81–90 of 276 posts
Remember this tragedy and the millions like it when you read the news today. Trump and Musk are killing the very research that has a shot at saving lives and preventing these families from being torn apart. NIH and NSF are being gutted. Universities won't be able to do bio research at all under the new 15% cap on NIH indirect costs. These decisions which save no appreciable amount of money have a real impact on peopl…
Very sad. In case you didn't open the link yet, this is from the widow of Jake Seliger, who was very active on HN: https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=jseliger . He died a few months ago. Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal.
“A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy” by William Irvine has an entire chapter dedicated to letting go of past trauma and moving forward. The Stoic advice was “fatalism”. The Stoics' advice was “fatalism” in relation to the events that fate deals us. This is in stark contrast to the psychologizing approach of modernity where everything must be turned around and the answer must be found, preferably w…
I think of things in a similar way. All possibilities collapse into the only outcome that was ever truly inevitable. Reality is like the centre of a ven diagram with an infinite amount of circles. No "would of" no "should of' or "could of". Just "is". Only once we accept something can we move past it. Some people don't like this idea but I think that they just don't understand or want to acknowledge how much power the current moment holds.
There is a lot more suffering to be had when we try to escape our current suffering. A good example of this is drug addicts. On a long enough time line all forms of escapism eventually turn into prisons.
If you are reading this and want to disagree or explore these ideas I suggest the following. Sleep 2-4hrs one night then take a cold shower in the morning. As you find your mind and body trying to move away from the discomfort accept your circumstance. Stand still with the water passing over your face and focus on the freshness and crispness of the icy cold water.
While not quite the same, my partner was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few months ago, a few days after my daughter's 1st birthday. I think one thing I worry about is my daughter possibly not growing up with a mother. Like how that will affect her. It's been traumatic for myself personally, but it hasn't been ...I'm still highly functional and I'm still continuing to live life to the fullest.
My wife died suddenly when my son was two years old. He’s almost seven now. So far, he’s completely fine without her. He claims he has memories of her, but I think he just remembers photos and videos that we’ve watched together. I don’t think he knows what he’s missing.
How do you retain that connection, or do you just leave it in the past?
While not quite the same, my partner was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few months ago, a few days after my daughter's 1st birthday. I think one thing I worry about is my daughter possibly not growing up with a mother. Like how that will affect her. It's been traumatic for myself personally, but it hasn't been ...I'm still highly functional and I'm still continuing to live life to the fullest.
> I think one thing I worry about is my daughter possibly not growing up with a mother. Like how that will affect her. Don't worry about that! My daughter lost her mother when she was 1.5 years old. It's important to have a sensible female role model. A grandma or an aunt will do just fine. Please do take good care of yourself!
When I look in the mirror now, I notice all the places where my body reveals what I’ve been through. And I wonder, in a way that I wouldn’t if Jake were still alive, how this new body appears to others who don’t view it through a lens of love.
35 years down the road I am single again and thought of that girl who didn't happen. I did a little digging and found a recent selfie she'd taken. She's in her 70s and I still see the same artist and dancer I fell for a lifetime ago. That she stayed with me that way - it makes me feel hopeful about what people can be to each other.
My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…
COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of…
Battered husk is the best description I can think of for how I felt.
It took a while, but I was extremely lucky to find the right combination of therapy, SSRIs, and life changes to drag myself out of the hole. I now have a stable job doing something that sparks my interests and makes a meaningful contribution, and my love of life has returned. I still have the occasional day where it feels like I start to backslide, but they are getting rarer.
I want to reassure anyone who feels tired, burnt-out, and hopeless, that things can and do get better.
I have yet to have a reason to use this, but I keep it in my pocket until do. > Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it anymore, draw back a little and have a cup of tea. > > — Elder Sophrony of Essex It's a quote from the end of Lars Doucet's post, Losing my son. Stay strong, and if not strong, then just stay. https://www.fortressofdoors.com/i-lost-my-son/
When I look in the mirror now, I notice all the places where my body reveals what I’ve been through. And I wonder, in a way that I wouldn’t if Jake were still alive, how this new body appears to others who don’t view it through a lens of love. At 20 I fell hard for a 35yo. We also became close friends and my pursuit of her was almost separate and apart. After a very long time I conceded; I met other people and eventu…
Sisyphean is the word I’ve come back to a lot myself since my wife took her life on November 6, 2024. Feeling like I’m now trying to live for both of us, grasping at ways of honouring her memory despite the incredible love we had being unable to “save” her, and somehow not at all myself anymore, but having to keep moving forward feels hopeless beyond belief. I lost my dad suddenly just two months prior, and my grandm…
Brother, I can't say anything that will make it better, but all I can offer is what gets me through grief that I've been living with for 20 years: They wouldn't want me to carry it like this. They always wanted the best for me, and walking around like a husk, missing them isn't it. I hope it gets better for you. It has for me.