Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

81–90 of 320 posts

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#81

Post by jamiepenney »

drpgq wrote: post #64
nhashem wrote: post #52

Just going to share a little anecdote here. I moved to Los Angeles in 2004. The next year I organized a softball team, mostly coworkers at the time. There are six of us that have been playing since we started, going on seven years now, even though we've almost all since changed jobs. Even though it's "just softball" (and our league is about as uncompetitive as possible without being totally beer-league), we've all ma…

Something similar is bar trivia leagues. I see people weekly that I wouldn't necessarily without our team.

Our quiz team is a pretty good source of friends. People bring in their own friends and workmates so we get to meet quite a few new people.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#82

Post by rubashov »

nhashem wrote: post #80
rubashov wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Beyond the juvenile stage men can't bond through "play time". Men bond through shared struggle and purpose. You aren't going to make close lifetime male friends at some stupid beer centric sports league. http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Men-Jack-Donovan/dp/0985452307 I think it's an interesting distinction that this is not really true of women. Women can get close over various shared interests and activities.

Yeah, I read Fight Club too, dude. We could have a much deeper discussion on the evolution of society and how the gradual reduction of physical survival difficulty has eroded a lot of the male bonding development that used to exist. But a lot the OP was about difficulty making friends even when people had a lot of things in common, so I was sharing an anecdote on how a shared activity and commitment, even for a mostl…

Yeah, I wasn't contradicting you, dude. Maybe you'd make more friends if you chilled out.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#83

Post by glhaynes »

larrys wrote: post #68
tsotha wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He didn't realize it would be a problem in the beginning. After that I think he was just afraid to move away from the people he knew. I've thought a lot about what I would do in that position, and came to the same conclusion you did. The right thing to do probably would have been to move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby so he could meet people on an equal footing. Of course, it's easy to decide how other pe…

"move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby" Why not just live among people and make friends with people in the same income bracket or assets or higher?

I don't suspect the earlier poster meant that the person should move to the wilderness, just far enough away to "make a new start."

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#84

Post by InclinedPlane »

I definitely got lucky by falling into a community of folks that has made it easy for me to find friends. I suppose it helps that I live in a very geek-centric town as well (seattle). If I had any advice it would be this: find something you're interested in and join a group or a class about it, volunteer, and attend conventions (games, comics, etc.) Also, make the effort to cultivate friendships with dinner parties and outings and board games and such-like.

My life would be unimaginably different without the friends I've made, it's very much worth the trouble to put effort into it.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#85

Post by csomar »

larrys wrote: post #68
tsotha wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He didn't realize it would be a problem in the beginning. After that I think he was just afraid to move away from the people he knew. I've thought a lot about what I would do in that position, and came to the same conclusion you did. The right thing to do probably would have been to move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby so he could meet people on an equal footing. Of course, it's easy to decide how other pe…

"move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby" Why not just live among people and make friends with people in the same income bracket or assets or higher?

That's what he said, you simply didn't read to the end

  so he could meet people on an equal footing.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#86

Post by [deleted] »

rubashov wrote: post #74
nhashem wrote: post #52

Just going to share a little anecdote here. I moved to Los Angeles in 2004. The next year I organized a softball team, mostly coworkers at the time. There are six of us that have been playing since we started, going on seven years now, even though we've almost all since changed jobs. Even though it's "just softball" (and our league is about as uncompetitive as possible without being totally beer-league), we've all ma…

Beyond the juvenile stage men can't bond through "play time". Men bond through shared struggle and purpose. You aren't going to make close lifetime male friends at some stupid beer centric sports league. http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Men-Jack-Donovan/dp/0985452307 I think it's an interesting distinction that this is not really true of women. Women can get close over various shared interests and activities.

[deleted]

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#87

Post by tphyahoo »

kafkaesque wrote: post #44

This rings very true. In fact, I turned 29 eleven months ago and I moved here (to another country, albeit culturally similar) eight months ago. I have zero friends. My coworkers are vastly different from me. I work with two people the most; one is a younger guy who goes clubbing and is interested in getting laid, and the other is a 40-something woman who is most likely menopausal and hates everything in her life. I'm…

I run a home for orphan hackers in l.a.

Come visit us some time.

thomashartman1 gmail

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#88

Post by pnathan »

Timothee wrote: post #26

It's definitely challenging. One part is actually meeting people with whom you click. Unless you go to a lot of meetups and similar events, overall, you won't be meeting that many new people besides co-workers. And meetups tend to have a theme other than just having fun, whereas that's what most college activities are about. So you meet people in a serious context, and you need to bring the fun with you.* So, you fir…

> But as you grow older, you also lose a lot of that casualness that you had before: you don't just invite them over after work to play video games. Now that you're a "grown-up", it's "a dinner". And since you're a grown-up, your home has better be somewhat clean, and you can't just serve pizza. What was a spontaneous interaction before is now a whole event that needs planning, some cleaning, some cooking, etc. (until of course, you become real friends) So these happen less, and friendships can be like making mayonnaise: if you don't make it go right now, you'll never make it go at all.

That is so frustrating to me. I don't really want a Do when I get together with people, I just want to kick back.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#89

Post by [deleted] »

rubashov wrote: post #82
nhashem wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I read Fight Club too, dude. We could have a much deeper discussion on the evolution of society and how the gradual reduction of physical survival difficulty has eroded a lot of the male bonding development that used to exist. But a lot the OP was about difficulty making friends even when people had a lot of things in common, so I was sharing an anecdote on how a shared activity and commitment, even for a mostl…

Yeah, I wasn't contradicting you, dude. Maybe you'd make more friends if you chilled out.

[deleted]

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#90

Post by subpixel »

rubashov wrote: post #74
nhashem wrote: post #52

Just going to share a little anecdote here. I moved to Los Angeles in 2004. The next year I organized a softball team, mostly coworkers at the time. There are six of us that have been playing since we started, going on seven years now, even though we've almost all since changed jobs. Even though it's "just softball" (and our league is about as uncompetitive as possible without being totally beer-league), we've all ma…

Beyond the juvenile stage men can't bond through "play time". Men bond through shared struggle and purpose. You aren't going to make close lifetime male friends at some stupid beer centric sports league. http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Men-Jack-Donovan/dp/0985452307 I think it's an interesting distinction that this is not really true of women. Women can get close over various shared interests and activities.

At first glance, I totally thought you were linking to a book by Jack Donaghy.
Post reply on HN