is independent from maternal relationship if we know childhood friendship outcomes.

yep the book statistical rethinking puts it that way too.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#87

Post by biff1 » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 4:08 PM UTC

Since the 60’s people have wanted to revise the nurture side of psychology to downplay the role of mothers, but the reality is as everyone has always known, it is the mothers. Sure, there’s also biology and trauma. But Iften the trauma is related to interaction with the parents. Also, biology is shared most of the time by the parent, so bipolar mothers tend to have bipolar children.

Anyway, people have mothers before they have friends. Our first relationships become a template for subsequent ones. I feel embarrassed for the authors and the field more generally that such an obvious fact is not obvious enough to prevent absurd claims. As with most things in our society, blame the 60’s and all that came from it.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#88

Post by jamesalvarez » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 4:12 PM UTC

The Nautil.us article misrepresents the findings of the paper, suggesting that it said anything about a causal effect. The title 'Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most' is completely inacurrate and not even hinted at by the study authors in the paper.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#89

Post by hopelite » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 4:13 PM UTC

taurath wrote: post #28

No, one study doesn’t upend the last few decades of understanding of emotional attachment. The study simply says that ability to connect w friends is more predictive than observations they made of apparent attachment of parents. This happens much later so of course it’s more predictive of the actual end effects - that’s when attachment styles actually show up for the first time. Kids grow up to be very adaptive towar…

Are you familiar with what the understanding is that differentiates/causes (very) sensitive vs (very) resilient kids, and whether and how that can be modulated in children or even the effects of it overcome in adults?

I believe this is and will continue to be a growing issue as things like helicopter parenting and extremely anxious social dynamics, which were only exacerbated through the psychological abuse of the pandemic, starts becoming ever more dominant in society. I myself am a bit taken aback sometimes when taking to younger people and people who grew up in America specifically, and their expressed disbelief and exacerbation about totally normal things like, e.g., children walking to and from school or playing outdoors unsupervised until dusk.

I don’t know if there is a short term solution outside of individual or small group choice as long as our societies are being ravaged by a ruling class that is making everything worse and more dangerous by the day, but I find the topic both intriguing as well as sad and foreboding.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#90

Post by aidenn0 » Sat, Nov 22, 2025, 5:18 PM UTC

balamatom wrote: post #67

aidenn0 wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My own anecdotal experience matches this. I have a (now adult) child who was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. She changed friends every 6 months, burning bridges behind her. She also cultivated the least-healthy friendships possible in whatever environment she found herself in.

What was the etiology?

Entered foster care at 2 due to abuse and neglect; we were her fourth placement in 7 months; weekly mandated visits with neglectful mother and monthly mandated visits with abusive grandmother for 2 years before termination of parental rights. She had nightmares until 3am after every visit with grandmother. We adopted her at 5.