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Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

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Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#81

Post by swatcoder »

thrwaway223 wrote: post #53
dijit wrote: post #9

Only half? Thats a really wide range too. By 90 it is increasingly likely your spouse and close friends are mostly dead. My emotional support network consists of two people, my long-term partner and my parent(s). My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal). Only your parents might love you unconditionally, and they have a pretty decent head start wit…

Well for me, half of 0 is still 0 and I'm not even 30 yet. > My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal). I haven't told anyone but a therapist the abuse I've been facing from a partner because it would break my parents heart. I've been back-stabbed now 3 times from different people I was closest with relationship or friendship-wise over the past dec…

FWIW, much value in talking about intense and traumatic experiences is in discovering that you're not alone in general, and often not even alone among your peers. Life can indeed go pretty smoothly for some people, at least for long stretches of time, but many more people than you might realize have experienced the kinds of things you describe.

Being open about it helps each of you spot the other amidst the crowd, provide a sense of community and comraderie that it sounds like you might be lacking. Not only do you both (et al) get helped by it, the experience of helping them can often provide yet another inspiration for feeling less burdened and alone.

Maybe look up some intimate group talk opportunities. These could be informal men's groups, therapy- or church- mediated groups, or 12-step groups (like maybe CODA, in your case). These are almost always private opportunities to achieve what I mention above, where nobody outside the group is going to hear a whiff of what you share, and many of them are free or reasonably priced. And they're lurking all over the place. If you're feeling as defeated and hopeless as you sound, it could make a difference.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#82

Post by constantcrying »

matrix87 wrote: post #78
constantcrying wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, I don't even know what "emotional support" would look like. I have never wanted to externalize my emotions and the idea of talking to my friends about my feelings seems utterly bizarre.

I mean, I talk to friends and family about stuff that's going on. But I don't turn to them for actual advice because usually my own advice is better

I like to talk to my friends about many things, my emotions just do not include that and at no point in my adult life have I ever felt any inclination to do so.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#83

Post by nadermx »

purple-leafy wrote: post #39
dijit wrote: post #9

Only half? Thats a really wide range too. By 90 it is increasingly likely your spouse and close friends are mostly dead. My emotional support network consists of two people, my long-term partner and my parent(s). My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal). Only your parents might love you unconditionally, and they have a pretty decent head start wit…

This is sadly true, my long term partner left me last night. I really thought it would go the distance, and I’m almost not sad - it’s just typical

[flagged]

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#84

Post by drdec »

matrix87 wrote: post #71
drdec wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't think you will want some support when a tragedy befalls you? A child or partner is hospitalized or dies? You develop a potentially terminal illness? A partner betrays you? Are you just going to "follow your goals" in these situations?

> A child or partner is hospitalized or dies? everyone processes grief differently > You develop a potentially terminal illness? I mean, I'm probably going to die anyway. At least if you're alone you don't have to worry about the trade off between extreme medical bills and a few more months of life vs leaving family more money > A partner betrays you? I don't really plan on marrying so I'd just replace them with some…

> In all of these situations, you can figure out ways to get through them alone

That is not the point.

The point is that an emotional support network will help you in these situations and suggesting that someone build one is not "infantilizing" them but giving them valuable tools.

I could care less if you find one personally valuable or not (I don't have trouble imagining that there are people for which they are not), but I object to your generalizations and implication that men who pursue them are somehow lesser.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#85

Post by drdec »

constantcrying wrote: post #68
drdec wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't think you will want some support when a tragedy befalls you? A child or partner is hospitalized or dies? You develop a potentially terminal illness? A partner betrays you? Are you just going to "follow your goals" in these situations?

How is "emotional support" going to help with any of that?

It's right in the name, it helps you handle and process your emotions.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#86

Post by scoofy »

I will never stop being a regular at the local bar. I may switch to NA beers as I get older, but it is entirely important to me to engage in the rituals that predate history. Having a local bar/pub, generally walking distance away from a residence, where people gather and know each other (even if they are not friends) seems important to me.

This line of thinking has also nearly convinced my to go to some kind of church, but growing up with zealots as parents has pretty much nullified that. I only wish that universities took on the roll of a third place community center, offering/advertising free lectures to locals.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#87

Post by sgarland »

SoftTalker wrote: post #30
cultofmetatron wrote: post #14

You guys are getting emotional support???

[flagged]

Emotional support doesn’t intrinsically mean spilling your soul to someone, if that’s uncomfortable for you (but you should work on that either way). IME, a shared activity / hobby like board games, woodworking, brewing beer, hiking, etc. can fulfill your socialization needs well, and has the benefit of allowing for occasional deeper conversations without feeling awkward.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#88

Post by horrible-hilde »

dijit wrote: post #9

Only half? Thats a really wide range too. By 90 it is increasingly likely your spouse and close friends are mostly dead. My emotional support network consists of two people, my long-term partner and my parent(s). My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal). Only your parents might love you unconditionally, and they have a pretty decent head start wit…

Why would you even want unconditional love? Are you planning on abusing and taking advantage of your spouse? People who want this are not ready for marriage.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#89

Post by kelseyfrog »

bitwize wrote: post #15
jfengel wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Any idea how many women have? The form of this study was specific to men and very long-running, so I don't know where you'd get comparable data. Still, it would be interesting to take a stab at it. Is it 2? 1? 10?

Unlike men, women tend seek out emotional support networks as a matter of course. There's probably some reduction as they age, but it's probably from like, the entire glee club to their husband, kids, five or six girls they keep up with from high school and the neighbor lady. A particularly gregarious woman like my wife can grow her support network. This is definitely an area meriting more research.

As a trans women, I have a unique perspective on how gender impacts social relations having lived life in each of the two worlds.

Like commenters above mention, emotional support is table stakes in friendship among women. It is a kinder, gentler world - the kind of world you perhaps remember growing up in. That world still exists, but it's typically not accessible to men once they reach adulthood.

How could men access the world of emotional support? By disassociating the idea of gender and emotional support. Growing up in the 90s and 2000s, I remember emotional vulnerability being associated with homosexuality - it was "gay" for men to be emotionally vulnerable with eachother, typically leaving men with women[spouses] or family members as their only source of emotional support. The way out is decouple these two things, to un-"gay" emotional vulnerability between men.

What does it look like? Checking in on friends, learning to open up yourself, increasing emotional intelligence, learning how to hold space and reflectively listen. Not trying to solve people's problems when what they want is to be heard. All of these skills and norms exist within feminine spaces as a matter of course and when folks say "putting in the work" it means learning to employ these things.

It means that being emotionally vulnerable doesn't imply a sexual advancement. It means enforcing that as a reality.

Re: Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks

#90

Post by constantcrying »

drdec wrote: post #85
constantcrying wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How is "emotional support" going to help with any of that?

It's right in the name, it helps you handle and process your emotions.

I can do that on my own perfectly fine.
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